Writing

Why I'm Now Going By Louise (My Middle Name)

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 03:38:06 GMT

As you might have noticed, I recently decided to go by a different name ("Louise" instead of "Bere/Berenike").

My "new" name is actually my middle name and asking people to call me Louise has been really liberating for me.

Basically, my name had been an ongoing source of subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) unhappiness and discomfort throughout my life. So, it feels great to have that issue resolved. :)

If you are interested in reading more about my process, I have written a long post about changing my name on my blog here.

What French Can Teach You About the Hidden Power of Silence

Wed, 07 Dec 2022 18:18:56 GMT

“Why are there all these letters at the end you don’t pronounce? It's kind of a waste, isn’t it?”

That was my husband’s joking hot take on the French language: it’s inefficient. (It was also the latest installment in our ongoing series: “tell me you’re American without telling me your American” — but that’s a topic for another day.)

I’m not sure what exactly inspired my German self to rise up and defend my French siblings against charges of inefficiency… but rise up I did: “At least with French you know how to pronounce things. With English, pronunciation is a total mess.”

My husband's unexpected response: “I totally agree with you.” (Ahhh, right there we have it, the most beautiful sentence in any language known to humankind.)

What can we learn from silent letters?

It took me another day to realize the powerful lesson lurking amidst all those “useless” silent letters in French:

Silence isn’t useless. So much of life is made up of silence, either literal or metaphorical.

Without moments of silence, you cannot have a rhythm. Without silence, it’s not music, it’s just noise.

If you cannot be silent with someone, you cannot be with them in a deeply meaningful way. Our ability to be with someone in silence is a litmus test for the relationship with have with them.

Silence is connected to the virtue of patience and right timing. It helps us to reflect and gain wisdom.

When we cannot bear to be alone with ourselves, we miss out on so much. (That’s today’s installment in our ongoing series of “tell me you’re an introvert without telling me you’re an introvert”. But let’s get back to our topic at hand.)

Unlock the power of silence

If you have ever been around a crying baby, you know that silence is the most beautiful sound in the entire universe.

No “Ode to Joy,” no “Requiem” and no “Brandenburg Concerto” can hold a candle to the sound of silence.

Silence isn’t inefficient at all. During times of great tragedy, words might fail us. A moment of silence can console an entire crowd.

However, silence has a broader application. It can help us decide what to do.

You don’t have to believe me. Today, before you take an action, give yourself the gift of silence, give yourself une minute de silence.

How did it go?

6 Marriage Lessons From 6 Years of Marriage

Wed, 10 Mar 2021 15:11:47 GMT

My husband and I just had our 6th anniversary. So I did what every writer would do and decided to honor the occasion by writing about the lessons I learned during that time.

Which led to the following conversation: “Dear, what would you say are the main lessons we’ve learned during our marriage so far?”

My husband: “Keep the wife happy, the wife is always right, put your own needs…”

Me (interrupting him): “You don’t actually do any of these things. Do you have any good suggestions for lessons learned?”

With a bit more prompting, we came up with the following 6 relationship lessons that are less heteronormative and more useful than my husband’s joking response:

1. Grow together or grow apart

One thing I’ve learned from our marriage so far is that a long-term relationship can be a great vehicle for growth and force you outside your comfort zone. It can help you learn things about yourself, smooth off your rough edges, and do things that previously felt uncomfortable to you.

For instance, my husband is rather conflict-averse. I’m not. Due to being together with me, he has progressively gotten more comfortable with conflict. On the other hand, I’ve learned to be a bit more cautious about how I word things, in order to not hurt him unnecessarily.

For both of us, these are positive changes. And I don’t think we would have made them without being in a relationship together. By growing as an individual, we have grown together. The alternative to that is to grow apart, due to ever-increasing differences.

2. Expect your relationship to be like wine

A while ago, I was talking to someone a lot older than me about our relationship and mentioned that it got better every year. The other person mentioned that that was an unusual experience to have.

I feel sad that so many people assume that a marriage deteriorates once the initial honeymoon period is over. If a relationship gets worse, I think that there’s often some important growth work — improving one’s communication with each other, increasing mutual understanding, etc. — that could be done to improve it.

In our case, our marriage got a ton better the more we learned about each other. Every year, we argue less. We still argue but if the trend continues, perhaps we will reach sage-level by the time our 50th anniversary comes around…

Since our expectations often influence what we put up with, one of my takeaways is that a relationship is like wine. It should get better over time. After all, the wedding is the least important part of marriage . If your marriage doesn’t get better, it might be a good time to get external help to work through challenges.

3. Make it work if it doesn’t

This brings me to the next point: people aren’t taught in school how to have a good relationship. Perhaps that’s why it can be tempting to consider abandoning a relationship when the issues seem great.

What I’ve learned is that we can’t expect relationships to work on their own, without putting in any effort. Instead, it’s up to us to make it work. However, that doesn’t mean we have to do it alone. There are many resources that can help gain the necessary insights and skills to get closer to one’s partner, such as books, coaching, or other forms of external help. For instance, here are some of my articles about how to deal with unsolvable relationship problems and how to show your love in skillful ways .

By getting outside support, we’ve been able to work through issues that otherwise would have kept us from getting closer together.

4. Acknowledge and work through cultural difference

When it comes to relationship issues, I can’t overstate the importance of cultural differences. While my husband is American, I’m German. So, naturally, we’ve had to deal with many cultural differences. And while I’ve lived in different countries throughout my life, there’s nothing quite like a marriage or long-term relationship for shoving cultural differences in your face.

You never know just how crazy another culture is are until you marry someone from that culture and have to put up with “travesties,” such as celebrating Christmas on the 25th in the morning or being exposed to a system of measurement that makes no sense to you when you think it’s much nicer to open gifts on the 24th at night and deal with the metric system. (My husband, as you might guess, has his own set of complaints about the idiosyncrasies of German culture that make no sense to him either).

You might think this lesson doesn’t apply to you because you’re not (planning) to spend your life with someone from another culture. What I’ve learned from my marriage is that it’s easy to assume that things should be the way one is used to. And while there often more differences like that in international relationships, I would assume that you and your partner might have some cultural differences, even if you grew up in the same city. The way your family worked when you grew up was different. Your work cultures are probably different. Your peer groups likely were different.

Over the last years, it has been important for us to get used to all the little (and big) differences that are based on different versions of culture. Instead of immediately assuming something is a bad idea if it’s different from what we’re used to, in most cases, we’ve learned to keep an open mind about how the other culture does something. (Since my husband is a scientist, he thankfully agrees with me about the merits of the metric system…)

5. Be a team and celebrate your successes together

This is, perhaps, the most important lesson I’ve learned. At some point during a marriage or long-term relationship, the people involved grow into a team.

Whereas 7 years ago, I used to only look at my own achievements when measuring how successful I was, my thinking around that has completely turned around. These days, I am more inclined to consider my and my husband’s achievement together.

Here’s why: since a long-term relationship is a team effort, one partner’s success is, very often, a collective success. My husband first pointed this out to me when I published a book . He mentioned that even though my name is the only one on the cover, he put a ton of effort into it that wasn’t recognized (such as dealing with me while I was in the middle of writing it, editing it, etc.). The same is true for many of my husband’s accomplishments.

That we can’t just ignore one person in a marriage became apparent to me when I negatively compared myself to an entrepreneur who I saw as so much more successful than me. At some point, I realized that her husband completely gave up his career to support her. In other words, her success was also her husband’s accomplishment. It’s not fair to compare myself against a two-person achievement.

Since a long-term relationship turns you into a team, you often can’t artificially separate one partner’s accomplishments from the other. Instead of only measuring you well you’re doing, consider how well you and your partner are doing together.

6. Love grows when it is shared

I will end with a relationship lesson that probably sounds cheesy but that doesn’t make it any less true: love grows when it is shared. The more loving I am to my partner, the more loving he is to me which in turn makes it even easier for me to be nice to him. Showing your partner that you love them creates a positive upward spiral.

Sometimes, relationships can enter a downward spiral. In that case, it’s important to do something to break the pattern — do something nice for your partner or tell them how much you love them (and mean it). Sometimes, the things we most want in a relationship are the things we have to give first. Once we give them, our partner might be able to reciprocate.

I will end this article with a joke (which has been attributed to Alfred Hitchcock) that I sent to my wonderful godfather when he got married: marriage is the only lifelong sentence where good behavior doesn’t get you an early release.

6 years in, I don’t have any regrets about that.

Patience: Can You Give Yourself This Special Gift?

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 01:00:00 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to give yourself the gift of patience.

As a global culture, we have gotten used to the idea of overnight success. We have instant noodles, instant messaging and even books about instant (spiritual) enlightenment.

And, we don’t exist in a vacuum. The culture around us influences us and the way we perceive the world. So, let’s talk about…

The importance of patience in a fast-paced world

Real change takes time, often more time than we wish. At the least, change for the positive does.

While nobody has ever created a lasting, happy marriage in a day, it is certainly possible to ruin it in one. (Obligatory disclaimer: don’t try this at home. ⚠️)

Or, as they say: “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one.” ��

Mike Fishbein reminds us that“any goal worth achieving is going to take a long time. Months, maybe years. Decades if your goals are really big.”

The same can be true for really important decisions. As SYZO points out, there are times (such as when there is a risk of injury) when“[b]eing patient and ensuring that you arrive at the correct decision will save you tons of time in the long run.”

So, it’s safe to assume that achieving your goals will take time.

That said, don’t fall into...

The trap of patience

Sometimes people think that the opposite of impatient activity is patient complacency.

So, instead of taking action and expecting instant results, they may suddenly find themselves patiently… doing nothing.

Why does this happen? Well, I think that it takes practice for humans to hold two opposing perspectives at the same time, such as the tension between a big vision and small steps .

However, let’s look at how to escape the trap of patience by practicing…

The art of patient activity

Patient activity means that we are active and patient at the same time. This obviously helps to avoid the pitfalls of impatient activity or patient complacency.

In reality, patience is completely compatible with activity. As Henry Latham described it:

“Patience is, in a sense, the simple recognition that things take time. That achieving greatness, creating a masterpiece — it all takes time. It takes an ability & willingness to be frustrated. To overcome difficulties. To persevere.”

If understood in this way, patience is the opposite of complacency.

I also learned about a concept (coined by Gary Vaynerchuk) that sounds like patient activity on steroids: micro speed, macro patience .

In his article, Gary points out that he moves super-fast on the execution level ( micro speed ), while also being incredibly patient on the global level ( macro patience ).

With all that being said, let's move on to...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What's one area where you're being impatient, either with yourself or with others?
For instance: "I'm impatient when it comes to tasks in my business. I expect them to take less time than they actually take."
What does this impatience cost you?
For instance: "It negatively affects my mood."
Are there positive aspects to your impatience?
For instance: "Not really. I'm not actually getting the tasks done any faster, I'm just feeling worse while I'm doing them."
What would it look like if you were more patient in this area?
For instance: "I would set more realistic deadlines. When deciding on a deadline, I would ask myself if this is actually doable or not."

The idea��

If you feel stuck, give yourself the gift of patience.

Creating change is more like a marathon than a sprint. Don’t let this derail you! After all, change for the better generally takes time.

So, pick good goals , decide to be in it for the long haul, and stay on track. Also, allow yourself to see how far you have already come. To do that, think back to where you were a week or a month ago, and list all your little (and perhaps big) accomplishments since then.

If so, I invite you to check out my 1-on-1 coaching .

Small Changes, Big Difference: How Baby Steps Can Help You Get Want You Want

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 00:55:46 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to explore how small changes can make a big difference in all areas of your life.

Here’s why: achieving what you most want may require you to hold a big life vision. For instance, my friend J Kim Wright is on a mission to transform the legal profession.

Her vision for law in 2050 includes: “The legal system works for everyone. There are no more lawyer jokes. They're not funny anymore.” Imagine what would have to happen to make that a reality. Consider how much it would take to a) make the legal system work for everyone, and b) make lawyer jokes obsolete.

It's a huge vision, right?

So are most things that people feel passionate about. This brings us to the need for balance. You might think that a big vision requires big steps and a huge expenditure of energy. But, in reality, it is more likely that a huge goal requires many small habits and actions that gradually move you in the right direction.

As the saying goes, Rome wasn't build in a day.

Do small changes really make a big difference?

As executive coach Dr. Brian Whetten likes to say: “The bigger the vision, the smaller the steps need to be.” Unless you balance the grandiosity of your big goals with the humility of small, consistent steps, you will likely find yourself in acute overwhelm.

Of course, in our culture, we tend to underestimate the power of small steps. Brad Stulberg accurately diagnoses what happens when people do that: “Here’s the thing no one tells you about the saying ‘go big or go home’: Most people who go big swiftly end up at home.”

If you need numbers to convince you of the power of small steps, Sam Thomas Davies has you covered. He points out that improving by 1 percent every day for a year equals to a 3,680 percent improvement (!!!) while a 1 percent improvement every week for a year still equals a 67 percent improvement.

With all that being said, let's move on to...

6 powerful, small changes to your everyday habits

Let's first look at small changes to your regular habits that can help you be more successful:

Go to bed a bit earlier as this will either allow you to get more sleep or help you get up earlier.
Focus on your priorities as these are the action items that give you the majority of results. By dividing your work into priorities and mere to-dos, you can get more done with less work because you focus on high-leverage activities.
Stop multitasking as this makes you more unfocused and unproductive. When you focus on one thing , you can give it your full attention. This also makes you feel less overwhelmed and stressed.
If at all possible, only check your emails a few times per day (not constantly) as this will improve your concentration and make it easier to enter a state of flow. Also, put your phone on airplane mode as often as possible.
Design your environment for success by making it harder to fall into negative habits. For instance, you can either resist junk food every day... or you can resist it once a week during a shopping trip. The latter approach is much easier.
Meditation is one of the most powerful habits I know. If you take just a few minutes to meditate in the morning, it can help you staying more mindful during the whole day.
Adopt a patient attitude while taking the actions that can help you move ahead.

While these habits are useful for everyone, you also have action items that are unique to you and your goals. Let's explore how you can discover them:

Find out which steps to take next

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What's one goal that you want to accomplish?
Pick something that's concrete enough for you to know when it's done. For instance: "I want to get the website for my new business ready. I know that I've accomplished that goal once I've felt comfortable enough with the result to share it with at least 10 people."
What needs to be done to accomplish that goal?
This is probably a long laundry list. Simply add every necessary task that you can think of at the moment. For instance: "I need to write copy for the home page. I need to optimize my existing pages for SEO. I need to add more blog posts. I need to add an opt-in form."
What is one small step you can take today towards accomplishing that goal?
Choose something that you can realistically accomplish in one day. If something is realistic or not depends on your own experience with the task at hand. For instance: "I could add one more blog post to the website. I've written so many blog posts before, that's totally doable for me."
What's the very first thing you need to do to accomplish that small step for today?
This task should be so small that it feels ridiculous to you to write it down. Make sure that this feels entirely doable to you, such as opening your email program (so you can write an email), finding your phone (so you can make a phone call) or finding a sheet of paper (so you can take notes). For instance: "The very first thing I need to do to add one more blog post to my website is to turn on my laptop. Turning on my laptop feels entirely doable to me."
Begin by doing the very first thing

Takeaway ��

If you feel stuck in an area of your life, ask yourself: “What is one baby step I could take right now towards my goal?” And then take it. Over time, all these small changes will add up.

Going forward, you can also use the process I shared above every morning to make sure you focus on the right things.

P.S.: Want more help to improve your life?

If so, I invite you to check out my 1-on-1 coaching .

Stop Feeling Overwhelmed with Life By Embracing the Power of One

Wed, 03 Mar 2021 23:25:28 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to embrace the power of one whenever you're feeling overwhelmed with life.

For instance, let's take the pursuit of your interests. While you may have many interests and goals, it doesn’t make sense to explore and pursue them all at the same time.

If you try to explore everything at the same time, one of two things happens:

You fail miserably at giving each of your goals adequate time and attention and end up super-overwhelmed, or
You don’t even get started.

Both of these outcomes are less likely if you pick one of your goals/interests to get started.

Focusing on one thing prevents overwhelm

The problem with doing too many things at once is that it overwhelms us.

Imagine that for the next month, in your free time you’re going to get started with gardening, Origami, dancing, Wildwater Rafting as well as playing the accordion. How does this make you feel?

Myself, I feel stressed just reading it. ��

Now imagine that for the next month, you’re going to start learning how to play the accordion in your free time. How does this feel instead?

(Fine, if the idea of having to play the accordion seems terrible to you, imagine it’s another musical instrument instead.)

My point is that it’s relieving to only do one new thing at a time. ��

Focusing on one thing helps you to…focus

Apart from preventing overwhelm, there are other benefits to only exploring one of your interests at a time.

For instance, James Clear discusses research that shows that implementation intentions such as “Next week, I will do X for X amount of time.” “only work when you focus on one goal at a time.”

He also writes that “researchers found that people who tried to accomplish multiple goals were less committed and less likely to succeed than those who focused on a single goal.”

This made me think of my own experience with coaching clients on new habits. Those who insist on changing everything all at once are less likely to succeed than the ones who heed my advice on tackling one habit at a time.

With all that being said, let's move on to...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are the main goals you want to accomplish at the moment?
These can be either personal or professional or both. For instance: "I want to build my new website. I want to improve my existing website. I want to launch a group course. I want to make progress on my project with Mark and Nadine. I want to write the first draft of my book."
Which of these goals is the most challenging to accomplish?
For instance: "That's an interesting question. Probably completing the first draft of my book, since I haven't even gotten started. I'm also realizing that three of the goals (new website, existing website, progress on the project) are so undefined that they could be really easy or really hard to accomplish, depending on my definitio n."
Which of these goals would give you the biggest bang for the buck?
You can either measure this in financial terms or in terms of how much this would fulfill you. For instance: "The group course is the only thing on that list associated with immediate financial remuneration. In terms of fulfillment, it would probably also make me happier than the other two goals."
If a fairy offered to turn one of these goals into reality right now, with a simple wave of her magic wand, which one would you pick?
Also, write down why you chose the goal you chose. For instance: " That's a tough question. Should I pick the goal that's the most challenging to accomplish or the one that would give me the biggest bang for the buck? I think I'll pick the latter one since I'm clear about the benefit I would get from this and I know that it would make me happy."
Based on your answers to the previous questions, which goal do you want to focus on first?
For instance: "I think it's pretty clear that launching a group course is the most important goal for me right now. So, I'll focus my energy on that."

The idea ��

People typically start feeling overwhelmed with life if they have too many things going on. Focusing on one thing at a time can help prevent this... and it only takes a little bit of patience.

If you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed, focus on one of the things that interest you at a time and take small steps in that direction.

P.S.: Want me to help you create work and a life you really love?

If so, I invite you to check out my 1-on-1 coaching .

Assessing Your Social Circle: Are You Surrounding Yourself with the Right People?

Sun, 24 Jan 2021 20:46:18 GMT

One thing that can drastically improve your life is to have a supportive social circle.

The people you surround yourselves with can either life you up or drag you down. That's why it's so important to spend time with people who are supportive of your ideas and interests.

In this article, we'll explore the impact your network has on you, how healthy it is, and what you can do to improve it.

Let's get started!

The “average of 5” idea

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn advanced the idea that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

Now, if we take this idea literally, there are so many things we can criticize about it:

1) Your childhood relationships have a bigger impact

By focusing on the people one currently spend time with, this idea doesn’t acknowledge the impact one’s past has on a person.

As psychotherapist Danni Biondini put it : “Most of what you know about the world, you learn in the first five years of life. You internalize messages from the culture via your family, and you model your own habits after those you see in your parents.”

2) Your extended network also matters a lot

By arbitrarily limiting the number of people who influence you to 5, this idea doesn’t acknowledge that your extended network also has a large impact on you.

This contradicts studies about the spread of obesity in a large social network. According to this study, a person’s risk of obesity increases by 20% if their friend’s friend becomes obese and by 10% if the friend of their friend’s friend does (regardless of whether they know that person or not).

As David Burkus explained it after researching the science of social networks:
"You’re not the average of the FIVE people you surround with. It’s way bigger than that. You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings."

3) Surrounding yourself with the right people is not a magical pill

Lastly, the “average of five” idea can come across like a magical pill.

Simply hang out with the right people, and, Arbracadabra, instant success! ✨

As Gustavo Razzetti states in his excellent critique of the “average of five” idea: “the magical approach of this phrase worries me the most — surrounding yourself with artists won’t turn you into one.”

How your social circle impacts you

As these examples show, we shouldn’t take the “average of five” idea literally.

However, it contains some truth. While we are likely not the exact average of the five people we spend the most time with, this idea draws attention to the impact our social circle has on us.

And the truth is that right now, your social circle might not have the most optimal impact on you. For instance, have you ever shared an exciting idea or plan with someone who totally demotivated you with their criticism ?

How different would it feel to have a group of people who believed in you and had your back (while also giving you skilled feedback on what you could improve)?

As Hans F. Hasen put it: "People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.”

Is it perhaps time to upgrade your social circle?

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Which people do you habitually surround yourself with?
Make a list of the 5–10 people who play the biggest role in your life.
For each person on your list, rate how they impact you on a scale from 1 to 5.
1=Do they have a very negative impact? ��
2=Do they have a negative impact? ��
3=Do they have a neutral impact? ��
4=Do they have a positive impact? ��
5=Do they have a very positive impact? ��
Based on this rating, what are 3 things you would like to change?
For instance, you might want to spend less time hanging out with Bob who got a 2 on your scale. And perhaps you would want to call Julie more often who got a 5.
Bonus question: In general, which people would you like to spend time with? Make a list of their characteristics so you recognize them when you meet them.
It may be helpful for you be around people who feel passionate about what they’re doing and who have a connection to their purpose. These people can serve as a positive role model as well as a resource for you.

The idea ��

It's helpful for you to spend time around people who have found their passion. These people can serve as a positive role model for you.

Take a moment to reflect on the people you habitually spend time with, and assess how they impact you. Also take a moment to think about which people you'd like to surround yourself with. Is there a difference between the two groups? If so, it may be time to upgrade your social circle!

BE DO HAVE Goalsetting: The 3 Types of Goals You Need to Know About

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 20:27:03 GMT

In this post, I'll introduce you to BE DO HAVE goalsetting and the different types of goals you can have.

In general, goals are important. They help provide direction. However, not all goals are created equally. This post is all about helping you discover these different categories so that you can more easily set powerful intentions for the year ahead.

Speaking of goals , have you ever noticed how hard it can be to enact the goals you want? That’s because it’s not enough to have goals, you generally also need a system, a strategy, and support for achieving them. Categorizing your goals can be the first step to getting there.

A few years ago, two friends of me and I decided to pool our experience and knowledge together to see if we could help people shift from a sense of powerlessness into agency in the new year. ��

You know, moving from “I can’t do this” (felt powerlessness) to “I think I can achieve this” (agency).

As part of this experiment, we conducted an interactive webinar. While we got the sense that this was impactful for the participants, it was also clear to us that follow-up was needed.

After all, change is a marathon, not a sprint. ��

That’s why we started to explore which weekly prompts we could share with people in January, to help them create the best version of themselves in the year ahead. I first published this on December 29, 2018 and recently updated it.

(Of course, you can use this any other time as well. After all, given that we have Lunar New Year, Jewish New Year, Persian Near and a number of other celebrations , it's almost always new year for someone in the world...)

The idea here is to help you complete the marathon of becoming a different self by providing guidance on key steps along the way.

If you’d like to join us, here’s the prompt for the first week:

Prompt # 1: BE DO HAVE Goalsetting

This week, I'd like to encourage you to systematize your desires for the year ahead and explore how they can fall into 3 different categories: Be goals, Do Goals, and Have goals.

Step 1: Brainstorm & categorize your desires into BE DO HAVE goals.

If you’re like most people, you probably have a list of things you want to have, do, or be in the year ahead.

Can you name at least three things in every category? For instance, here’s what I came up with when I first did this exercise in preparation for 2019 (remember 2019? It was that ancient time in the past when we got to hang out with people in person...) :

Have goals: boxing gloves and pads, Tom Kuegler’s Medium course, a larger following on Medium
Do goals: visit Malaysia and Cambodia in 2019, see my friend Julius again, continue attending martial arts classes
Be goals: grateful, impactful, happy

→ Write down yours:

Have goals:
Do goals:
Be goals:

Step 2: Explore how your goals in these categories differ from each other

For instance, here are my insights:

With the exception of a larger following on Medium, the first category (“Have goals”) consists of items I can buy. Things in this category are very concrete and generally entail a one-time purchase or action.
The second category consists of activities and is more time-intensive. The activities are either one-off (a vacation) or continuous (such as regular exercise).
The third category is the most elusive. The desires in this category are emotional states that can be hard to measure. This category could also be used to describe roles, for instance: “I want to be a teacher. I want to be a mother. I want to be a husband.”

→ Is it the same for you? What other observations do you have?

Category one, Have goals:
Category two, Do goals:
Category three, Be goals:

Step 3: Explore if you want to rephrase a desire

Sometimes, it can be helpful to move a desire (particularly a “have” desire) into a different category.

The “have” category sometimes contains things that could be better expressed as a “be” desire, such as “I want to have a partner.” Can you see how “I want to be in a loving relationship” is a more meaningful goal?

→ Are there any desires that you would like to rephrase? For instance, in my case, it might be better to change the desire to “have a large following on Medium” into “be a successful writer on Medium.”

Step 4: Mark the BE DO HAVE goals that are currently the most important to you

Congratulations! You have a list of desires, neatly organized into BE DO HAVE goals.

→ Now, mark the desires that are currently the most important to you.

The Power of BE DO HAVE goalsetting

Here’s the main lesson behind this prompt:

It’s important to categorize your desires because different desires require different strategies and yield higher or lower rewards. And my wish for you is that you find the most rewarding goals for yourself.

→ Pursuing Have goals often only requires having enough money (and a bit of time) to get them. ��

While it’s fine to include a few “have” desires on your list for the year ahead, these types of desires are typically not meaningful enough to turn them your main goal for a year. Achieving them likely won’t make you that happy.

→ Pursuing Do goals requires time and activity. ��

While these are often more meaningful than “have” desires, it’s best to not exclusively pick “do” goals for the year ahead. As the saying goes, we’re human beings, not human doings.

→ Pursuing Be goals required much, much more. ��

Accomplishing Be goals often yields the highest reward.

That is because they require us to change who we are. For instance, you can’t have a child without becoming a parent, and becoming a parent will change the core of who you are. Similarly, I can’t have a larger following on Medium without becoming impactful (one of my “be” desires for 2019).

And something about changing the core of one’s being in a direction of one’s own choosing is deeply meaningful.

By getting clarity on the right goals for you, you already create the chapter titles in the book of your life in for the year ahead.

What does that feel like? Do you get excited about the “book” that you’re endeavoring to write in the new year? I hope that having these chapter titles helps you find an initial structure that supports you in the year and beyond!

Want more support to achieve your BE DO HAVE goals?

If so, I invite you to check out my 1-on-1 coaching.

Unsolvable Relationship Problems Have a Surprising Solution

Tue, 22 Sep 2020 16:10:27 GMT

Seemingly unsolvable relationship problems are part of the human experience.

For instance, I often see people (including myself) wrestle with tough questions such as:

Should I choose commitment or freedom in relationships?
Should I focus on caring for myself or for others?
Should I focus on nurturing my relationships, or on getting things done?

However, when we ask ourselves questions like these we tend to fall into a trap… and when I first learned about this trap, it blew my mind!

Humans are natural problem solvers. Our species has found solutions to severe medical conditions, tricky transportation challenges, and even minor inconveniences such as boredom (reality TV and such!).

Yet ironically, our great problem-solving skills can sometimes cause us problems.

This is because when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

But not all our challenges are actually problems. Some challenges belong in an altogether different category.

Unsolvable relationship problems aren’t actually problems

Yes, that’s right. Unsolvable relationship problems are something else entirely.

Allow me to introduce you to one of the most important distinctions I have ever learned about (thanks to Polarity Management which was originally created by Barry Johnson ): the difference between problems and polarities.

This distinction is crucial in the context of our relationships because it helps us determine if a relationship challenge we face is solvable (indicating a problem) or only manageable (indicating a polarity).

For instance, the question “Should I propose to my girlfriend Lucy?” indicates a solvable problem. The same is true of the question: “Should I break up with Lucy?” (Sorry, Lucy!)

Problems tend to have an either/or answer. You either decide to propose to Lucy or not. You either decide to break up with her or not. Proposing or breaking up with someone is a concrete action step that you can choose to take or not.

In contrast, the question “Should I focus on commitment or freedom in my relationship?” has a both/and answer. It is not solvable because one would ideally focus on both commitment and freedom in a relationship.

This question does not indicate a problem, but a polarity — the polarity between commitment and freedom. Unlike problems, polarities are ongoing.

For as long as you are in a relationship, there will always be the apparent conflict between wanting to be close to your partner (commitment) and wanting to be your own person (freedom).

While there is much more to be learned about polarity management , there are things you can do right away when you are presented with a unsolvable challenges in your relationships.

The 5-step process for dealing with unsolvable relationship problems

1. Identify if the relationship challenge is a problem or a polarity

As was explained above, problems typically have an either/or answer, whereas polarities have a both/and answer. Problems are typically limited in time, whereas polarities are ongoing. Problems can be solved, whereas polarities can only be managed.

If you want to spend your summer vacation in Greece this year, but your partner wants to stay home, it’s a problem and therefore at least technically solvable (for instance, if one of you compromises).

A common relationship problem is differing expectations that lead to disappointment. While this is a more tricky issue than a simple yes/no-decision, it is solvable.

2. If your challenge is a polarity, identify the two poles of it

For instance, if you feel conflicted in your relationship, you may be dealing with the polarity between closeness and freedom. (Note that both poles have a positive or neutral label. This is intentional, because both poles are important.)

3. Identify which pole you generally tend to gravitate more to

Oftentimes, when we are presented with a polarity, we tend to favor one side over the other. For instance, you may be a freedom seeker and avoid getting close to your partner, or you may be so close in relationship that you almost merge with your partner.

4. Identify the negative effects that come from focusing on one pole

When we focus too much on one side of the polarity, we make things harder than they need to be. This is because polarities tend to be interdependent, not oppositional.

If we ignore one pole and go overboard with the other, both poles suffer. For instance, if you are in relationship with a partner and only focus on closeness, at some point you may start to feel as if you’re losing yourself.

You may then become resentful towards your partner and withdraw. Thus, ignoring the “freedom” pole may have a negative impact on the “closeness” pole, too.

5. Start focusing more on the other pole — without overdoing it

In contrast, if you took adequate (as opposed to excessive) time and energy to have your own life and your own interests and friends , it would be hard to feel trapped in relationship. Thus, by adequately dealing with the “freedom” pole, the “closeness” pole also benefits.

Just remember to not go overboard with it.

I respect your privacy .

If You Want Happily Ever After, Keep Your Money

Tue, 08 Sep 2020 19:06:05 GMT

A few years ago, a good friend of mine texted me a picture of an engagement ring he had bought for his partner.

I didn’t know how to respond. While I was happy that he was getting engaged, I felt sad that he had spent a few grand on something that wasn’t even consistent with his value system but that was the “thing to do.”

My friend’s experience isn’t unique. For many people, their wedding turns into one of the priciest days of their lives.

For instance, in May 2016, the Knot reported that the average cost of a U.S. wedding had reached an all-time high of $32,641 in 2015.

What makes this number even more absurd is that this doesn’t even include the honeymoon (arguably the most enjoyable part of a wedding). The average cost of an engagement ring alone was close to $5,871.

Spending big on the ring and ceremony is actually shown to be correlated with a shorter marriage.

To put that number into perspective, the median U.S. household income was $53,657 in 2014 (according to the U.S. Census ).

Is it worth it to spend a large fraction of a household’s median annual income on a wedding?

What we value and how much we value something is a highly personal question that we ultimately have to answer for ourselves. At the same time, in order to make good decisions, I think it’s important to have as much information as possible.

In terms of wedding and engagement costs, an interesting insight was discovered in a 2014 study by two economists from Emory University. The researchers found, after following a sample of 3,000 married couples, that spending big on one’s wedding and engagement ring did not seem to increase the likelihood of a happy marriage.

More precisely, the study concluded that “marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony.”

Yes, you read that right: Spending big on the ring and ceremony is actually shown to be correlated with a shorter marriage.

The researchers also stated that their “findings provide little evidence to support the validity of the wedding industry’s general message that connects expensive weddings with positive marital outcomes.”

What are some potential takeaways from this study?

We could take this research as an invitation to question the claims made by clever marketers that spending big on engagement rings and the wedding will lead to marital happiness.

Instead of deciding that more expensive is better, we could use the results of this study to encourage engaged couples around us to figure out which wedding setup truly supports them best, in terms of their personality, value system and finances.

We could educate ourselves — or the people around us — about alternate wedding concepts, such as eco-friendly green weddings, cost-efficient DIY weddings and/or ethical weddings that give back. An easy way to spread the knowledge is through sharing information and resources on these different approaches to tying the knot.
What to do about wedding rings

An easy first step to reduce wedding costs and decouple marriage from the marketing machine is to consider different choices when it comes to rings.

When we buy a diamond ring, what we really buy into is an icky marketing strategy that wants us to believe we need this object to ensure marital love.

Couples who care about fairness and making smart financial investments may be much better off not buying a diamond ring, as a legendary journalism piece published in 1982 reveals. The author, Edward Jay Epstein, described how difficult it can be to sell an individual diamond at a profit.

For instance, he mentioned that the Dutch Consumer Association had tried to sell a perfect diamond of over one carat to 20 leading dealers in Amsterdam in 1976 — only to be turned away by 19 of them. According to Epstein, the only remaining dealer merely offered a fraction of the original price. The article also mentioned selling attempts in London and New York City which were equally disappointing.

Apart from drawing attention to what he called the “steep markup on diamonds,” the author also revealed the marketing history that turned diamonds into a “must-have” for engagements.

It described how De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd., an incredibly successful cartel, had been formed to control the diamond trade. With an ingenious marketing strategy detailed in this article, De Beers created the perception that diamonds are a sign of wealth and success, as well as a necessity for engagement and marriage.

When we buy a diamond ring, what we really buy into is an icky marketing strategy that wants us to believe we need this object to ensure marital love.

Since many of us may find that distasteful, here are a number of other options:

1. Not using rings or bands at all

It is possible to have a wedding ceremony without exchanging rings, so one may choose to ditch wedding rings/bands altogether. I know a number of people, in particular men, who would prefer to not wear wedding bands because they have never worn something on their hand in the past and thus have a hard time getting used to the sensation.

Similarly, some people are prone to losing small objects, including wedding rings or bands. Not getting a wedding ring/band in the first place (or only an inexpensive one) takes away that worry. By forgoing a wedding ring, we can show that love does not depend on what we wear on our hands, but on what we carry in our hearts.

2. Use existing family rings/bands

Many families possess heirloom rings/bands. Since a goldsmith can often alter them in size for a relatively small fee, they can be passed down to a couple who wants to be engaged.

This has a number of advantages: the heirloom ring/band actually gets used as opposed to just lying around, and couples who feel sensitive to cultural pressure can meet outside expectations for a nice ring/band. Additionally, using one ring from each family and exchanging them is also a wonderful way of including the families of both spouses in the ceremony and showing that they are coming together as a result of the marriage

3. Creating one's own wedding bands

Another option that I actually find more romantic and special than buying a ring is to create one’s own wedding bands under the supervision of a goldsmith. Some goldsmiths offer special workshops where they teach couples how to create their wedding bands out of gold or other materials.

While this costs more than the other two options, it is a nice way to support a local business. It’s also an opportunity to be creative together as a couple and to not only create a lasting memory, but also objects that can be worn for a lifetime.

The Takeaway

With some creativity and research, most couples will find a way to create a wedding that truly works for them.

In my view, the most important lesson is this: it is the depth of love a couple has for each other (as well as their skillfulness in navigating expectations and unsolvable relationship problems ) that best predicts marital happiness.

A version of this article was first published at Elephant Journal .

I respect your privacy .

Free Yourself From Negative Emotions in 3 Simple Steps

Mon, 01 Jun 2020 21:39:59 GMT

How to get from victim to sage mode, even when you don’t feel like it.

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar Wilde

I think many of us can relate to Oscar Wilde’s desire to have some control over his emotions, particularly the disruptive ones. And yet, the reality often looks very different.

For instance, I recently talked to a coaching client who was pretty upset about something that had happened.

My client, let’s call her Mary (not her real name), is a mindful and self-aware person who meditates. However, she just couldn’t let go of the negative emotions she was feeling about a particular negative incident.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably experienced the same thing at some point: despite wanting to get over our reaction to an event, we sometimes just can’t. We keep on cycling back to an intense, unpleasant emotion again and again and again. It's through that repetitiveness that negative emotions can become a big life problem .

That’s what Mary was going through when we talked. As she expressed her bewilderment about how hard it was to get rid of those unwanted feelings, I explained that we typically don’t manage to shift our emotional state in an instant.

The Stages of Emotional Release

What I have found works best when it comes to letting go of negative emotions is a multiple-step (or stage) process. I recently used this model myself after making an annoying mistake that led me to lose a number of files that I wasn’t able to recover.

By following these steps, I was able to remain surprisingly calm in the midst of my mishap, instead of continuing to beat myself up about something that I couldn’t undo anyway.

In that situation, I went through three distinct stages. The names I currently use for these stages are as follows:

(empowered) victim,
analyst, and
sage mode.

In a moment, we will look at these three stages in more detail. First, though, let’s explore how they interrelate.

The best analogy I have for this is water, which — as we all know — can exist in three different forms: solid, liquid, and gas.

When we’re stuck with an emotion, we experience it as solid and unmovable (just like snow). What we would like instead is for it to be almost unnoticeable, like gas. However, if we heat up snow over a fire, it first turns to liquid before it vaporizes.

Our emotions are similar in that each of the three stages I described above builds on the previous one, and we have to go through them in order.

When I made the mistake I just described, I wasn’t able to go from “Oh no, how could you?!” to “Well, this is a great learning opportunity” in an instant. Instead, I moved one step at a time.

Let’s look at these stages in more detail:

1. Victim Stage

“I am not a victim of emotional conflicts. I am human.” — Marilyn Monroe

When something negative has happened to us, we typically first find ourselves in the victim stage. This is an emotional stage where people rant, rage, or express their annoyance about the incident that has happened.

We’re often told that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to “be a victim,” but that’s only partially true. Just because we’re temporarily in a victim state doesn’t mean that we’re a victim in our lives in general. It just means that we’re human.

The (empowered) victim stage is an important one, and we don’t do ourselves any favors in bypassing it in favor of supposedly more enlightened feelings.

It’s also worth noting that sometimes people really are victimized in terrible ways and that they have a right to call themselves whatever they want — whether that’s victim, survivor, or anything else.

Even with minor incidents, people typically need to feel heard and seen before they’re ready to move on, so prematurely telling them to get over themselves is neither helpful nor compassion. Of course, we also don’t want to do the opposite and remain in a victim state forever.

While it’s uncomfortable to be in this place, it’s also necessary to fully acknowledge to yourself (or to another person) how you’re feeling. By owning your feelings of hurt or anger, you can then move from disempowered victim to empowered victim.

In this stage, consider the following questions:

What did you want that you didn’t get?
How did it make you feel when you didn’t get it?

For instance, let’s assume someone flaked out on you for an important meeting. What you might have wanted from that person that you didn’t get was for them to take your time seriously.

In my case, I felt annoyed at myself for acting too rashly, leading to the (unrecoverable) loss of some of my content. What I wanted from myself that I didn’t get was to pause for a moment before taking action.

2. Analyst Stage

“Analysis gave me great freedom of emotions and fantastic confidence. I felt I had served my time as a puppet.” — Hedy Lamarr

We’re now able to move onto the analyst stage. In contrast to the previous stage, this is a rational and logical stage where you try to understand why the other person (or yourself, if you’re mad at yourself) acted the way they did.

This also starts to liberate us from the intensity of the emotions we’re feeling.

Consider the following question:

Why did you/the other person act that way? If you can’t come up with an answer, try to think like a therapist. What reason could someone possibly have for acting this way?

In our hypothetical example, the person who flaked out on you might have simply gotten the date wrong. Or perhaps they were too overwhelmed with other things that happened and forgot about it. It probably wasn’t anything personal.

In my case, I made a mistake because I was tired and wasn’t at my best due to the Covid-19 situation, which was at a peak back then.

You’re ready to move out of the analyst stage when you feel some love and compassion towards the person you want to forgive.

3. The Sage Stage

“The gateways to wisdom and learning are always open, and more and more I am choosing to walk through them.” — Louise L. Hay

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You’ve come to the best part of the process! This is a proactive or even transcendental stage where you look for the learning opportunity in the experience.

Consider these questions:

Where’s the gift in this?
How could this help you improve your life?

For instance, someone displaying a lack of respect your time might show you that you need to respect your own time more and set firmer boundaries with people. Perhaps you need to surround yourself with people who make you a priority and who are reliable.

In my case, the gift I got from this experience is that it helped me realize that I needed to share my content with people — and back it up. Everything I had shared with others was still there; it’s just the content I had kept for myself that was gone for good.

When you consider these questions, you might even be able to find some gratitude for the whole experience, since you were able to gain new insight and knowledge about yourself and others.

The Takeaway

The next time you’re upset about something, recall that it’s easiest to change emotions one step at a time instead of all at once.

Along the way, you’ll move from victim to analyst, to sage, learning something valuable from an otherwise problematic situation.

That’s what I did with my recent mishap, and I’m happy to report that this process worked just as well for Mary.

By following the steps I just described, you will be able to gain control over disruptive emotions, with the elegance of water.

After all, as the great Bruce Lee advised:

“Be water my friend.”

Did you like this article?
Was it helpful for you?
Are you glad you read it?

May I help you some more?

I have created a free mini-meditation for you that can help you get from stressed to blessed in 5 minutes! If you'd like to check it out, just click on the button!

Hopeful Meditation for New Beginnings & Life Change

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 21:00:29 GMT

When you're ready for a new beginning, things can be confusing. You're in a time of transition when the old is still around and the new hasn't yet arrived. How should you deal with standing at that threshold?

In this guided meditation, I lead you through a process that can help you with that transition. It can help you say goodbye to the past and get ready for a whole new beginning in your life. Your past does not define you and you can shape your future.

Let's begin anew, today! Start with this meditation.

If you'd like more meditations, click on the image below to get my free stress relief meditation.

How to Get Paid Doing What You Love & Start Your Business Today

Thu, 09 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

How can you get paid doing what you love ? Often, the best way is to build a side business around something your passionate about.

Doing so not only feels good because you get to do something you love, it also can help you create another income stream and bring in extra money during challenging times.

In a moment, I will reveal the secret that will allow you to start your virtual side business... this week!

But first, let me introduce you to someone I was connecting with a while ago. This woman, let’s call her Cindy (not her real name) really cares about helping people with their financial planning.

When we talked, she was wondering about how to build a business around her passion and purpose. Cindy so badly wants to help people on their path to a more secure financial situation but is unsure how to go about it and get herself out there.

How could she turn her interests into a business, from scratch?

In this article, I'll share a process with you that can help you get your first clients, without needing to spend any money in a process. This is a process I've created after having helped hundreds of people from six continents, so you can rest assured that this is solid advice.

But before we do this, let’s switch gears for a moment so I can give you some important context that will help you get the most out of this process.

What my Ph.D. thesis has to do with how to get paid doing what you love

Cindy’s situation felt like when I first started working on my Ph.D. thesis.

My topic was very broad and involved so many different layers that I was wondering how to bring it all together. I also had all these big ideas about what I wanted it to look like when it was finished.

Since I hadn’t even gotten to the writing part yet, spending too much time thinking about the final result I was aiming for felt overwhelming.

While I had big ideas, I really didn't know how to bring it all together.

Back then, with no words yet on paper, I had an academic marathon in front of me. And, I had literally just left the start line of the long-distance race.

But, as they say, a journey of 1000 miles (or 1609 kilometers) begins with the first step.

In other words, to complete my Ph.D., I had to put one metaphorical foot in front of the other instead of getting lost thinking about the finish line. I had to focus on one footnote, one sentence, one paragraph, one page, one chapter at a time.

When I did this and kept my eyes on the next step, I made progress, enjoyed my work and celebrated my successes. When I focused on the finish line instead, I often grew impatient or became stressed by how much was still ahead of me.

How does this apply to building a business around your passion?

What I have learned from my own entrepreneurial journey is that creating a full-time, profitable business takes time.

The process of building a business is not that different from completing a big project, such as a Ph.D. thesis. In both cases, it makes sense to focus on one step at a time.

Now, the first step when it comes to turning your passion into a living is to find at least one person you can help with what you do.

At first, it doesn’t even matter if you do this for free or if you get paid for it. (Unless you need the extra income right now in which case it makes total sense to start charging right away.)

Making your business as profitable as you want comes at a later stage, just like editing a Ph.D. thesis comes after creating a draft.

It's one step at a time . But, before you worry about the second step, let us get you started with the first, shall we?

Here’s a short exercise that can help you start getting paid doing what you love:

STEP 1: Brainstorm how you could help one person with what you’re passionate about

Take a moment to gather some ideas on how you could help a single person (or, if it’s absolutely necessary, a group of people) with what you’re passionate about.

One of the best and simplest ways of doing this is through coaching/consulting/teaching in your area of expertise. The benefit of a service-oriented business is that you can get started right away without needing to either order or create products. (If you like, you can always do that at a later point.)

While your passion might not lend itself to this at first glance, it can work in so many areas, whether you like to do copyediting , want to help people who suffer from insomnia or improve the lives of chefs (these are all examples from people I personally know).

If you have many passions, pick the one that people might want the most help with and be most willing to pay for.

--> For instance, right now people might be interested in learning about how to grow their own food, cook their own healthy meals, home school their kids (or remain productive while doing so), exercise from home, create a meditation practice, start a new side hustle, go digital, save money, etc.

--> If you know how to sew, you might be able to help people in your network (and, ultimately, in their community who benefits from more people wearing them) by creating hand-made face masks . All you need is the material, a sewing machine, and a way to ship the hand-made masks. Just make sure people actually want them before creating a dozen masks that you can't sell.

Whatever you come up with, just make sure you follow all applicable laws.

Example: “Hmm. I guess one way to help one person could be to help them get a clearer idea of what their financial needs are. So many people don’t even know how many assets or liabilities they have, and it typically really scares them to investigate it. Maybe helping someone create a financial overview could be a way for me to help one person with my passion for finances.”

STEP 2: Create a short email/Social Media post to find your first guinea pig(s)

There is a lot of effort that can go into creating a post like that. But, please don’t aim for perfection! Just be specific about what service or product you offer people.

Especially if you are very nervous about this or if it is your first rodeo in helping people with your passion, it might be easier to offer your services for free. Also, I would encourage you to put a cap on the number of clients you take on, especially if you offer your services for free or for a discounted fee. I would suggest a number between 3–5 to begin with, although you could also go with just one person.

If you're offering a product, such as a hand-made face mask, you'll need to find a price that feels resonant. You can search on places like Amazon and Etsy what other people charge for similar things. Take a picture of your own mask, post it on Social Media and let people know that you can also create one for them. Take their payment (for instance, through PayPal) and then create the mask.

Before you draft your post, decide where you want to share it, as this can influence the length/format of your invitation. I recommend to share it on as many Social Media platforms as possible. At the very least, I would suggest that you share it on both Facebook and LinkedIn (if you have accounts on these platforms).

If you don't use any Social Media accounts, you can reach out to people via email and ask a friend or family member to share it on their Social Media accounts for you.

Example for what to share:

“Hmm, how do I do this? So, I think the easiest way would be to share this on my Facebook profile. Maybe I can put it like this...

Hi everyone,

As you may know, I’m super-passionate about finances. It’s an area I’ve explored for the last 2 years. And, since I know how many people struggle with getting a handle on their finances, I’d like to help 3 people with all that I’ve learned… for free!

I’m offering three “Master your finances” spots. We’ll work together for one month (over phone or Skype). During that time, I’ll help you gain clarity about your financial situation and the next steps you need to take in this area.

Let me know if you’re interested by commenting below or sending me a private message. Again, I’m limiting this to three spots.”

You can use the template above and just adjust it to your specific situation:

"Hi everyone,

As you may know, I’m super-passionate about [...]. It’s an area I’ve explored for the last [X amount of months/years]. And, since I know how many people struggle with getting a handle on this, I’d like to help [X number of] people with all that I’ve learned… for free [or: for a low fee of...]!

I’m offering {give your sessions an attractive name that speaks to what people want] sessions. We’ll work together for [X amount of time...this should be a least one call] (over phone or Skype/Zoom etc.). During that time, I’ll help you gain clarity about [the topic you help them with} and the next steps you need to take in this area.

Let me know if you’re interested by commenting below or sending me a private message. Again, I’m limiting this offer to [X amount of] spots.”

Note on tech:

if you need a video conferencing platform for calls with just one person, a free Zoom account will work fine. However, you might also like to check out Jitsi which is a video conferencing platform that you can also use for free longer calls with multiple people (something a free Zoom account doesn't offer). Plus, it's open-source!

At this point in your business, you most likely don't need an appointment scheduling software. But if you want one, check out my recommendation .

STEP 3: Share your invitation and follow up with people who respond

Once you are done with the invitation, share it as widely as possible. If someone indicates interest, follow up with them. If you don’t hear back from anyone, play around with your wording and re-post it on the same or a different platform.

Often, it can also be helpful to reach out to people directly that you think might be a good fit.

Example: “Okay, so nobody responded but I think Jaime could really benefit from this. So, I’ll reach out to her directly. Here’s what I could write:

Hi Jaime,

I recently posted this on Facebook and just wanted to reach out to you to see if this might be of interest to you? Totally okay if not, I just wanted to let you know about it in case you’d like some support when it comes to finances.

<copy and past Facebook message>”

Getting paid doing what you love is your hands-on Ph.D. project

If you would like to create a business around your passion, I encourage you to think about it as a hands-on Ph.D. project.

It is probably going to take you longer than you think (but you will likely also enjoy successes earlier than you thought!).

There will be challenges you haven’t foreseen. But, you will also have a lot of fun moments along the way, too. Ultimately, you can get paid doing what you love.

In the book of your life purpose, focus on writing one sentence at a time. You do that by taking it step by step.

And, the initial step to creating a purpose-driven business is to formally help the first person with what you are passionate about.

So, how about finding your first client or customer today, to start practicing helping people through your services?

Want more information on how to start doing what you love and getting paid for it?

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Can You Make Good Money When You Love What You Do?

Fri, 03 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

People say that everything's great when you do what you love, but you might be (rightfully) concerned about financial security.

Would you like to find the way forward?

Start by picturing yourself in the following situation where a crazy genie has suddenly materialized itself in your living room.

Continue reading or listen to me tell you this story:

The genie lunges at you with a crazy look in its eyes: "DO I NEED TO REPEAT MYSELF? I DON'T LIKE repeating myself. You can ONLY have the work you love, OR the money you want. QUICK, which one will it be?"

Your pulse starts racing. You don't want to choose. You can't.
This is not a fair choice. You'll be miserable either way.

You take a look at the genie who seems to enjoy seeing you in pain. If only you hadn't picked up that darn bottle you found on the beach. The same bottle that now lies smashed on your kitchen floor. Along with the last remnants of your sanity.

You continue glancing at the shards, wondering what you have done to deserves this.
Beyond the fear, it's also a bit confusing to you. From the childhood stories you heard, you don't recall genies being quite so...sadistic.

The genie stares you into the eyes as if it could read your mind.
On second thought, that's probably exactly what it has been doing.
You can't help but flinch.

"First of all, I'm a Jinn .
Secondly, nobody actually cares about your secrets.
And thirdly, I don't actually exist."

With a puff, the genie disappears in a cloud of smoke. Or mist?

You exhale, only noticing now that you'd been holding your breath.

"Fourthly..." the voice comes out of nowhere. You jump, turn in a circle and ask yourself if you have gone mad.

"Fourthly, even though I don't exist, you do live your life as if I did."

You press the back of your hand to your forehead. Maybe you should check your temperature.

"Don't bother." The genie still sounds the same even if it is nowhere to be seen. "You're suffering from something the doctors can't help you with."

"Yes. I'm suffering from an impending psychosis, by the looks of it." You glare at the invisible genie. Which means that you glare at nowhere in particular.

"Oh no no no." The genie's voice feels rushed. "Can't you see what's going on?"

"What's going on is that I'm talking to the air."

"Yes, that too." The genie suddenly sounds patient and gentle. "But that's not what I meant."

"THEN WHAT DID YOU MEAN?" You think to yourself that the psychosis is getting worse. You're now officially shouting at air.

"What going on is that you're suffering from a severe case of the Money/Meaning-Dilemma which impedes your life fulfillment ."

"The WHAT!?"

"The Money-or-Meaning Dilemma."

The genie takes on a professorial tone: "This dilemma is actually quite common in your culture, my dear."

"I am not your dear!"

The genie continues with its lecture, unperturbed: "It is based on the societal belief that we can only have money or meaning in our lives."

"Oh-kay. What does this have to do with me?"

"Patience, my dear, patience. Now, according to this belief system, people have the choice between two bad options --- to either ignore their desire to do the work they really love to do, or to sacrifice their need for financial security."

"Hmpf." You make an effort to maintain your grumpy facial expression but notice that you're paying full attention.

"In other words, you can either choose the path of money (i.e. external success) or the path of meaning (i.e. internal fulfillment)."

"Mmhm." You head decided to nod, without your conscious consent.

"It’s also the main reason why someone who is as accomplished, intelligent and talented as yourself feels like a total failure deep down. And why you feel you're in the wrong place, in the wrong job, in the wrong life. And why you wonder how on Earth you got there. And why you ask yourself if you should give up on your big paycheck to pursue what you really want."

"So what do you propose I do? I mean, obviously money is more important."

"At first glance, that may indeed be the case."

"It is! I have bills to pay."

The genie pauses: "Do you know

Viktor Frankl ? "

"The guy who wrote "Man's Search for Meaning?' Holocaust survivor?"

"Yes, and a psychiatrist. He also wrote that "t
here is nothing in the world ... that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life."

"Hmm." You can see where this is going and you're not sure if you like it.

The genie continues lecturing you:
"Having survived Auschwitz, Frankl's observations about meaning were not of a theoretical nature."

"Okay, I can agree with that part."

"What we can take from this is that while money helps fulfill your basic and other needs, meaning gives you a reason to live.
Whereas money can give you a sense of success, meaning provides fulfillment. Or, as self-help guru Tony Robbins said: ' Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.'"

Ouch. That hurt. And not just because an invisible genie just quoted Tony Robbins.

You sigh: "So, wise one, what should I choose?"

"Glad you asked!" The genie's voice sounds all perky. "The great news is that you don't have to! There's a sure way out of this dilemma!"

You press your lips together. "You're starting to sound like an advertisement."

The genie ignores you: "You can have a life of true success. You can have external success and internal fulfillment."

"Okay, no, you're actually sounding more like a deranged cheerleader."

"Mock me all you want, little change-maker but it's true."

The genie pauses for a moment: "However, having this requires making a big shift. A shift that starts internally. Now, you humans often treat meaning, or purpose as something that comes from what you do professionally in the world. And that's why many people believe that they need to make external changes in order to feel more purpose in their lives. Do you follow?"

"Yes. I'm not totally stupid." You can't help but sound defiant. And a bit defensive. This is hitting close to home.

The genie ignores your hostility and continues calmly: "However, it's an incomplete perspective to equate your purpose with your profession and your external output. If you want to unlock the real power of meaning, you need to broaden your understanding of what it is."

"Okay. So how do I broaden my understanding, or whatever it is you think I need to do?"

"Patience, little change-maker, patience. Now, according to Frankl, two of the main sources for finding meaning in life are work and love. I define them as follows: Work describes a contribution we make through our doing in the world. Love describes a sense of connection we feel through our being in the world. "

"Yes." You perk up a little. That actually sounded quite good.

"What you need to know, little change-maker, is that these two are not separate from each other. As the poet Khalil Gibran so beautifully put it: 'Work is love made visible.'"

"Not my work!" You can't help but protest.

"Yes, that's part of the problem. So what I'm trying to say is that what we would typically call our purpose is ultimately an outside expression of love. Once you bring love to your exploration of what you want to do in the world, everything changes."

The genie increases its volume: "What you need to know is that purpose, being intrinsically related to love, is something that starts on the inside. While purpose is often expressed externally, it is not dependent on outside conditions. You can begin to create a sense of purpose in any environment."

"And how do I do that?"

"That, my dear, will be your journey to travel. My work here is done. Farewell, little change-maker."

You hear a big swoosh. Then little hearts start filling your room.

You groan. "Really? You're just gonna leave me here like that? With glowing hearts floating all around me?"

Silence. The hearts disappear.

"Do you expect me to clean all this up by myself?"

You look around the room. The broken bottle on the kitchen floor has disappeared as well.

As you ponder your conversation with the genie, your face lights up. With determination, you walk towards the door.

You don't know if you can make good money when you love what you do. But it's sure worth exploring.

This is your story and it's to be continued.

How to Find the Right Partner by Being Clear on What You Want

Tue, 11 Feb 2020 12:54:27 GMT

Whether you're looking for someone to spend your life with or want to create a business, you might wonder how to find the right partner. Someone who is really compatible with you.

So, let's start at the beginning of that potential relationship. And that beginning is when you first meet someone.

Perhaps you run into them at a party, in a supermarket, or a networking event. Maybe a friend introduces you. Or you might connect on a dating app or Social Media. Either way, the following will apply.

While finding the right partner involves an element of luck, your approach can be what makes or breaks your chances.

Concretely, let’s talk about how your expectations can stop you from finding (or rather, recognizing) the right romantic partner for you, someone you can fall in love with .

Interestingly, the following considerations apply to other relationships, too.

For instance, while I’m not looking for a romantic partner anymore, I still need to find the right person/people in many different areas of life — such as when it comes to business collaborators, coaches, or accountability partners.

To show you how universal these principles are, I will describe how I’m applying them in the context of my business relationships.

The role of expectations in finding the right partner

In relationships of any kind, it's crucial that you learn how to manage expectations skillfully as this will minimize disappointments . However, expectations also play a role at the very beginning of a relationship.

As my husband Elijah recently pointed out, there are two main approaches that people use to sabotage their chances of finding the right partner.

They either have overly high or unnecessarily low expectations. Let's consider these in more details:

Overly high expectations

People who fall into the first camp have troubles with finding the right partner because nobody meets their strict criteria.

For instance, you might have a friend who is single and whose criteria for a life partner are virtually impossible to fulfill. In that situation, your friend is sabotaging any chances of finding the right partner by putting the bar so high that nobody can get over it.

As musician Christina Milian remarks, not having overly high expectations can be powerful: “I feel like if you don’t put too much expectations and too much high hopes into things, everything will fall into place.”

How I’m applying this in my own life and business: I strive to not place overly high hopes on things and allow myself to be positively surprised.

For instance, one of the best business collaboration I ever had just…happened. I hadn’t planned for it. I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the phone call me and the other person had scheduled (other than an interesting conversation).

I just got on the call, we really clicked, and our business collaboration developed from there. Can you see how that’s similar to going on a romantic date with someone without having huge expectations and while you’re just enjoying your time?

Overly low expectations

In contrast, if someone’s expectations are too low, virtually everybody they meet can make the jump. As a result, they end up settling for somebody who is not the ideal person for them, such as when you don’t share the same values.

An example of that is getting together with a person who is disrespectful, unreliable or unkind — which often happens when people don’t fully trust that they deserve to be treated well.

Or, as entrepreneur Joel Brown puts it: “We only get what we believe that we deserve. Raise the bar, raise your standards and you will receive a better outcome.”

How I’m applying this in my own life and business: I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten a lot more selective when it comes to people I consider collaborating with in my business.

There are certain things I just don’t want to deal with…and being clear about the expectations I have of someone before I consider collaborating with them can save me a lot of time and energy.

Isn’t how I’m approaching business collaborations quite similar to being selective about who you consider going on a second or third date with?

The Goldilocks Zone of finding the right partner

Elijah remarked that beyond these extremes of “too much” and “too little” expectations, there is a zone that is “just right” — the Goldilocks Zone.

As you may know, this term comes from an old fairy tale turned into a children’s story — Goldilocks and the Three Bears . In one of the many versions of this story, a little girl called Goldilocks comes across a house occupied by three bears of different sizes — a large, a middle-sized and a small one.

Goldilocks helps herself to the bears’ belongings by testing their porridge, chairs, and beds. With each category of items, she finds that there is one that is “too much” and another that is “too little.”

However, there is also one that is “just right” for her. (Hooray!)

Since Goldilocks is really hungry and has read socialist critiques of private property, she proceeds to eat the porridge that is “just right” for her.

But back to her process of identifying the right bowl of porridge. What can we learn from that?

Right-sizing your expectations

When you want to find the right partner, you need to sort through your expectations with the same discernment Goldilocks used.

Remember that Goldilocks didn’t just pick the first bowl/chair/bed (or the second, for that matter). She wouldn’t have been as happy with either of these. At the same time, Goldilocks also wasn’t so fussy that she decided all the bowls of porridge weren’t good enough for her…which would have resulted in her going hungry.

As you can see, it’s really about Goldilocks having identified the Goldilocks Zone of expectations.

Typically, we don’t automatically find ourselves there.

We need to work on rightsizing our expectations.

This often includes trial and error.

For instance, when I first considered collaborating with others in my business, I rather desperately wanted to feel like part of a team. As a solopreneur, I was missing the interaction with others. That’s why I was willing to collaborate with everyone who showed even the slightest interest in working with me— which isn’t a much better idea than being willing to date just anyone.

I’m not doing that anymore. Nowadays, I have a number of criteria someone would have to meet for me to want to collaborate with them.

At the same time, I also can’t expect the people I’m collaborating with to be “perfect” (however I might define that). If that was my expectation, I’d never get to collaborate with anyone.

How to know if your high expectations prevent you from finding the right partner

Grab a list and write down all your non-negotiable expectations in a partner.

Then, take a moment to consider if a single person can fulfill all these requirements.

Hint: if the description of your ideal partner sounds like a cross between the enlightened Dalai Lama, the super-rich-and-supposedly-sexy guy from “50 Shades of Grey” and wickedly smart Marie Curie, you probably should get back to the drawing board.

If your expectations are too high (“I want to date a billionaire, Noble Prize-winning, spiritual saint who moonlights as a supermodel…wait, did I forget something?”), you exclude everybody.

People like that exist…in fiction.

They’re called “Mary Sue” (or her male equivalent) .

Readers are typically not fond of them because perfect people are boring.

In my case, if I can’t even stand reading a book with a “Mary Sue” character, chances are that I wouldn’t want to collaborate with them for an extended period of time.

How to know if your low expectations prevent you from finding the right partner

How do you know if your expectations are too low?

Read through your list of expectations and ask yourself if pretty much everyone is able to fulfill your criteria.

If your expectations are too low, you exclude…nobody.

Your expectations should exclude some people. Otherwise, what’s the point of having them?

And, because humans are not…well…porridge, the other person gets a say in the whole matter (also known as “affirmative consent”).

(Side note: I never thought I’d use “porridge” and “affirmative consent” in the same sentence…never a boring day!)

As a result, one expectation that definitely should go on your list is: “wants to be with me” (or something along those lines).

In my case, my ideal business collaborators would want to collaborate with me as much as I want to collaborate with them. Unequal relationships of any kind don’t work well.

"Right-sizing" your expectations makes it easier for you to identify the right partner

I respect your privacy .

How I Stopped Hating My Work

Sat, 08 Feb 2020 19:43:27 GMT

I’ve got an embarrassing confession to make.

Here we go: over a year ago, I found myself hating my work.

Which might not seem like a big deal. After all, lots of people don’t love (or even like) their work.

Except I had branded myself as the Work You Love Coach. (Yepp, as you can see, that’s literally my domain name.)

Go figure!

Let me reveal how I found myself in the rather uncomfortable position of being an expert on loving one’s work while secretly hating my own—and, more importantly, how I crawled out of that particular hole.

My work honeymoon

Before all this happened, I had been loving my work for a number of years. After having left my career as a lawyer to start my own business on another continent, I was amazed that I could get paid for doing something that I loved to do.

So I wasn’t being disingenuous when I decided to focus on helping people have work they love.

I genuinely believed that work was a beautiful opportunity to make a positive difference in the world. That work could provide so much meaning for people. That I never wanted to retire because I liked what I got to do.

Trouble in paradise

However, at some point, the honeymoon phase ended and things between me and my work got “complicated.”

Given my niche, not liking my work made me feel like a total hypocrite. (Kind of like a fitness trainer who’s always binge-eating junk food or a relationship coach who cheats on their spouse.)

And, one of the things I most detest is hypocrisy. Hence the need to get it all off my chest, publicly.

After all, as the saying goes, you’re only as sick as your secrets.

And, it’s not exactly a secret anymore if you post it on your public blog, is it?

But first things first. Let’s explore why this was happening and what I learned from this experience about how to feel better about one’s work.

Why was this happening?

Back when I found myself in this place, I had no idea why I was feeling the way I did.

How was it that I found myself deeply unhappy with my work, to the point of hating what I was doing and just wanting to snap at everyone who was somewhat involved in it?

How was it possible, given that I had already created work for me that I really loved and that felt meaningful and fulfilling?

To add insult to injury, how was I able to help other people feel better about their work while secretly resenting mine?

My light bulb moment

What I eventually realized was this: I had too much on my plate.

Too many people wanted something from me and I felt like I was forever playing catch-up.

I was busy working on my business, coaching my clients, blogging, taking extensive business trainings (plural!), and exploring a new business idea with someone I hardly knew (with all the challenges that come with a new professional relationship ).

In my spare time, I was co-leading a multinational legal team of a new political movement that was getting ready for public elections in a number of countries.

When I examined the situation, I realized that all of the things I was working on were things I loved to do and that felt meaningful to me. It wasn’t that these weren’t good things, it’s that I had too much of a good thing.

We need to realize that the dosage makes a huge difference. Water is hugely important for the human body and yet, you can quite literally kill yourself by drinking absurd amounts of it in a short time.

I was killing the joy I had for working by having too much work that felt meaningful to me.

(The challenge with meaningful work is that it’s much harder to just stop doing it, precisely because it feels meaningful.)

While it’s important to know why something negative is happening, it’s even more important to know how to change it. Which brings me to the next point.

The steps I took to love my work again

Stop overworking

“We think, mistakenly, that success is the result of the amount of time we put in at work, instead of the quality of time we put in.” — Arianna Huffington

The most important thing I did to fall back in love with my work was to stop overworking.

Concretely, I gave myself a set time to stop working each day. I only allowed myself to work longer if I either had to meet a deadline or if this was to accommodate an individual or a group who otherwise couldn’t talk to me (such as a client or a webinar).

I also stopped doing things that weren’t supportive of my business. This included considerations about a new business idea that didn’t seem to go anywhere and, once the elections were over, to step down from my position with the political movement.

The results of working less? I was more productive and increased my income (presumably because I focused on the things that actually made a difference in my business).

Needless to say, that really helped me feel better about my work!

Focusing on other areas of my life

“You should not confuse your career with your life” — Dave Barry

Sometimes it helps to stop focusing on areas of life that cause us grief. When we’re unhappy with our work, it’s often because we focus too much on it. (The whole “all work, no play” thing.)

So, for me, that meant spending more time with my husband and doing things I enjoyed. For instance, more regularly taking walks around a nearby lake to enjoy time out in nature.

Focusing on other areas of my life was a beautiful medicine for the antipathy I had developed for my work. And, with time, I once again wanted to focus more on my work…this time without neglecting other areas of my life.

Being honest about what was going on for me

To change something, we need to be honest with ourselves and with others. This is not always easy. As Gloria Steinem and others have put it:

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

When we’re not honest with ourselves about what’s happening, we suddenly have two problems: the initial problem (in my case, not liking my work anymore) and the added problem of trying to pretend that’s not really true.

Admitting to ourselves how things really are gets rid of one of these problems.

Is it comfortable? No!
Is it necessary? Yes!

So, I admitted to myself and to some trusted others that I felt the way I feel. It didn’t mean that things couldn’t change and that this would always be the truth for me. It just meant that this was where I was at the time.

After all, you can’t get to your desired destination without getting clear on your current location.

Once I was honest with myself about what was really going on and gained clarity on why that was the case, things got better. I was able to create some much-needed changes.

As a result, I discovered a better balance in my life and soon found myself once again enjoying the work I got to do.

Lesson I learned

Through all this, I realized that work is pretty resilient. If you dislike your work at some point, it’s possible to take a step back, readjust and come back with renowned focus.

The same is probably not true for other areas of life, as real estate entrepreneur Gary Keller so wonderfully describes:

“Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls — family, health, friends, and integrity — are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”

Thankfully, in my case, this hadn’t happened to me and all four balls were (and are!) still intact. That said, this quote is a great reminder to not focus on work to the exclusion of everything else.

When I did this, I once again started to love my work.

How to Know When to Quit Your Job

Tue, 08 Oct 2019 00:00:00 GMT

How can you gain clarity on when to quit your job (and if you should even do it)?

Well, I have an exercise for you to help you gain some insights about that. Watch the video and/or continue reading below.

For a moment, imagine the following situation:

It has gotten dark outside when you hear the knock at your door.

You are startled for a moment. It’s late and you’re not expecting anyone.

The knocking continues. Whoever it is sounds quite persistent. Should you open?

Your intuition tells you that it’s someone you know. Someone who plays a big part in your life. And someone you shouldn’t ignore.

With a sigh, you get up.

You open the door. Suddenly, you find yourself face-to-face with your late-night visitor.

“Who are you?” You’re certain that you have never seen this person before in your life. And yet, something seems familiar.

Before your visitor can respond, you know the answer to your own question .

Beyond the shadow of a doubt. The person standing at your doorstep is… your work.

Let’s step back for a second.

In 1982, the English punk rock band The Clash released a song called: “Should I stay or should I go.”

If you’re like some of my clients, you might ask yourself that question when it comes to your work. And, you might consider many different variables to answer whether you should stay or go.

The problem with all these variables is that it can get really difficult to make the right decision. And, sometimes it can be hard to see the forest for the trees.

Is there perhaps a different way to find answers?

Instead of ruminating about “work satisfaction,” or “engagement at work,” it’s also possible to imagine one’s current work as a (fictional) relationship partner and to then assess the state of that relationship.

Considering work from such a relationship angle is unusual, for sure. But it is also more intuitive than other approaches.

After all, humans have been in relationships with other people for a really, really long time---even before our ancestors started using language to communicate. In contrast, our “level of engagement” in a line of “work” that might not even have existed 100 years ago is a much more abstract concept.

How to use this approach to get clarity about whether you should leave your work:

Let’s get back to your late-night visitor who’s standing in front of your door. As you’re considering this person, ask yourself the following 4 questions.

It might be helpful to write down the answers.

1) If your current work was an actual person, what type of relationship partner would they be?

Maybe they would be a generous, loving person to be in connection with. Or perhaps they would be a harsh, critical partner. Or your work might be a challenging partner in other ways, for instance, by being flakey and unreliable.

Whatever response comes to you, allow yourself the space to let this be. The answer to this question might be painful---and while it’s uncomfortable to feel this, it’s also okay. Things can change. However, for something to change, it’s often necessary to face what’s really going on in the first place.

Example: “Phew. So if my work was a person, they’d be downright abusive! Truth be told, I’d want to get a restraining order. I wouldn’t want them anywhere near me or anyone I care about!”

2) If your current work was an actual person, how would you feel towards them?

You might feel love and appreciation towards them. Or maybe you’d wish that they’d be elsewhere so you could have your peace. You might feel trapped by them and considering ditching them for someone else, or you may feel a combination of different things for them.

Again, whatever comes up in response to this question, allow yourself to feel this. It’s courageous to ask these questions, and the courage to face uncomfortable situations in your life can be extremely valuable in creating what you most want.

Example: “If my work was a person, I’d feel afraid of them. I’d also feel very unsafe around them.”

3) If your current work was an actual person you’re in a relationship with, how would they affect the rest of your life?

Maybe they’d think that it’s important that you also have a life outside your relationship with them and they’d give you enough space to stay in touch with your family and friends. Or perhaps they’d demand that you spend all your time and energy with them.

Depending on your situation, your answer to these questions can be painful. Still, in the long run, it’s often more painful to not face certain truths.

Example: “If my work was a person, they’d be controlling and have no regard for my needs. Also, my health and wellbeing would suffer, the longer I stayed with them.”

4) If your current work was an actual person you’re in a relationship with, what would need to change for you to be happy with them?

Perhaps there are only little changes you’d like to see. Or maybe you’d feel undervalued by them and you’d want more recognition. It’s also possible that you’d feel that you need to do something differently---for instance, by being more appreciative of them. Maybe you’d like to try harder. Or perhaps you’d feel there’s simply no way to rescue the relationship.

If this question leads to practical suggestions, it can be helpful to jot them down.

Example: “Are you kidding me? If my work was a person, there’s no way I’d be happy being in a relationship with them. They’d have to do a complete 180. I really don’t see that happening. Hmm… maybe I really need to get out of there.”

In closing

The process of asking these 4 questions might have brought up a lot of things for you. Perhaps it has revealed some truths about your situation. Or maybe it has led you to reconsider certain things. Whatever the case for you, it’s important to take some time considering these answers, instead of rushing into action.

Creating a healthy relationship takes time. Some relationships are not meant to be, whereas others get better if you pour your heart and your effort into it. Whatever category your current work situation falls into, thinking of it as a relationship might help you get clearer on if and when to quit your job.

And, as H. Jackson Brown, Jr. pointed out: “Remember that no relationship is a total waste of time. You can always learn something about yourself.”

How to Pick a Focus When You Have Many Passions

Wed, 25 Sep 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Some people are finding it hard to focus on one thing because they're passionate about so many different things !

Let's take one of my former clients, Mike (not his real name). Mike was bored in his job so he really wanted to connect with his passion. But, as a naturally curious person, he had so many things he was interested in that he couldn’t decide which one to pursue.

His head was spinning and he felt like he was driving himself mad.

Mike's predicament reminds me of a show called "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." (some spoilers for Season 4 ahead).

In this show, an entire team of agents (except one person) vanishes without a single trace. The only remaining team member, a super-intelligent scientist, gets captured. The tough woman in charge of his abduction wants answers, so they put him through one intense interrogation after the other to try to figure out what happened to the rest of the team.

But since the team was literally abducted by aliens, the scientist has no answers for his interrogators other than "I don't know." It doesn't matter how often he gets asked the question, he still doesn't know.

For people with many different passions , trying to figure out what to focus on can feel a bit like that, like they're torturing themselves with questions that have no answers.

For instance, in our first conversation, Mike mentioned that he had been considering his passions for a really long time (we're talking years) but just couldn’t figure out which one to focus on. He thought that once he had that figured out, he could take action.

But, here’s the kicker:

It’s actually the other way around. The path to anything becomes clearer once we’re on it.

This also applies to finding one’s passion or deciding which career to focus on. In other words, you can't find your passion by thinking about it because your mind is like the super-intelligent scientist in the show. It doesn't have the answer for you.

When people continue to think about their passions and interests without taking external actions, at some point it turns into a mental loop (which feels very uncomfortable). And yet, like the interrogator in this show, it's hard to stop asking the questions because it so feels like they need to have answers.

The way to break that mental loop is by taking external action to deliberately explore what you’re passionate about, one interest at a time.

Just like the super-intelligent scientist in the show, your mind is a great resource for finding answers to your questions. But, you need to give your mind actual food for thought. And the way to do that is by taking action.

Here’s a short exercise that can help you begin to do that:

Step 1:

Grab a sheet of paper and a pen. I recommend doing this the traditional way instead of taking notes on digital devices because the act of manually writing something down engages us at a deeper level.

Step 2:

Write down 3 things that you feel passionate about or that you’re really interested in. If you’re reading this article, chances are that you’re a multi-passionate person so it might be challenging for you to keep it to 3 items only.

Example: “Hmm, so I just love to draw. That’s something that’s really important to me. So, I’ll put that on the list. Also, I really care about environmental stuff, in particular, renewable energy. Reading about renewable energy just makes me happy. So, let’s add that to the list. Lastly… hmm, I have so many things, which one to pick? How about conscious business? I really like finding out more about that.”

So:
1) Drawing
2) Renewable energies
3) Conscious business.”

Step 3:

Pick one time from the list and commit to exploring this for two weeks. If you have a hard time deciding, pick the first one you mentioned.

Example: “I think I’ll go with conscious business. I’d really like to learn more about that.”

Step 4:

What’s one small step you could take today to start exploring the thing you picked? This is supposed to be a really small step, such as a web search for courses on the topic or ordering a book about it.

Once you’ve decided on a small step, immediately do it. If you have a hard time completing it today, pick a smaller step.

Example: “I’ve heard some people talk about Fred Kofmann’s book Conscious Business. So, I think I’ll order that today.”

Step 5:

Continue to take small steps to explore the passion or interest you picked. While you do this, be very open to the feedback you receive, both internal and external.

For instance, does it light you up when you spend time exploring the topic? Or does it feel more like a chore? What’s it like for you to interact with people who are interested in the same thing?

How do you feel about your passion/interest after having explored it for two weeks? What do you want to do next? Stick with the passion you picked or explore a new one?

Example: “So, I enjoyed reading the book about Conscious Business and engaging with some people who have similar interests on Twitter. But, honestly, I don’t think I’m that interested in it, after all. Not enough to want to deal with it every day. I think I’ll explore renewable energy next.”

In closing

Asking your mind to tell you which of your passion and interests to pick is like the interrogation of a clueless character on TV. It doesn't get you any closer to answers.

One’s passions exist in the world, not in one’s head. That’s why it’s impossible for you to figure out how to pick a career in your head alone.

By taking action to explore your interests one at a time, you'll get more information on which one(s) make the most sense to pursue. And, sometimes that information can be very surprising.

I think Mike’s story is a good example of how someone’s path becomes clearer once they start walking it: When I asked him to tell me about his interests, he mentioned A, B, and C. Guess which of these interests he decided to fully commit to after exploring them for a while?

Interest D.

One Mike hadn’t even mentioned. One that wasn’t on his radar. But, without his conscious exploration of interests A, B and C, he might not have run into the person who talked to him about D and got him excited into learning more about it.

If you can relate to Mike's initial predicament, how would you feel about moving from interrogation to exploration?

P.S.: Did this resonate?

I love helping people gain clarity on which of their many interests or passions they want to pursue more fully. You can read more about what I do here .

Are You Feeling Overwhelmed? These 5 Principles Can Help.

Tue, 17 Sep 2019 00:00:00 GMT

You're feeling overwhelmed. Let's recap for a moment. How did you get there?

You might be carrying a lot of family responsibility or work pressure n your shoulders. Perhaps a lot of people rely on you and you really don't want to let them down.

Maybe attempting to meet all the demands and expectations placed on you takes up all of your time, leaving you drained and stressed on a regular basis.

You might wonder if there is a way out of this.

Perhaps you are close to giving up hope that you can have the life you want to have, a life where you can continue to deliver in your work while taking good care of yourself and your loved ones.

You might have tried a lot of different things to get out of this place.

If you're responding to overwhelm like many other people, you might have tried changes on the behavioral level (such as time management). You also may have tried to shift your mindset, for instance by being more positive about the situation.

Perhaps you have sought out advice and support from people around you or from experts (such as life coaches or therapists).

Maybe you have tried to educate yourself on the issues you’re facing---or you might have simply decided that you need to ignore what you're feeling and soldier through.

Why haven't you gotten the desired results from these efforts?

It's because these efforts began at the periphery of change, not at the center.

And the center of any change is you.

By getting clearer on who you really are and what you want and need, change can happen relatively effortlessly, from the inside out.

With increased clarity about yourself, it becomes easier to say no to things that are not on course for you. This, in turn, frees up time and energy to focus on what you most care about.

There are a few fundamental principles which are at the heart of what needs to happen to make this shift.

By learning, living and integrating the following 5 principles, you can gradually stop feeling overwhelmed.

1. Compassionate self-understanding
In our culture, we are typically taught to be hard on ourselves. Compassionate self-understanding unravels that harsh conditioning and reveals your authentic truth.

2. Priorities in life
Today, many people have more freedom than at any other time in history. However, if the number of options are overwhelming, freedom of choice turns into a prison. True freedom comes from being clear on your priorities in life.

3. Commitment to change
Throughout most of humanity’s existence, change signified danger. As a result, we still have a natural preference to maintain an unpalatable status quo----something that mere motivation often can’t overcome. That’s why deep change generally requires true commitment.

4. A healthy relationship with fear
Change often brings up fear. Because our culture sees fear as an enemy, it creates a dysfunctional relationship with this generally helpful mechanism. Without a healthy relationship with fear, the change process can feel like you’re fighting windmills.

5. Support network
Humans are social creatures and want to belong. Because this sense of belonging can feel threatened when you’re in a change process, it's really hard to go through this all by yourself. A support network is a valuable asset in this process.

Next steps:

If you would like to get support on your path and think that I might be able to help, I invite you to check out my services here .

A couple of years ago, I was a high-paid atto rney working on multi-billion and million dollar cases, qualified for judicial office, and about to complete my PhD from the world's oldest university institute in international law. After a long internal struggle, I decided to move from my native Germany to the US for the love of my life, and left my previous career to build my own business.

I have been interested in helping people deal with their challenges ever since I was a teenager who volunteered on an award-winning crisis phone line. Today, I help my coaching clients step more fully into their authentic leadership, create positive change in their lives and connect with their passion. I also offer business consulting services to the CEOs of small companies.

I am excited about this work because personal growth has one of the highest return on investment I can imagine. I love seeing how the changes my clients make not only benefit their lives---but also the lives of those around them, including their families, friends and employees.

You can find out more about my story here .

Basic Human Needs: Here's What You Need to Know

Fri, 13 Sep 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to make sure y our basic humans needs are fulfilled.

By that I mean the physiological (water, food, sleep etc.) and safety needs in Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Depending on where you are in your life, this prompt might not seem to apply to you at all.

For instance, you may be in a place in your life where you have so much more money than you need. If you can afford a Lamborghini, you can obviously meet your basic needs. Right?

Here’s why I think that…

Everyone should check if their basic needs are being met

Even the most successful often have unmet basic human needs.

Take, for instance, the totally sleep-deprived CEO of a large company. If someone has not had a good night’s sleep in months, would you really say that all their basic needs are being met?

Author and businesswoman Arianna Huffington apparently wouldn’t. Here's an excerpt from her open letter to Elon Musk:

"Working 120-hour weeks doesn’t leverage your unique qualities, it wastes them. You can’t simply power through – that’s just not how our bodies and our brains work. Nobody knows better than you that we can’t get to Mars by ignoring the laws of physics. Nor can we get where we want to go by ignoring scientific laws in our daily lives.

[...]

To cite just one study, after 17-19 hours without sleep, we begin to experience levels of cognitive impairment equivalent to a blood alcohol level of .05 percent, just under the threshold for being legally drunk."

As Medium's largest publication The Mission pointed out when it republished the (subtly titled) article Sleep Deprivation Is Killing You and Your Career by Dr. Travis Bradberry,

“more than half of Americans get less than the necessary 7 hours of sleep each night, according to the National Sleep Foundation. For go-getters, it’s even worse. A recent survey of Inc. 500 CEOs found that half of them are sleeping less than 6 hours a night.”

If you don't get enough sleep, you might want to check out my interview with good friend Sondra Kornblatt from Restful Insomnia:

So, what if you’re in a place where getting enough sleep is the least of your worries right now? Let’s look at…

What you should do if you don’t know how to pay your bills

It’s hard to think about your passion when you are worried about how to put food on the table or where you will sleep next week.

Thus, if it’s challenging for you to pay your bills, try to address that issue first.

As I wrote in my article about how to experience more work and life fulfillment , it can be challenging

“to really explore what lights you up if you are concerned about paying the bills. Focusing on bringing in money first gives you access to a range of resources you might otherwise not have, such as courses that allow you to explore your passion or other forms of support, such as coaching .

While there are ways to explore your passion for free or cheap (such as by getting books on them from a public library, borrowing musical instruments from friends, watching YouTube video topics that interest you), having more money gives you more options.”

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Which of your physiological needs are currently being fulfilled? Which ones aren’t?
This category includes things such as food, water, sleep, shelter etc. For instance, while you might drink enough during the day, maybe you get very little sleep.
Which of your safety needs are currently being fulfilled? Which ones aren’t?
This categories includes financial security, job security, personal security, as well as health and well-being. For instance, while you might be healthy, perhaps you are concerned about paying the bills. Or maybe you have more than enough money but are starting to get concerned about the impact that stress has on your health.
Based on your answers, pick one area to focus on.
For instance, you might choose to get more sleep or take action to improve your financial situation.
Pick one small action you can take to improve that area.
If you want to get more sleep, one idea could be to install a blue light filter on all your devices (since experts point out that blue light can negatively impact sleep). Or if you want to improve your financial situation, a first step could be to remove your credit cards from your wallet so you’ll have to pay cash (since studies show that people spend more money if they use credit cards).

The idea ��

If you want to live a great life and be as effective and productive as possible, make sure your basic needs are being met to the best of your abilities.

It’s much easier to do things from a resourced state.

How to Get Rid of Fear–It's Not What You Think

Wed, 28 Aug 2019 00:00:00 GMT

You might be wondering about how to get rid of fear . After all, in my last prompt I encouraged you to follow your own path by pursuing goals that both excites and scares you. Let's take a look at how to deal with fear.

So, let’s say you’ve identified what you really want.

And, let’s say that emotionally, you’re finding yourself in a place similar to my client Andy (not his real name) when he decided he would finally start promoting his new business.

In other words, you really, really want to go for your goal—and you feel an equally compelling urge to hide underneath the sofa.

Have you ever experienced these contradictory feelings at the same time?

Based on my observation, it’s very common that people are scared by what they most want .

If you pursue something that scares you, how do you get rid of the fear that sabotages you?

The first thing to keep in mind is that you shouldn’t listen to culture. Repeat: do not listen to culture!

Basically, our culture only gives us two bad options for dealing with fear:

Option №1: You valiantly start fighting your fear
(depicted below)

→ Result: your fear gets stronger! ❌

Option №2: You not-so-valiantly decide to hide underneath the sofa
(depicted below)

→ Result: your floor gets an unintentional cleaning — but nothing else improves in your life. ❌

And because our culture likes the whole Don Quixote/tilting at windmill’s approach, it advises you to pick Option №1.

Which would be great—if it actually worked.

Let’s take a look at…

Why fighting your fear doesn’t help you get rid of it

What’s the evolutionary purpose of fear?

It’s to keep you safe from harm. Your fear doesn’t want you to get eaten by a saber-tooth tiger (or by any other predators, for that matter).

So, how would your fear be able to keep you safe if you could shut it up easily?

For instance, imagine what happened if you could easily get rid of your fear:

Cave-You casually strolls through the woods, collecting local, organic and gluten-free blueberries from the bushes. (Millennia before organic food became a thing. Go Cave-You, little trendsetter!)

Suddenly, some twigs (or trees?) snap.

Fear: “Be careful! This might be a saber-tooth tiger.”

Cave-You: “Shut up, fear!”

Fear: “Oh, okay.”

Cave-You gets mauled by a hungry saber-tooth tiger.

Fear: “I told you so…”

In other words, if fear were less persistent, it couldn’t do its job! And, the job of fear is super-important.

Let’s face it: Without fear, we most likely wouldn’t be here. Our ancestors would have gotten themselves killed by doing something they really shouldn’t have been doing.

In other words, we don’t get to tell fear to shut up!

Despite all that fear has done for us by helping humanity survive,…

Our culture is completely averse to fear and would love to banish it

For instance, check out the following quotes:

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.”—Dorothy Thompson (Tell that to Cave-You! RIP, Cave-You! *sniffles*)
"There is perhaps nothing so bad and so dangerous in life as fear.”— Jawaharlal Nehru (There is. Saber-tooth tigers, for instance...)
" Living with fear stops us taking risks, and if you don’t go out on the branch, you’re never going to get the best fruit.”—Sarah Parish (And if you get eaten by a saber-tooth tiger, you never get to enjoy the nice, tasty blueberries.)

So, the moral of the story:

We need a more skillful way of dealing with fear

What are we doing when we are trying to get rid of our fear (fight it) or just let it push us around (flee it)?

We’re treating our fear, our very own in-built survival system, as an enemy. That’s right, as an enemy. (We typically don’t fight or flee our friends, do we?)

When I put it that way, doesn’t that sound kind of… crazy?

So, what would be a better way of handling fear?

Well, how about treating it like an adviser instead? You don’t need to follow all the suggestions an adviser has for you — but it would probably be smart to at least hear that person out, wouldn’t it?

The same is true for your fear.

In many cases, your fears actually have some basis in reality. For instance, my client who was scared of promoting his business had the fear that he might be judged. That's a reasonable fear because when more people see your work, you will not only receive more positive feedback but also more criticism.

Of course, that doesn't mean that my client shouldn't promote his business, it just means that he should be prepared for being criticized so that he doesn't get derailed when that happens.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to actually be aware of the worst-case scenario, so that you can make a plan to deal with it?

Once you do that, your fear will shut up and actually let you get to work.

Here’s how that might look like:

Cave-You and the saber-tooth tiger, take 2 (featuring a healthy relationship to fear)

Suddenly, some twigs (or trees?) snap.

Fear: “Be careful! This might be a saber-tooth tiger.”

Cave-You: “Oh! Not good.”

Fear: “SABER-TOOTH TIGER!!!!”

Cave-You: “So, what should I do?”

Fear: “RUN!”

Fear: “FASTER!!!”

Organic blueberries get mauled by a hungry Cave-You who safely made it back to the cave.

Fear: “I told you so…”

— THE END —

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

A 5-step process for "getting rid" of your fear

Grab a pen and paper. Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Pick a goal that really excites and scares you
Write down the goal and make it as specific as possible. For instance: “By January 2020, I have 5 full-time employees.”
Rank your fear
On a scale of 1 (no fear at all) to 10 (panic attack), how much fear does that goal brings up for you?
Explore your worst-case scenario
What is the worst-case scenario your fear wants to warn you about? Even if it sounds catastrophic to you, please write it down. For instance: “I screw up and have to fire all my employees. My former clients and employees and even my friends and family all hate me. I end up living under a bridge.” Ouch!
Brainstorm options ��
Brainstorm what actions you could take to make that outcome less likely. For instance: “I could begin by hiring freelancers to work for me. I could also get advice from people who have been through this before. I could also use a Mastermind group and perhaps also a business coach to keep me accountable.”
Pick one of these options and start taking action
For instance: “I could definitely use a Mastermind group right now, even before I reach my goals. So, I think I will brainstorm a list of people to ask if they’d like to be a part of my Mastermind group.”

The idea: to "get rid" of your fear, learn how to embrace it

I hope this article (as well as your own experience) has shown to you that it's impossible to fully get rid of fear. However, that doesn't mean that you're stuck feeling afraid.

Instead of treating your fear as an enemy and wondering how to conquer your fear, treat it as an adviser. That will drastically reduce the fear you feel and help you make better decisions.

The secret: You don't need to make your fear work for you. It already does. You just need to let it.

Manage Your Energy; It's What Matters Most

Mon, 19 Aug 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to manage your energy by working towards high energy levels.

This is related to my last post about what to focus on first .

So, let’s talk about…

The significance of your energetic state

Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to do something productive if you feel tired, drained, and exhausted?

In your life, there are probably days when you just breeze through tasks and surprise yourself with your level of productivity. ��

And then there are the other days…

when everything takes much longer than expected,
when you find it hard to be creative or to tackle any challenging task,
when, instead of working on your priorities , you eventually resort to doing grunt work for the remainder of the day (here’s what to do when you’re too tired to work ). ��

Why are you sometimes able to squeeze five hours of work into one whereas, at other times, the ratio is inverse?

It’s because time isn’t everything. Or rather, it’s not the sole indicator that matters.

A quote that is generally attributed to Albert Einstein explains this rather nicely: “When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it’s only a minute, but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.”

When it comes to our general productivity, we could proclaim (à la the 1992 Clinton campaign): “It’s the energy, stupid!”

Or, to be a bit more nuanced, we might say that…

Your energy matters more than your time

In a 2007 Harvard Business Review article, Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy encouraged the reader to manage energy, not time.

They diagnosed: “The core problem with working longer hours is that time is a finite resource. Energy is a different story.”

Your energy, which is composed of your emotional and physiological state (among other things) influences what you are capable of at any given moment.

Tony Schwartz and Jim Loehr described it this way in their book The Power of Full Engagement : “Performance, health and happiness are grounded in the skillful management of energy.”

So, let’s talk about…

Things that nourish your energy

Thankfully, there are things you can do to be in an energetic state. These include getting enough sleep, downtime, and exercise, as well as focusing on good nutrition.

If you don't get enough sleep, you might also want to check out my Podcast interview with my good friend Sondra Kornblatt from Restful Insomnia.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are five things that drain your energy?
Examples might include: binging on Netflix, overworking, not moving enough during the day, not drinking enough water, drinking too much coffee or consuming too much sugar (only to have your energy crash after a short burst of energy), talking to people who are being super-negative, watching the news for a long time etc.
What are five things that nourish your energy?
Examples include: getting enough sleep, meditating, exercising, deep breathing, going for a walk, being out in nature, talking to friends or loved ones, taking a short nap, taking regular breaks.
Pick one thing from these two lists that you want to change.
For instance, you might decide that you want to drink more water.
Pick one small action you can take to get started on that.
For instance, if you want to drink more water, you might decide to take a refillable water bottle with you everywhere you go. (Unless you are someplace where the tap water isn’t safe to drink, please don’t buy bottled water. It’s bad for your wallet and the environment. Instead, invest in a good water filter.)

The idea ��

If you want to connect to your passion and purpose (as well as getting to a place where you really love your work), learn how to manage your own energy.

It’s much easier to take action or feel passionate when you’re full of energy.

Saying No: How the Magic of This Word Can Free You

Wed, 14 Aug 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Why should you practice saying no?

Well, have you ever noticed how your to-do list sometimes becomes longer and longer, regardless of how much effort you put into reducing it?

In the midst of that ever-expanding list, what is most important can get lost in the haze. While it may be challenging to free yourself from all the demands placed on you, it all begins with one simple but magic word.

That magic word is: "No."

It makes us more focused and more directed. According to some news articles, saying no can even make us more successful!

The truth is that you simply cannot focus on our passion and purpose, on what is most meaningful and important to you if you say "yes" to everything. However, changing how you feel about the word “no” is one of the biggest steps you can take to improve your life.

Continue reading below for a process that can help you feel more comfortable with saying no.

To get the most out of this, watch the video and then read the rest of the article. (There's also a Podcast version of "Saying No: Why It's Hard & How to Get Better" if you'd prefer to listen to this while exercising or commuting.)

While this is a never-ending journey, here are four steps that can help you get started:

1. Become aware of your preferences

In most cultures, it’s not only salespeople who dislike the word “no.” Many people subconsciously prefer its more positive counterpart.

You can easily find out if you have a similar preference by saying “yes” and “no” out loud. How does the first word make you feel in comparison with the second?

In my experience, most people who do this exercise feel better when they say “yes.” They might report that it sounds uplifting, or they may notice a sense of possibility, openness, and movement.

In contrast, saying “no” can have a more distancing energy tied into its meaning. It can feel like you are shutting things down, and it may even threaten your sense of belonging to a group. Many of you may have learned during adolescence that in some group settings saying “no” to a suggestion would make you the outsider.

2. Become aware of the personal meaning we ascribe to the word “no"

In addition to the cultural and group-related reasons above, many people dislike the word “no” for personal reasons.

Specifically, it is common to make this word about oneself, and one's values. If a magazine doesn’t accept your article, if a company doesn’t respond to your job application, or if a person you dated never gets back to you, a typical (and understandable) response is to feel like you are not good enough for them, or that something is wrong with you.

Similarly, you may not like saying “no” out of fear that the other person will feel rejected.

3. Changing the story of what “no” means

But what happens if you changed your internal story about what “no” means?

What if a “no” were not actually a judgment about your value as a human (or as a writer, an employee, or a date), but just a judgment of the fit between what someone is seeking out and what you can offer?

Let me use a personal example: when talking with potential coaching clients, some of them will decide that what I have to offer is not for them. Now, I could choose to take their “no” (or “not yet”) as a value judgment about me as a person, or at least about me as a coach.

However, the truth is that their “no” is not about my value, just as my “no” wouldn’t be about their value. A “no” is merely about the appropriateness of the fit between us, as well as the timing of our connection. Ultimately, it boils down to whether what someone is looking for is a good fit with what I can offer.

The best thing I could do for them (and myself) is to tell them as soon as possible that I don’t have what they are looking for.

4. Seeing the value of the word “no”

Many people would hate to hear the word “no” from a person they went on a date with—even if they themselves had no interest in pursuing a relationship with them.

I believe that is because they do not see the perniciousness of an inauthentic “yes.” What I mean by that is a “yes” when they actually want to say “no."

When you hear such a “yes,” it may temporarily make you feel better about yourself. It may give you hope that you have a potential partner, job opportunity, or customer in front of you. The problem is that unless the “yes” is authentic, this hope is not based on reality. Thus, an inauthentic “yes” can lead to you wasting time and energy going down a dead end, instead of spending it somewhere where it could yield great results.

Similarly, when you say “yes” to another person (even though they are a “no” for you), you may temporarily feel better because you think you are not hurting someone by “rejecting” them. However, expressing an authentic “no” is often the kindest thing you can do in a situation where there’s not a fit. In addition to saving both of you time and energy, it gives clarity and direction.

A genuine “no” can help everyone involved to find their authentic “yes.” And what greater gift could we give to, or receive from anyone?

As Richie Norton put it: “Say no to everything, so you can say yes to the one thing.”

P.S.: Would you like to get my support?

I'd love to connect with you if you want to explore this possibility.

While I often call this "work you love coaching," what I really do is help my clients create a life they love. Because your work-related goals are really not separate from what you want in other areas of your life.

So, in addition to helping clients find their passion, increase their productivity, or solve business-related issues, I also support them with their goals in other areas (such as family or relationships).

You can read more about what I do here.

A version of this article was first published on elephant journal here .

What You Need to Know About Passion and Purpose

Tue, 13 Aug 2019 00:00:00 GMT

On your path towards passion and purpose, I’d like to encourage you to think about terminology.

Yes, really!

When I talk to people, they often use the words passion, purpose, and path somewhat indiscriminately:

“How do I find my passion?” “What’s my purpose?” “What’s my path?”

Without asking follow-up questions, it’s not immediately clear what they mean and where they feel they need help. Contrast this with someone who asks: “What’s wrong with my car tire?”

This question is much more self-explanatory, mostly because we all have a similar understanding of what a car tire is. This examples shows…

Why definitions are important

What I’ve learned (not least due to my legal background) is that definitions are incredibly important in life. Without getting clear on what we’re actually talking about, it’s easy to miss the mark.

For instance, when I someone asks me about the distance to Berlin, I’m thinking about flights to the German capital. Someone who lives near Berlin, New Hampshire, might have a different reaction to that question.

Misunderstandings can also occur when it comes to the…

Different aspects of work you love ❤️

Because passion, purpose and path point to different aspects of doing what you love , it’s helpful to learn to distinguish between them.

If you don’t love your work and you’re not quite sure why, this differentiation might help you get clearer on where the problem is. ⚠ Perhaps you need to find all three, or maybe you only need to work on one of them.

Let me give you an example:

Let’s take a woman who loves to write. It really pains her to see how many girls worldwide don’t have the opportunity to get a good education. In her day job, she creates copy for a car rental company. She doesn’t feel completely satisfied at work but why? What exactly is missing?

To answer that question, let’s look at the…

Definitions of the 3 Ps (Passion, Purpose and Path)

Apart from passion, purpose and path, other related terms could also be more clearly defined (such as the term “calling”). My decision to limit this article to 3 Ps is to keep the scope manageable.

When it comes to the distinction between passion and purpose, different authors define them in rather similar ways. A commonality is that purpose is seen as something about the world at large and as more important than passion.

In his book Ego Is the Enemy , Ryan Holiday makes a compelling case for purpose over passion. He also describes the difference between the two as follows:

“Passion is about. (I am so passionate about ______.) Purpose is to and for . (I must do ______….)”

Jeremy Haselwood put it this way:

“ Passion = What’s so meaningful to you that you crave it…; an inward impact

Purpose = What you were put on this earth to do; an outward impact”

Or, in the words of Micah Redding:

“Finding your passion is about finding what you love to do, finding your purpose is about finding something you care about changing in the larger world.”

When it comes to purpose, Micah Redding also encouraged the reader to think about a “meta-purpose” that’s contributing to things on a larger scale. While I hadn’t heard the term “meta-purpose” before, I think it’s a great description of a purpose beyond a purpose.

With that being said, here’s the way I would define the different terms:

Passion refers to what you love doing (for instance, writing or teaching)
Purpose relates to your deeper reason for doing it, to your why (for instance, in order to empower young people to create the lives they want) and
Path refers to how you bring it into the world (often, we can find a fourth “P” here: Profit and the question of how to make one’s work financially sustainable).

How do this distinctions apply to the example of the woman I used above?

Well, the woman gets to write a lot (Passion) and she’s making a living doing it (Path/Profit) — but she isn’t doing work that’s in alignment with her purpose.

Contrast this with a man who feels most alive when he teaches groups of people (Passion), who has a heartfelt desire to protect the environment (Purpose) and who takes on a job as an accountant at Greenpeace (Path/Profit).

This man is expressing his purpose and bringing it into the world in a way that financially sustains him — but not in a way that he loves.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What do you love to do? What lights you up?
This question points towards your passion. For instance: "I love expressing myself through writing. I love speaking in front of people."
Think of some cause you care about. Why do you care about them? Why is this important to you?
This question points towards your purpose. For instance: "I deeply care about animal rights because I want to protect animals who can't protect themselves. I also really care a lot about justice in general because I want a world that's fair for everyone."
How are you going to express your passion and purpose? How will you make this happen?
This question points towards your path. For instance: "I wish I knew!!!"
Based on your answers to these questions, what do you need to focus on?
For instance: " I'm somewhat clear on my passion and purpose, I just really don't know what to do about it. So I guess I really need to focus on my path." If you're unclear about multiple things, I'd suggest starting with exploring your passion (since it's typically the easiest out of these three).
What's one small thing that you could do to explore your area of focus?
Make this small. For instance: "Hmm, since I love writing and don't really know how to bring it into the world, I could start a blog. Or, actually, to make this more doable, I could just share my writing as a post on Facebook."

The idea��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, figure out what you’re actually looking for. Is it more enjoyment of a task (passion)? Or are you looking for more meaning (purpose)? Or is it about finding a way to bring your passion and purpose more fully into the world (path)?

My Surprising Career Advice: The ONE Thing You Should Avoid [Video]

Wed, 07 Aug 2019 17:37:48 GMT

In this short video, I share a surprising piece of career advice I once gave to a student back when I was an attorney. This video reveals the ONE thing you should avoid like the plague, no matter where you are in your career journey.

This might sound extreme but if you don't get this right, you'll have a much, much, much harder time following your calling.

The advice I'm sharing in this video really is the basis for a life of freedom, choice, and fulfillment. (Unfortunately, it's also the career advice most of us never got. So, if you want to do others a favor, please go ahead and share this.)

How to Avoid Feeling Disappointed in Relationship

Mon, 15 Jul 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Unfortunately, people quite often have to deal with feeling disappointed in relationship . Here's what that can look like:

Person A: “You don’t love me!”

Person B: “What? How can you even say that?”

Person A: “You never tell me you love me.”

Person B: “I just got up at 4 am to drive you to the damn airport in the middle of the night. Why would I do that if I didn’t love you?”

Person A slams the car door and walks towards the terminal. ✈️

Person B is left wondering what just happened.

This small example illustrates…

Why people feel disappointed in relationships

The truth is that people often experience more disappointment in their most loving relationships than in any other connection.

This can be heart-breaking. For if someone truly loves you , shouldn’t they be able to avoid hurting you?

It is also a counter-intuitive experience . Really, wouldn’t it make sense to get along the best with those one cares about the most?

I believe there’s a reason why personal, intimate relationships are often more difficult to navigate than professional relationships. It comes down to a simple distinction:

The crucial distinction between agreements and expectations

The distinction between expectations and agreements stems from author and motivational speaker Steve Chandler.

I first learnt about this as a way to navigate the coaching relationship with a client.

However, it quickly became apparent to me that it is also useful for every other personal relationship we have, whether with friends, parents, or our significant other.

Simply put, we can either have expectations of others or create agreements with them.

In a professional relationship, people often have relatively clear agreements.

For instance, an employee agrees to spend a specified amount of time working on behalf of an employer, who in turn agrees to pay a certain amount of money.

While both sides in a professional relationship may still have unexpressed expectations (for instance, the employee may expect a raise or promotion in due time), the parameters of the relationship are defined by an explicit agreement.

Agreements are mutual and explicit.

When we have an agreement with someone, both sides know what they can legitimately expect from the other person.

Personal relationships, in contrast, are widely governed by expectations.

Someone may, for example, assume their friends will be happy to help them move ( that’s what good friends do, right? ).

Parents may expect their adult child to visit with them ever so often ( isn’t that what good children do? ).

The one thing you can do to experience more happiness in our relationship and to avoid disappointment is to learn how to navigate expectations more skillfully.

(Want to be able to refer to this material in the future? I've prepared a PDF of this article and an audio file of the video for you. To get these free resources, just fill out the email form at the end of the article.)

How expectations can lead you to feel disappointed in your relationship

The problem with expectations is that people often have wildly differing ones.

In fact, the more authentic and free our society becomes, the less we can assume that we know what others expect from us.

For instance, a century ago it was much clearer in the Western world how the different genders would interact with each other during courtship and in a relationship. It was also clearer how children would behave towards their parents.

Nowadays, we are free to find our own way (hooray!), a freedom that comes at the price of confusion.

While some expectations continue to be widely shared in society — such as the presumption that one’s partner will not date other people — many others are less apparent.

Let's consider some examples of how expectations may differ.

For instance, a woman (such as Person A in the example above) may expect that a man who genuinely loves her will explicitly tell her he loves her every day because that is what she observed in her parents when she was growing up.

Meanwhile, her partner, who grew up in a less emotionally expressive household, expects that she will understand that driving her to the airport in the middle of the night is his way of saying “I love you.”

One’s expectations are generally unspoken and unexpressed.

The person affected by them is often not even aware that one has them (and vice versa ).

This makes them so difficult to handle.

A 3-step process that can help you prevent relationship disappointment

Our culture romanticizes expectations.

To prove true love, one’s significant other is supposed to simply know what one wants from them, and act accordingly.

Given how different we all are, this would basically require people to develop telepathic skills in order to have a happy relationship.

I believe there is a more realistic way of not feeling disappointed in relationship . It includes the following 3 steps:

1. Becoming aware of your own expectations

Oftentimes, people are not even aware of what their expectations are. All they know is that they somehow feel resentful towards, for example, their romantic partner.

If this happens to you, dig deeper and you may find that your partner has violated one of your expectations.

For instance, when it comes to planning your weekend, you may expect your partner to watch a movie with you. When your partner then spends the weekend doing other things, you may find yourself feeling resentful.

2. Verbalizing expectations

Once you are aware of your expectations regarding a specific event, verbalize them to your partner. Ask your partner to do the same.

While you might assume that you will watch a movie together, your partner may have the expectation of having time to meditate and catch up with friends on the weekend.

Depending on what your expectation is, verbalizing it can be scary.

Sometimes expressing an expectation can make people feel vulnerable and tender because the other person could say no. Still, taking emotional risks of this nature can both lead to deeper intimacy and to getting one’s needs met.

3. Coming to an express agreement

Make an express, clear agreement relating to the specific event. In our example, both of you could agree to set aside time for meditation, for talking to friends and for watching a movie during the weekend.

As actor Ryan Reynolds put it: "When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment."

This is true anywhere in life and it’s certainly true in personal relationships. The more we move from expectations to agreements, the less likely we are to experience disappointments in our relationships. (Side note: it also helps to learn how to express one's love skillfully , but that's a different discussion.)

At the same time, letting go of expectations in relationships doesn’t mean letting go of the hope that you can get what you want.

In fact, by expressly asking for what you want from the people closest to you and creating agreements with them, you’re much more likely to get what you want — whether that’s hearing the words “I love you” more often, or being driven to the airport at 4 am in the morning.

Would you like me to share more helpful resources with you (starting with a PDF and audio version of this article so you can revisit it at any time)?

If so, let's become email friends! Just add your details below and I'll keep you in the loop.

I respect your privacy .

This article was first published here (Elephant Journal).

How to Do What Takes You out of the Comfort Zone

Tue, 11 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

While the comfort zone feels safe, the real magic happens elsewhere . But how do take a big step that you're not ready for?

A while ago someone I know, let’s call her Nadine (not her real name), had an amazing and scary opportunity. She’d been invited to talk in front of a group of the pioneers and leaders in her industry.

Giving a speech to these people she looked up to is something Nadine had been wanting to do for the better part of a decade.

The only problem? She was very, very, very nervous. While Nadine was a great speaker, this was outside of her comfort zone.

So, how can you take a big step when you're really scared?

I once learned an important lesson about leaving the comfort zone:

I was just about to jump on a call for my first ever interview relating to my business which would expose quite a few new people to my work. At the time, my business was very new.

And, just like Nadine, I was very nervous.

So, I found myself pacing around the room.

I did not feel ready for what was in front of me. While I had prepared myself extensively, I still did not feel like I would know what to do.

My husband was patiently sitting on the couch. Eventually, he spoke. “You know,” he looked at me, “this is a big step.”

I nodded and continued to pace.

“You’re never completely ready to take a big step.” My husband paused. I stopped in my tracks. “You just do it and it works out.”

I sat down on the couch next to him. He was right.

When it comes to taking a big step, readiness is a myth.

People are never ready for big steps in their lives... and you don't need to be.

Change only feels comfortable when it’s small enough to fit inside one's comfort zone — but then it doesn’t really qualify as a big step. Massive leaps require people to leave their comfort zone, which by definition doesn’t feel comfortable or like something one is ready for.

Here are 3 realizations that can help you when you're not ready for a big step:

1. Instead of getting ready for a big step, prepare yourself

There's a subtle difference between being ready and being prepared. For instance, while I was prepared for my first interview, I did not feel emotionally ready for it.

Being prepared refers to taking all the preparatory actions (often physical or mental) to put you in the best possible situation before taking a big step.

For instance, if you have to give a big speech, preparing yourself includes a lot of practice and receiving feedback from others. This is what Nadine did when she rehearsed her speech in front of a group and asked for everyone's constructive criticism.

In contrast, being ready describes a sense of emotional preparedness, which is something more complex and less under one's control than mere logistical steps.

Being prepared but not ready is actually an ideal situation for growth: by preparing adequately, you minimize the chances of something going wrong. Not feeling ready demonstrates that the gap between your current reality and what you’re about to do is so big that taking that step will help you grow.

What are the actions you could take to prepare yourself for taking the big step ahead of you?

2. Dare to not be ready

Of course, it’s more comfortable to feel ready to take a leap. And yet where would it leave humanity if we only did things we already knew we could do?

Taking a big step we’re not ready for is the story of humanity.

Is a pregnant person ever ready for going through labor? Is a baby ever ready for being born? I doubt it.

Case in point:

I recently watched a YouTube video where male (and some female) volunteers try a machine that simulates labor pain while another person holds the control to increase the pain levels.

In one scene, a guy who was already writhing on the floor got asked if he was ready to move to the next level of the birth simulation.

Not surprisingly, his answer was, “No, I’m not ready!”

Humans are not ready for birth, whether literally or metaphorically (as in the birth of a new self).

If you have a big step ahead of you, can you dare to not be ready for it?

3. Accept that you don’t need to be ready to be successful

When it comes to taking big leaps, your extent of felt readiness does not predict whether you will be successful. It simply indicates how much the step will change you and how much it is outside of your comfort zone.

If you look around yourself, you might find ample proof that one does not necessarily have to be ready to achieve positive outcomes.

For instance, to reiterate a previous point, humans are not ready for birth. Yet billions of us are here right now, demonstrating that neither the parent nor the child needs to be emotionally ready for a successful birth.

No matter which massive leap you are about to take, in most cases others have walked a similar path before you.

Finding these positive role models can help put your mind at ease, at least a little bit.

Can you think of someone who has successfully done something that's similar to the big step in front of you?

In closing

It's completely natural to not feel ready for taking a big step, whether it's giving a big speech or giving birth.

Instead of trying to be ready, prepare yourself to the best of your ability, dare to not be ready and accept that you actually don't need to feel ready to be successful.

P.S.: Did this resonate?

I love helping people taking big steps in their lives. You can read more about what I do here.

Sounds interesting? If so, I'd love for you to get in contact with me! As always, I look forward to hearing from you.

Are You in a Winner’s Mindset?

Fri, 03 May 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Today, I'd like to encourage you to get into a winner's mindset.This is related to my last prompt about the importance of commitment .

Just like your level of commitment, your expectations make such a big difference in how you approach something. For instance, a while ago I talked to a client who was about to face a really big event in her life.

I called this event the metaphorical “dragon” she had to face on her hero’s journey. ��

And, because the “dragon” was so big, she was understandably rather afraid of facing him.

I explained that there are only two major differences between fear and excitement: When you’re excited (and not afraid), you continue to breathe and you expect something positive out of the experience.

We discovered that she was afraid of the dragon because she wasn’t sure she could beat him. Once she expected to walk away from the experience victoriously, her fear shifted to excitement.

The power of expectations

In addition to changing fear into excitement, positive expectations can also help you be more successful.

After all, it’s generally easier to succeed at something you think is at least possible.

However, the Catch 22 is that you often won’t feel something is possible until you have accomplished it.

To get out of this negative cycle and change to a winner's mindset it can be helpful to hear about others who’ve already done what you're seeking to accomplish. For instance, you can expand your horizon by reading about biographies of inspiring people.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Rank your current level of expectation
On a scale of 1 (“That’ll never happen. Ever!”) to 10 (“Of course this will happen for me.”) , how certain are you that you can find a way to live your passion and purpose? For instance: “Well, logically I know that it should be possible for me, too. I just don’t fully believe it yet. So perhaps a 5?”
Reflect on the result
Would you like to change your level of expectation? For instance: “I think I would like to increase this to at least a 7. I think I would feel better if that were the case.”
Brainstorm ways to change your level of expectations (if applicable)
If you decided that you’d like to change your level of expectation, what are things you could do to accomplish that? For instance: “I think I could talk to some people who made the switch to a purposeful career. I could also read books by people who are living their purpose. Perhaps I could even start working with a coach?”
Pick one of these ways and take action
Make sure that your action step is specific. For instance: “So, I will talk to people who made the switch to a purposeful career. I will begin to reach out to my friend Clara and see if she’s open to meeting for coffee this week.”

The idea ��

Expect to succeed. If you have positive expectations in this area of you life, you will experience less fear and a much better chance of getting where you want to go.

Actually, Are These the Best Productivity Apps?

Fri, 08 Mar 2019 02:00:02 GMT

“What are your favorite productivity apps?”

“Can you recommend any app for_____?”

At least once a month, one of my coaching clients asks me a variation of these questions.

And, without fail, my answer is somewhere along these lines:

“Sure. Let me introduce you to this cutting-edge productivity app.

*drum roll*

Are you ready?

Here it is:

I actually prefer p en and paper over digital apps.”

(Okay, truth be told, I skip right to the last line and offer more explanation.)

So, let’s explore…

Why the pen is mightier than the digital app

When it comes to any productivity app, I think it should fulfill 3 criteria:

it comes with a benefit we otherwise wouldn’t get,
said benefit adds value to our lives in a way that’s actually useful to us, and
the additional value outweighs the hassle of navigating the app (“hassle” can include privacy concerns, costs, learning curve etc.).

So let’s look at these criteria and how “pen and paper” match up.

Unique benefits of the "pen and paper" method and how those add value to our lives

Organizing ourselves with pen and paper is a “hands-on” approach. Since most of us spend so much time living in the abstract, writing things down physically can help ground us.

Speaking of the worlds we live in, many of us are online most of our waking hours. To counterbalance that, it’s great to take digital breaks. And, pen and paper work much better for digital breaks than any other app.

Because you don’t need to open a program or power up an electronic device, pen and paper might also be quicker than digital note-taking.

Lastly, it also appears that the “pen and paper method” is superior when it comes to retaining new information.

Value outweighing the hassle

There actually isn’t a lot of hassle associated with pen and paper.

Notebooks aren’t overly expensive but if you wanted to save money, you could use scrap paper.

Writing things down is simpler than using a digital app because there’s no learning curve associated with it (if you’re reading this, you should know how to use a pen and paper to write…).

It also doesn’t depend on electricity or a charged device.

Plus, with pen and paper, you avoid the productivity black hole also known as the internet. So, unless you have super-interesting diary entries you can’t stop yourself from revisiting (in which case, good for you!), you’re much less likely to get sidetracked when you physically write things down.

Similarly, you don’t need to worry about future technical progress making it impossible to access old digital notes you took a decade ago.

Unless you live with someone who looks through your stuff, writing things down with paper is also better in terms of privacy.

If you’re now convinced to switch to pen & paper, how can you use this to increase your productivity?

The single thing that will benefit your productivity the most is getting clear about your priorities .

So, at the end of your day, write down your priorities for tomorrow:

What do you have to do tomorrow? (Your must-dos)
Fair warning: people often write a lot of task down into this section that they then don’t end up doing. If you’re not at least 90% confident that you will do this task, it’s not really a must-do, is it?
What would you like to do tomorrow (Your want-dos)
If you’re not near-certain that you will complete this task, you can put it into this category.

You don’t need to list every little thing, just the main points or the things that you need to remember.

Here’s what that can look like:

Must dos:

Meeting with XYZ
Complete Lesson 3 of Course

Want dos:

Reach out to XYZ
Exercise

Notice that I’m using a dot for each task in this example?

If you’ve completed a task, you can change the dot to a star (*). This gives your list a cleaner look than if you just struck something out.

If you haven’t done something, you can change the dot to this symbol (>). This indicates that you’re moving the task to your priority list for the next day.

So, at the end of the day, your list might look like this:

Must dos:

* Call with XYZ
* Complete Lesson 3 of Course

Want dos:

> Reach out to XYZ
* Exercise

In closing

TL;DR: There’s a reason we don’t say: “The digital app is mightier than the sword.”

Unlike digital productivity apps, this app right here→ ��has a long, successful track record.

Throughout history, many legacies have been built on the basis of pen and paper.

(Of course, successful historical usage is not necessarily a great argument in favor of abandoning a more modern approach. After all, many past legacies have been built on the basis of patricide, fratricide and any other -cide you can think of… none of them approaches we’d condone today.)

So, let me rephrase this: chances are that many of the people you most admire (and for good reasons) have built their legacy using pen and paper.

And, quite honestly, if a tool is good enough for Immanuel Kant, Marie Curie, and Martin Luther King Jr.,* I think it should surely be sufficient for the rest of us.

* As a side note: this list is biased towards the Western culture. While we’re all most familiar with our own culture, it’s always good to further expand our perspective.

How to Deal with High Levels of Stress

Mon, 11 Feb 2019 02:25:10 GMT

I guess you could say I know what high levels of stress feel like.

Being a German lawyer, I passed through two grueling official exams that lasted weeks. As an attorney, I worked on multi-billion and -million-dollar cases.

And don’t even get me started on my Ph.D. (I somehow thought that picking a complex topic and then making it even more complex was a good idea…)

But do you want to know about the most stressful time in my life?

It’s when I left all that a few years ago.

That’s right.

I had spent a decade to become an attorney, landed a prestigious, high-paying job in an international law firm, completed a Ph.D. and gotten qualified to be a judge — and then got married with 48-hours advance notice to my boyfriend, moved to another continent and started my own business from scratch.

(And yes, you wouldn’t be the first one to question my sanity. But it actually was a calculated risk I took — or what some people call a “ Yes Yes Hell No” decision .)

Instead of bringing home a big paycheck, during my time of intense transition I suddenly was utterly dependent on my ̶b̶o̶y̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d husband (whom I had never even lived on the same continent with previously) for health care and even for my green card.

Speaking of health care, instead of living in the country with the world’s oldest health insurance system (my native Germany), I suddenly found myself in the US.

(An American acquaintance once said that the US health care system is neither healthy, nor caring, nor a system — and who am I to argue with his assessment?)

While everything turned out fine and I would make the same choice again, both my husband and I are beyond glad that I am past that transitional period.

It was more stressful than any high-stakes legal exam or case could ever be

Typically, when people talk about stress it relates to something they’re doing.

But stress that comes from who we’re becoming is so much more intense.

If we assumed for a moment that insects could experience stress, which experience would be worse?

Being a bee who’s busily moving from one flower to the other — or being the caterpillar who’s falling to pieces in preparation of becoming a butterfly?

I know I’d find it easier to be the bee than the butterfly-in-the-making.

I believe this is not only my subjective experience or preferences.

Case in point: the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory which measures the susceptibility of a stress-induced health breakdown.

It does so by listing life events according to their impact and giving scores for each. For instance, a change in eating habits gets 15 life change units. A change to a different line of work gets 36. A marriage gets 50. And so on and so forth.

Count all of them together for the previous year and we get a rough estimate for how stress might be affecting our health. According to this scale, a score underneath 150 points correlates with only a slight risk of illness.

If I count together all the different life events that happened during my transitional year, my score was well over 300. ��

(For comparison: the death of a spouse is ranked at a 100. That being said, it’s important to remember this score is only measuring stress, not emotional pain. My year was merely intensely stressful, whereas losing someone one loves is an emotionally utterly devastating experience. And of course, I’d pick intense stress over the loss of a loved one any time.)

So given that I have some experience (more than I care to have had, quite frankly!) in dealing with stress, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned.

Here’s what I recommend when it comes to dealing with insane amounts of stress:

1. Avoid it ❌

Seriously, if you can, avoid high levels of stress brought on by too many life changes. A number of stressful life events can be self-initiated ones, such as taking on a mortgage to buy a house or deciding to start a family. I’m not saying to avoid self-initiated life changes, I’m just saying that it might make sense to spread these out, if you can.

Of course, this is not always possible. But if you don’t have to change everything at the same time, don’t. When working with clients, I’d never advise them to do as I did and to change their whole life at once.

Huge change might seem like the fastest course of action but it really isn’t.

That is because you need time to integrate each change. If you proceed to change at a slower rate, you need less integration time. A huge life change, on the other hand, takes a long time to integrate.

2. If you can’t avoid it, have compassion for yourself ��

If it’s not possible to avoid stress from life changes, it’s really important to be compassionate with yourself.

Your stress might come from positive changes (a new job in another city that you wanted) or from tragic ones (like the death of someone you care about). If it’s the latter, my heart goes out to you and I hope that you get the support you need.

If it’s the former, congratulations! Just remember that it’s okay to feel stressed out even if you wanted the change to happen. Self-compassion is always helpful.

3. Get support ��

Get support and lots of it. You may or may not need physical help (such as help with cleaning, moving etc.) but you could likely benefit from emotional support.

As American athlete Terrell Owens put it:

“A lot of emotional stress that people go through, some people figure out a way to handle it. They have a strong enough support system to keep going and keep moving forward. And some people, they feel like they don’t have that outlet.”

In my experience, the most intense stress is not the one that comes from doing but from becoming. From changes in our lives.

There are three things that can help in dealing with this: reducing the intensity by avoiding stressful life changes one can control, having self-compassion and getting external support.

While I didn’t follow #1, the other two were enough to help me get through my transitional period.

Oh, and I’m glad to report that the risk indicated by the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory didn’t manifest itself! ��

Get my free Mini Meditation for Stress Relief:

What You Want to Do Is Secondary to Who You Want to Be

Sat, 26 Jan 2019 05:55:47 GMT

Do you know who you want to be this year? On our side, we've been having more insights about this.

During the last few weeks, I shared my own goals for the year ahead as well as the ones my friend Moe has. (He has given me full permission to share all this with y'all.)

By openly sharing about our own process around these goals, we were hoping to inspire others to think about their own.

Now, if you’ve read my previous posts, we divided our 2019 intentions into Have , Do , and Be Goals — the things we want to have, do or be.

So, how have things been going?

Since I last saw Moe, he was looking to follow through on his Do goal of practicing Aikido, by visiting a Martial Arts Dojo.

Which he has! Yay, Moe!

And here's the proof:

During this experience, Moe remembered why he even wanted to practice Aikido in the first place.

Due to some poor life choices at an earlier age, Moe developed a herniated disc in his neck.

This impacted his confidence and led to him ‘letting go.’ He gained 33 lbs while recovering because he was afraid of hurting himself any further.

It took Moe some time to overcome the fear, and he started walking more frequently as a substitute for the sports he used to practice (Basketball and Soccer).

All that is to say that Moe realized that his Do goal has a lot to do with his Be goal.

He wants to be healthy, he wants to ensure that he puts the work in now, in a disciplined manner, and this is how he clarified his Be Goal.

All our goals are connected, and they all come down to who we want to be

Remember Moe just a little bit ago?

He has now clarified his Be Goal, reinforced his Do , and it all started with his Have Goal, the Aikido suit he wanted. ��

Hopefully, through Moe’s journey, you’ve seen that desires and intentions are fairly holistic, in that they ultimately manifest from what we want to Be.

Similarly, remember my own Do Goal of traveling to Southeast Asia?

I love Southeast Asia (and my not-so-little brother who happens to be working in Malaysia and whom I’d love to see more often) so I have realized that this Do goal relates to my Be Goal of being happy.

So, our question to you is:

Who do you want to be, going forward?

No, really. Take a moment to think about who you want to be .

Right now, there are dozens and dozens of potential Futures Selves that you could grow into.

Some of them are fulfilled, others are unhappy. Some of them feel like they’re on the right path, while others feel trapped. Some of them feel lonely, others feel loved.

Which of your many possible Future Selves are you choosing to aspire to? It’s perhaps the most powerful choice you can make to make 2019 awesome!

How to Create Your Goal Attainment Plan in 4 Simple Steps

Tue, 15 Jan 2019 01:46:32 GMT

It's time to create a goal attainment plan, even if you're still not clear about your goals. Let’s assume that you haven’t yet decided on what you want to do, have, and be this year.

Perhaps it seems too challenging to decide which goals are really worth pursuing . Or maybe what holds you back is that you don’t know how to create a plan for making that happen. ��

That’s okay! I’ll walk you through what my friend Moe did over the last week. Moe’s a self-described “people enabler turned service designer” who moved to Dubai a while ago.

That’s him:

Let’s jump in with Moe right now!

Once you see how easy it is, you can follow along with Moe as he continues shifting from intention to action.

If you remember, last week’s article differentiated between Have , Do , and Be goals. So, here’s what Moe came up with:

Moe’s Have Goal is to purchase an Aikido suit.
Moe’s Do Goal is to practice Aikido.
Moe’s Be Goal is to be a badass (just kidding, we made that one up for him because he needs some time to decide on his Be goals. Our point here is that it’s totally okay to not have everything figured out right now.)

Okay, so far so good. But what do we do with that? It’s time for…

Prompt # 2: Concretize your goals for the year ahead

This week, we'd like to encourage you to concretize your goals for the year ahead.

STEP 1: Pick a Do Goal

Since Have Goals are generally transactional or one-time, we’ll have you (and Moe) pick one goal from the Do side.

Now, one of Moe’s many Do Goals was to practice Aikido. We’ll use that one going forward.

STEP 2: Specify your Do Goal

The first thing we need to specify is whether the goal is a one-off event or an ongoing habit.

For instance, my own Do Goal of traveling to Southeast Asia in 2019 is a one-off event.

Moe’s Do Goal is an ongoing habit. (He doesn’t just want to practice Aikido once and then never again… at least hopefully.)

If it’s an event, decide by when you want to do what.

→ For instance, for me, it could be: “By March 2019, I will have spoken to my parents about when they’re traveling to these countries and I will have looked into flights with my husband.”
If it’s a habit, define how often you want to do it and when you want to start it. If you’re not yet sure how much you want to commit to it, you could specify a smaller commitment.

→ For instance, Moe could put it like this: “I want to visit the dojo* at least three times before I commit to buying a suit, and I will attend a practice session at least three times before I will even let myself entertain the idea of not going anymore.” (* = Aikido training facility)

STEP 3: Specify your Do Goal’s requirements

Next, specify the requirements for making your Do Goal happen.

For instance, reading a book requires you to have a library card (or a Kindle), and the reading (doing) requires that you carve time and space to read. ��

Moe knows that he doesn’t like new situations. To prepare himself for them, he usually absorbs as much information to ensure he’s not at a disadvantage (read: he doesn’t want to look like an idiot).

So here’s what he decided to do:

He’ll watch some YouTube videos to understand the terms.
Moe will also check the schedule for classes that are near his home.
Next, he’ll commit to a date that doesn’t compete with other priorities.
And he’ll attend!

(Now he has to do it since he shared it with all of you! We want photos, Moe!)

STEP 4: Specify which (if any) social support is necessary for achieving your Do Goal

To use Moe’s example, he serendipitously found a dojo in Dubai to practice Aikido in (lucky him!).

Now, all he has to do is ask people he knows whether they already attend the dojo or know anyone that currently attends.

Creating a a goal attainment plan wasn’t so bad, was it?

4 simple steps and the goal was already a bit clearer for Moe, and hopefully for you, too, if you followed along.

Join us again for the next promp t!

Is it Better to Change Yourself or the World?

Thu, 27 Dec 2018 12:41:45 GMT

"In order to change the world, you must first change yourself.”
~ C. JoyBell C.

Let's explore this idea in more depth, starting at the beginning:

You see, I first discovered self-help guru Tony Robbins when I was 16. Before I went on a year-long student exchange on another continent, my father gave me a copy of one of Tony’s books. He thought it could help me in my adventure ahead, and he was right.

I still have the book.

Fast forward many years to spring 2018, where I found myself shaking my head as I watched the video where Tony Robbins argued with event participant Nanine McCool about the #MeToo movement.

Instead of analyzing their interaction, I would like to take the opportunity to discuss a question connected to their exchange.

A question at the heart of the self-help industry. A question at the heart of social movements. And, ultimately, one at the heart of the human existence:

Should you change yourself or the world?

The debate between Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movement

For a deeper look into that question, I imagined a fictional TV debate where two sides (Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movement) are arguing for their point of view. ��

Moderator: “Thank you for taking the time to talk to us today, Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movements. I appreciate that you took the time out of your busy schedules to be with us today. The audience is eagerly awaiting your responses, so let’s begin.”

Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movements nod their assent.

Moderator (turning to Mr. Self Help): “Beginning with you, Ms. Self Help, what would you say? Should I change myself or should I change the world?”

Ms. Self Help: “Well, it’s obvious that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Your attitude towards challenges is the only thing you have control over. So, naturally, you should focus on changing yourself. If you change yourself, you will change the world.”

Clapping from half of the audience. ��

Moderator (turning to Mr. Social Movements): “Mr. Social Movements, the same question to you. Should I change myself or should I change the world?”

Mr. Social Movements: “The society we live in influence how we feel. We’re all interconnected so we can’t be free until everyone is free. So, naturally, we need to focus on changing the world. If we remedy the injustices in the world, everyone can actualize their potential.”

Clapping from the other half of the audience. ��

Interlude

So, who’s right❔

I think they both are right, but not completely so. While what they say is true, each states only a partial truth.

For instance, Ms. Self Help is right in that I can’t really change anyone but myself (and even that can be a challenge).

And Mr. Social Movements is correct in that my society influences how I feel.

Why are they only partially right❔

I believe it is because Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movements are not responding to the most optimal question .

So, I’ll fire the last Moderator, and try again with a different question.

Back to the debate.

The debate between Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movement 2.0

New Moderator: “Mr. Social Movements, would you agree that individuals are part of the world?”

Mr. Social Movements: “Wait, what?”

New Moderator (patiently): “Let’s try that again. Would you agree that individuals are part of the world?”

Mr. Social Movements (unsure): “Ermm, yes, I guess you could say that.”

New Moderator: “So if individuals are part of the world, how can you change the world without changing individuals?”

Mr. Social Movements shrugs his shoulders. ��

Ms. Self Help (perks up): “Exactly! That’s what I’m saying. That’s why I need to change individuals.”

New Moderator (turning to Ms. Self Help): “And you, Ms. Self Help, would you agree that outside conditions have an impact on peoples’ experience?”

Ms. Self Help: “I beg your pardon?” ��

New Moderator (talking slowly): “Would you agree that outside conditions have an impact on peoples’ experience? So, for instance, if we lived in a world where people with red hair, such as yourself, weren’t allowed to leave their houses without permission, would that have an impact on you?”

Ms. Self Help (self-consciously touches her head): “There’s nothing wrong with red hair.”

New Moderator: “I didn’t say there was. I was simply using an example. Can you please just answer the question? Would it impact your life if you lived in such a society?”

Ms. Self Help looks helplessly into the audience.

Mr. Social Movements: “Hell yes it would impact her! But fear not, Ms. Self Help. I’d start a Redhead Liberation Front and we’d make sure your voice could be heard.” ✊

Ms. Self Help (shakily): “That’s very, erm, kind of you.”

New Moderator (clasps hands together): “So, now that we have established that you two need each other, let me ask you another question. How can you contribute your expertise to a joint cause to bring about positive change in the most effective way?”

Ms. Self Help and Mr. Social Movements exchange an unsure glance. ��

Ms. Self Help (straightens her back): “I can help build up peoples’ self-confidence so they find it easier to speak up for their cause. I can stop them from sabotaging themselves so they can bring all their skills and talents to the table.”

Mr. Social Movements (nods): “I can help create the conditions that allow people to self-actualize. I can point out social and systemic patterns that keep people stuck and that they may not even be aware of.”

Ms. Self Help (walks over to Mr. Self Help and stretches out her hand): "Together, we can change the world."

Mr. Social Movements (shakes her hand): “And ourselves.”

So, to answer the question:

Should we change ourselves or the world? Yes!

Finding Inspiration in Human Greatness: Here's How to Do It

Tue, 20 Nov 2018 22:18:58 GMT

Today’s suggestion is about letting yourself be inspired by masterpieces.

What are masterpieces?

Masterpieces are great works of art, literature, and music. They can come in many different shapes and forms, including:

the written word (books, poems etc.)
music
videos (movies, short films etc.)
visual arts (paintings, photography etc.).

I would also include recordings of the spoken word (speeches, spoken poems etc.) in this category.

For this article, I think the main thing that matters is the impact it has on you. Does it take your breath away, bring tears to your eyes or goosebumps to your skin? Does it move you? Does it inspire you? Does it create a shift in you?

If so, let’s call it a masterpiece.

Why are masterpieces so powerful?

In a way, masterpieces stand outside time. They have an ageless quality to them.

As Italian Journalist Italo Calvino put it: “A classic is a book that has never finished saying what it has to say.”

The same could be said of masterpieces. Thus, masterpieces can be recent ( for me, the movie "Cloud Atlas" falls into this category ) or incredibly old. And often, masterpieces get even more powerful as they age.

Take, for instance, the cave paintings in the Cave of Altamira in Spain. The first of these paintings were created around 36,000 years ago.

These paintings are so impressive that, after visiting this site, Pablo Picasso reportedly said: “after Altamira, everything is decadence.”

That’s the power of a masterpiece. From an emotional point of view, a masterpiece transcends time.

Often, masterpieces “channel” a particular energy that we could call the muse.

Where do you find masterpieces?

Masterpieces can be found in many different places, depending on the type you look for.

Many masterpieces can be found in museums or historical sites. Today, many masterpieces are also available to us online, in the form of a picture, an audio or a video recording.

If you have the option of seeing a masterpiece in person or just seeing a copy of it or a virtual depiction of it, go for the real thing.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Make a list of 5 masterpieces that inspire you
For instance: “Beethoven’s Ode to Joy is amazing. I also feel really inspired by Stanley Kubrick’s ‘2001: A Space Odyssey.’ I also remember that I liked Schiller’s ‘The Robbers’ when we read it in school. And Jimi Hendrix’s rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner is incredible. I also just love Sartre’s ‘No Exit.’”
Evaluate your list
As you look over your list, evaluate if it’s a pretty homogeneous one (in terms of time periods, mediums, areas of the world as well as the background of the creator).

For instance: “Hmm, so they are not all from the same time period and I have different mediums represented so there’s some diversity there. While they don’t all have the same nationality, I’m noticing that all the people of my list are from Western countries (Germany, France and the United States), which is probably not that surprising given my own background. Also, all of them are men.”
Diversify your list
Try to make this list as diverse as possible.
For instance: “Coming up with a more diverse list is harder than I thought. Okay, so I can add Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and Rumi’s poems to the list which gives me more diversity in terms of the time periods and the conditions in which these masterpieces were created. I can also add Aretha Franklin, Doris Lessing, and Frida Kahlo to the list so that I don’t only have examples of male creators. Also, let’s add the Cave of Altamira. It’s still a list that’s very Western-centric but I can ask my friends if they can recommend some masterpieces from different cultures to me.”
Pick one masterpiece to explore
For instance: “I think I would like to find out more about the Cave of Altamira and look at pictures of the cave paintings first.”

The idea ��

To connect with your passion and purpose, let yourself be inspired by masterpieces — great works of art, literature, and music.

These masterpieces “channel” a particular energy that has often been called muse, and that you also want to access when working on your own masterpiece.

Here’s How to Expand Your Horizon

Thu, 15 Nov 2018 23:04:44 GMT

Why is it important to expand your horizon? Well, related to my last prompt about expecting to succeed , your ideas of what is possible can hold you back.

For instance, let’s say someone doesn’t expect that it’s possible for them to have a happy relationship (perhaps because they grew up in an emotionally abusive household).

In that case, they might not even look for an emotionally supportive relationship, simply because it does not really seem like an option to them.

The same is true when it comes to creating work you love as well as living your passion and purpose. If you don’t think these things possible for you, this limiting belief might hold you back.

How can you expand your idea of what’s possible?

Reading about how others accomplished something can be a great inspiration for yourself.

You don’t need to look at business exemplars or megastars for inspiration. In fact, some of the most inspirational people may live what seem like relatively normal lives.

If instead, you only look to the (estimated) 0.0000001% of people who work, you might find yourself become discouraged. This just reinforces the conception that a life of purpose only happens for a very limited number of people and that you need to be really rich and famous to feel fulfilled.

Reading about the extraordinary lives of ordinary people can have the opposite effect. It can show you what’s possible for you, and open you up to possibilities you hadn’t considered before.

There are just…

A few things to keep in mind

The reason it’s useful to read biographies of inspiring people is that it can help you open your mind to what’s possible.

However, what you don’t want to do is to get stuck in comparison ( “I should be doing what this person is doing.” ). As the famous quote ( probably not by Oscar Wilde) says: “Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Already Taken.”

Ultimately, you don’t want to copy anybody else’s path but find your own.

Keep in mind these beautiful words by legendary choreographer Martha Graham to her protégé Agnes de Mille:

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.”

If you copy someone else, you deprive the world of your uniqueness.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Make a list of 5 people who inspire you
Bonus points if you don’t pick the “usual suspects” (Steve Jobs etc.). By reading about people that are not that frequently written about, you can expand your horizon further.

For instance: “I’m inspired by Carl von Stauffenberg, the German officer who tried to assassinate Hitler. I also find the late American peace activist Mattie J. T. Stepanek and the late Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl very inspirational. I’m also deeply inspired by the attitude with which Treya Killam Wilber approached her struggle with cancer, as described in the book Grace and Grit. In terms of living people, the Iranian lawyer Shirin Ebadi inspires me.”
Decide which person you’d like to learn more about
For instance: “I think I want to find out more about Carl von Stauffenberg’s life and the lessons from that.”
Brainstorm ways to explore that person’s life
For instance: “There are a number of biographies about his life, so I think I will see if I can find one of them in the library.”
Take action

The idea ��

Your ideas of what you think is possible can hold you back on your journey towards your best possible.

That's why it's so crucial to expand your horizon. By reading about the lives of inspiring people, you can open up your mind to possibilities you hadn’t considered before.

Here's How to Get What You Want

Fri, 02 Nov 2018 23:26:49 GMT

Today, I want to focus on how to get what you want. Let me spell out the secret: C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T.

But first, a brief disclaimer to put this into context:

While "never ever give up" is terrible advice, being a coach has taught me that commitment creates value.

The more committed a client is to the coaching, the more likely that person will get a lot of value out of it. Conversely, if a client isn’t all in, coaching can only take them so far. Of course, the same is true of life in general.

For instance, someone who is more committed to making their marriage work generally has a higher likelihood of finding marital happiness than someone who isn’t even trying.

Commitment helps with:

Persistence

“Motivation is what gets you started. Commitment is what keeps you going.” ~ Jim Rohn

Taking action

“Commitment is an act, not a word.” ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Finding solutions

“When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.” ~ Andy Andrews

For these reasons, commitment is how to get what you want. Just remember to …

Commit to the right things

Persistence and commitment are often seen as a great thing. But they are actually a double-edged sword. In fact, Winston Churchill’s famous quote (“ Never, never, never give up.”) is actually rather incomplete.

Because the truth is that sometimes, giving up is the very.best.thing you can do. For instance, if you are in an abusive relationship, not giving up on that relationship is probably a really, really bad idea.

It would, therefore, be much more precise to say:

Never, never, never give up — unless giving up is the right thing to do.

If giving up on something is the right thing to do, persistence and commitment can become a prison. In that case, persistence can mean that someone isn’t any smarter today than they were yesterday.

If you have any doubts about whether you are committed to the right thing, it probably makes sense to explore this fully before committing at an even deeper level (for instance, by following the guidelines in my article about making the right decision ).

A rule of thumb is that you should think twice before doing something that your intuition feels iffy about.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Rank your current level of commitment
On a scale of 1 (totally disinterested) to 10 (all in), how committed are you to creating the life you really want?
How do you feel about your life?
�� = I’m exactly where I want to be! ( Congratulations. Now, stop reading this article and get back to your fabulous life! )
�� = I sometimes fall off the wagon but I get back on fairly quickly. I’m moving in the right direction.
�� =I’m stagnant. Things aren’t getting any better but at least there’s also not getting any worse.
�� = I’m floundering. These tracks are leading me in the wrong direction.
�� = I’m lost in the metaphorical wilderness and feel like a massive failure. This is clearly not working!
Analyze your results and make a decision
Is there a relationship between your level of commitment and how you feel about your life? If so, is there any decision you want to make, for instance, the decision to become more committed to your goal?
If you made a decision: brainstorm options ��
Let’s say you decided to become more committed. In that case, brainstorm what actions you could take to increase your commitment. These could include: finding an accountability partner, hiring a coach, enrolling in a course, scheduling time in your calendar for your tasks etc.

The idea ��

Commitment can help you get what you really want. If you fully commit to something, you have a much better chance of getting where you want to go than if you don’t.

Is Not Getting What You Want a Wonderful Gift?

Thu, 01 Nov 2018 19:52:31 GMT

Not getting what you want can really, really suck.

For instance, as an Australia-obsessed teenager applying for a year-long exchange program to another country, I didn’t get my first choice.

Instead of finding myself Down Under, I ended up traveling straight across the second largest country in the world. As an exchange student in Canada, I got to experience beautiful nature and kindhearted people. I created memories for a lifetime and amazing friendships, some of which have lasted to this day.

Today, I am beyond grateful that I didn’t get what I wanted.

Of course, gratitude wasn’t my first reaction back then. My first reaction? Huge disappointment — I was a teenager, after all.

I also felt very justified in my disappointment. After all, what I had wanted was to spend a year in Australia — not Canada! I wanted kangaroos, not grizzly bears. The former look a lot cuter, don’t they?

To add insult to injury, I found out that I wouldn’t even stay in a big, interesting city like Toronto, but in a really small town in a small province. As a teenager.

After the first disappointment wore off, I decided to make the best of it.

Something that started as a disappointment became the best year of my life until that point.

Many years later I realized that certain conditions had made this year so special: I was so lucky to stay with people who had hosted dozens of exchange students before. Their expert advice and the community-feel of a small town helped make this year so exceptional for me.

I think that I couldn’t have encountered those exact conditions anywhere else.

True, I did not get to see kangaroos, and instead spent quite a lot of time in ice rinks — but getting my second choice turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I also got to see big, interesting cities like Toronto and NYC along the way.

What I learned from this experience is that one can focus too much on getting what one wants, instead of finding the blessing in not getting it.

When approached consciously, not getting what we want be an art form and an opportunity for growth.

In fact, not getting what one wants can turn into art itself:

Legend has it that Rolling Stones’ singer Mick Jagger once was in a local drugstore in Excelsior, Minnesota, to pick up a prescription. A guy known as Mr. Jimmy was in front of him and ordered a Cherry Coke but the store only had regular one left. Turning to Jagger, Mr. Jimmy uttered “You can’t always get what you want.”

The rest is Rock’n’Roll history.

Listening to the song that came out of this line is a great pick-me-up when I don’t get what I want. If the legend is true, I am grateful that Mr. Jimmy did not get his Cherry Coke that day (sorry, Mr. Jimmy!)— and that he was evolved enough to comment about this situation with such a memorable line.

I think the song’s lyrics nail it. Yes, we may not always get what we want. But when I look back at my life, I can see that I often got exactly why I needed for my growth.

The reason for this? As Kris Gage pointed out, people don’t actually know what they want and their brains can make meaning out of everything.

Depending on our perspective, the same thing can be a disappointment or a blessing. Why not choose the latter?

There is a difference between what we want (or think we want) and what we really want (or need)

In my case, what I really wanted and needed from my exchange year were friendships, amazing experiences, a sense of freedom, support and community.

Because I was unaware of these deeper desires, I instead focused on something secondary — the country I wanted to visit.

Not getting what I consciously wanted (but what really wasn’t so important) freed me to get what I unconsciously wanted (and what actually was important to me).

I later realized that this can be true in many different areas of life, including relationships and work.

I know people who would not be together with their soul mate if they had gotten the “ego mate” they wanted. And I’m aware of others who might not have discovered a sense of purpose in their work if their career had gone the way they had wanted it to go.

Not getting what you want can make your life better, because it opens up space for what you really want (or need) .

While not getting what you want might be a blessing in disguise, it can often take a long time to find the hidden gift in it.

It often helps me to simply be open to the possibility that a disappointment can have undiscovered benefits. Often, this attitude alone can allow you to see the positive sides and make the best of the situation.

And if there really is nothing positive about it? Well, then it might be helpful to remember Marianne Williamson’s words:

“As someone who has faced as much disappointment as most people, I’ve come to trust not that events will always unfold exactly as I want, but that I will be fine either way.”

And the realization that I will be fine either way is, in itself, a huge gift.

A version of this article was originally published at Elephant Journal here and on Be Yourself here .

How to Ask for Feedback–the Right Way

Tue, 30 Oct 2018 17:09:17 GMT

If you want to improve something, it's important to ask for feedback. Others are often able to see you more clearly than you see yourself.

You can use this to your advantage in your quest to connect more strongly with your passion and purpose .

For instance, perhaps you don’t see yourself as a good speaker but your friend Mary reminds you of how you nailed your last speech and how happy you seemed afterward. ��

Or, conversely, you think that music is your calling but your partner points out that, judging by the grumpy expression on your face, you see practicing your instrument as a chore.

Your partner also observes that you will happily do research for your next article — for hours.

So, does that mean that you should ask everyone for feedback?

The short answer is: hell no! ⚠

The slightly longer answer: there are at least two things to consider when you ask for feedback.

The first one is that the person you ask should be generally supportive of your and your goal to find your passion.

The second thing to keep in mind is that generally, a person who is less attached to your particular situation is able to see it more clearly and thus give you more impartial feedback.

A friend has typically invested less time and energy into your career success than a parent or a spouse so they are often less attached.

So, let’s assume you handpicked a few trusted people.

Now,…

Should you accept all feedback that you’re receiving?

Even if you ask people you trust, it’s possible that some (or all) of them suggest something that feels completely ridiculous to you.

Sometimes that is because they correctly observe something that you can’t (yet) see. Other times, they really are completely off.

If you receive feedback that doesn’t make sense to you, your task is to figure out if it falls into the former or the latter category. That’s why it’s really helpful to contemplate the feedback for a while before deciding what to do with it.

Here are questions to consider:

Might it actually be true what this person is saying and I just have a hard time seeing it? Or are they assuming something that simply isn’t true?

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

List 5 people who are on board with your desire to find your passion and purpose.
If you can’t come up with at least 5 people, I would recommend you first explore this prompt .
Out of your list of 5 people, pick 3 people you will ask for feedback.
Generally, it’s helpful to pick the people who know you the best. However, it’s also helpful to have a mix of different relationships.
So, it would be best to not only pick family members to reach out to. Instead, you might pick one family member, one friend, and one colleague.
Decide how you will ask the 3 people for feedback.
You could ask them for a quick call or send them an email. Which one is better? Many people are overwhelmed with emails and might find it hard to give you feedback in writing. So, if possible, it’s better to find a time to talk on the phone.
Decide what you want to ask them.
Questions could include some of the following:
- what do you think I’m good at?
- in your observation, what do I really enjoy doing?
- in your experience, where do I really shine?
Send them an email or text.
If you want to receive feedback via email, you will need to include your questions in that email. If you want to schedule a call with them, you could still include your questions in the email so that they have some time to think about it in advance.

The idea ��

People who know you well might give you great feedback — if you let them.

By choosing a few trusted individuals and asking for their opinion, you might get some ideas you hadn’t even thought of.

Just remember to not take every suggestion at face value. Instead, carefully run all the feedback you received through a filter and decide if it’s true for you or not.

How to Express Love in a Skillful Way

Tue, 23 Oct 2018 22:55:39 GMT

What's a good way to express love? And what isn't?

Picture this scenario:

A man rushes to the airport to pick up his new girlfriend. He stops at a grocery store to buy flowers because he’s been taught that women like to receive flowers.

At the airport, his new girlfriend gets in the car. The man beams at her and tells her: “I got you some flowers.”

His girlfriend responds unenthusiastically: “I actually prefer potted plants. I think it’s a waste to cut down nice flower.” Secretly, she thinks that his attempt to get her flowers shows that he doesn’t know her at all.

Like this man, you might have had experiences when you tried to do something nice for another person and got shut down. If this happened to you, it probably felt disorienting or perhaps even infuriating.

You were just trying to help or do something nice, so why did the other person react like that? And how is it possible that an act of love can backfire so much that it creates tension in the relationship?

Being shut down in this way typically leads to one of two reactions: either one continues doing the same as before (likely with the same dismal results), or one gives up trying to do something nice. Whichever path one chooses, it’s a losing situation and leads to feeling disappointed in relationship .

However, there is a better way to express your love

It requires learning something that our culture doesn’t teach people: how to give love and care in a truly skillful way.

When I first started coaching people, I had to figure out how to offer guidance and support to people in a way that worked for them.

In order to become an effective coach, I needed to learn to express my care for the client in a skillful manner. I discovered that the most important secret to that was to honor the other person’s invitation.

Depending on what the other person actually wanted in that situation, the same advice could be a welcome gift or a total nuisance.

And, even though I first learned about the concept of “honoring invitation” from my work with coaching clients, I soon realized that it applied to all types of relationships.

In any relationship, the most important aspect of giving love and care in a skillful way is learning how to honor other people’s invitation.

Simply put, if a person gives anything (such as advice, a hug, or a gift) that isn’t appreciated, it is often because they have overstepped their loved one’s invitation.

These following four principles can help you to show your love as skillfully as possible.

1. Become aware of the level of invitation

The first step in learning to honor invitation is to become clear on what that means.

Typically, it’s easiest to notice when somebody else has overstepped your own invitation.

Assume, for example, that you are having the.worst.day in a long time and you are now interacting with a friend.

You may want that person to compassionately listen to how you’re feeling. However, you might not want to have your friend try to change your perception, analyze the situation, or get you into a different mood.

In this situation, if someone simply listens to you, that person gives you an invited gift of their time and attention. If they start analyzing the situation, they give you uninvited feedback instead.

When somebody oversteps your invitation, you may feel anger or frustration. You might also not feel heard or seen. Whatever the exact reaction is, it generally doesn’t feel good.

No matter how positive our intentions are, we create a similar reaction in others when we overstep their invitation. ⚠️

2. Ask the other person for permission

The easiest way to make sure your act of love is an invited gift is to ask the other person for permission. While you'll find many general suggestions for how to express love, not all of them might be welcome all the time.

For instance, I sometimes ask both coaching clients and friends or family members: “Would it be okay if I ask you some questions?” or, “Would you like my feedback on this?”

When you do this, it’s important to be non-attached to the answer. When you’re okay with receiving either answer, it gives the other person space to be honest about their feelings. Otherwise, the person may give you the answer they think you want to hear.

If they say “no,” we can simply follow up with another question: “So what could I do that would be helpful for you?” Sometimes the answer can be quite surprising.

3. Ask questions

People often think that it’s important to have the answers. However, great questions are typically much more powerful because they empower people to find their own answer.

I once got to participate in an exercise designed to demonstrate the power of great questions. In this exercise, the only thing we were allowed to do to help someone in our group was to ask them questions.

To make sure the questions were worth asking, we could only speak if it would “improve upon the silence.”

The result was that everybody created unusually deep breakthroughs in a brief period.

What questions are appropriate to ask your loved ones depends on the situation. Generally, you should avoid asking leading questions.

A few examples of potentially helpful questions are: “What would your ideal outcome in this situation look like?” “Have you ever felt this way before, and if so, what did you do to overcome this?” “Is there anything you could learn from this?”

4. Check your perception

People often assume that they know how somebody else is feeling. However, their perception of another person’s inner landscape could be way off. And those false assumptions can then lead to tensions in their relationship.

Thankfully, there is an easy cure for that!

You can repeat back to the other what you heard them say, or what you observed in them. Then you ask if your perception is right. This gives you loved ones the chance to correct you.

To check your understanding of what a friend said, you might ask: “What I heard you say is that you are frustrated because your partner didn’t listen to you when you went on that trip, and you are feeling disrespected because of it. Is that correct?”

If you want to make sure that you observed your loved one’s situation accurately, you can ask: “It seems to me that you are overwhelmed because you are handling a number of projects at work and also need to take care of your parents. Is that true?”

What it really means to express your love in skillful ways

By applying these four simple (not necessarily easy!) principles in your relationships, you can support your loved ones in an even more skillful way than before.

Honoring your loved one’s invitation might mean driving potted plants to the airport, refraining from giving them spot-on advice when they’re in distress or doing other things that don’t necessarily make sense to you.

However, showing your love skillfully means that it isn’t about how you (or some other people) would like to be treated, it’s about how your loved one wants to be treated.

A version of this article was first published on Elephant Journal here .

How to Follow Your Own Path with Confidence

Fri, 19 Oct 2018 20:57:21 GMT

Let's talk about how to follow your own path in life.

Yesterday, I encouraged you to get out of the box . I also mentioned the “paved road” of life and how it differs from the path you create yourself.

This may bring up an important question.

If you create your own path…

How do you know which way to go?

Once we stop following our culture’s “paved road” and explore what we genuinely want, lots of questions emerge.

For instance, can you relate to any of the following?

Should you go back to grad school?
Should you stay in your relationship?
Should you take that job?
Should you apply for that promotion?
Should you get married? Or divorced?
Should you have a kid? Or another kid?

The most refined concept (that’s still user-friendly) I know to find answers to these challenging questions was developed by Dr. Brian Whetten.

It’s called….

Yes Yes Hell No

That may seem like a pretty strange name but if you bear with me for a moment, it should start to make sense.

“Yes Yes Hell No” considers three perspectives when making a decision:

intuition ��
reason ��
fear. ��

Now, the best decisions are those that receive a “Yes, Yes, Hell No” response:

Your intuition lights up (the first “yes”) ✔️
Your reason thinks it makes sense (the second “yes”) ✔️
Your fear tells you to run the other way (the “hell no”) ❌

“Yes, Yes, Hell No” goals are great because they are aligned and get you out of your comfort zone — all while making sense from a rational point of view. Pursuing these types of goals will help you to follow your own path.

Troubleshooting this framework

There are typically two challenges people encounter when they look at decisions through the “Yes Yes Hell No” framework:

They have a hard time noticing what their intuition is suggesting, and/or
their fear is “shouting” so loudly that they find it challenging to hear anything else (such as the quiet “voice” of intuition or the calm suggestions of reason).

Regarding the first challenge, the more often you consult your intuition, the more reliable it will become.

In terms of the second challenge, it generally helps to first listen to your fear as this can help it calm down.

Ye Chen also mentions a helpful distinction about the difference between intuition and fear: “Fear or negative emotion […] can express itself through a physical response such as aggressiveness, sweating, an adrenaline rush, or a racing heart.”

In other words, intuition and reason typically express themselves differently than fear. With practice, it becomes easier to tell these different perspectives apart.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Pick a dilemma you’re currently experiencing
Write down a dilemma situation and be as specific as possible. For instance: “I don’t know whether I should take this new job or not. I will earn a lot less money but it sounds much more exciting than my current job.”
Write down the different options you have
List all the different options you are considering in this situation. For instance: “Option A: I can take that job offer. Option B: I can stay in my current job.”
Consult your fear
On a scale of 1 (no fear at all) to 10 (panic attack!), how much fear does Option A bring up for you? For instance: “If I think about leaving my job, I feel really scared. Maybe that’s an 8 on that scale.”
Consult your intuition
On a scale of 1 (ugh!) to 10 (best.thing.ever!!!), how much does Option A light you up? For instance: “If I imagine walking into my new office each day, I’m so excited. It really makes me happy. I think it’s a 10!”
Consult your reason
Now that you have gotten feedback from your fear and your intuition, allow your reason to bridge the gap between the two. On a scale of 1 (worst.idea.ever!!!) to 10 (totally makes sense), how much does Option A make sense from a rational point? For instance: “So, I’m really scared about earning a lot less money than before but the truth is that I can make that work if I’m being financially prudent. Also, I’ve been considering leaving my current job for a really long time and I will probably always feel scared. Given that I have an offer right now that really appeals to me, I might just as well take the leap now. So, I think my reason is a 9.”
Consolidate all the answers you have gotten for Option A
For instance: “So, my intuition is a 10. That’s the first yes. My reason is a 9, that’s the second yes. My fear is an 8, that’s the hell no. So, I think I have my yes/yes/hell no-decision. I guess that means this would be the best decision for me.”
If you like, repeat the process for the other options
For instance, here’s an abbreviated version of what that could look like: “I feel a bit of fear about turning down the offer and staying in my job. So perhaps my fear is a 4? I don’t feel lit up by the idea, so my intuition is perhaps a 3? And my reason doesn’t think it’s a good idea either, so perhaps a 3 as well? I think that is a no/no/yes. Not very exciting and probably not the best decision I can make.”

The idea ��

If you want to create a life that is in alignment with your purpose and passion, follow your Yes Yes Hell Nos. By consulting your intuition, your reason, and your fear, you can take grounded “leaps of faith” that get you in the right direction.

Why It’s Important to Get out of the Box

Thu, 18 Oct 2018 18:11:48 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to get out of the box. But first, let’s talk about…

What “the box” is

Our box is created by a number of walls, including

our comfort zone ,
our habitual thinking,
our perfectionistic tendencies ,
our conditioning, and
our routines.

Of course, not everybody likes the metaphor of a box.

For instance, Robyn Jane correctly points out that talking about boxes is actually limiting in itself: “Just by thinking outside the box, you recognize the existence of that box. And by acknowledging that there is even a box in the first place, you posit the idea of only two positions: either inside or outside of the box. And by doing so, you’ve already locked yourself into one or the other.”

So, let’s use a different metaphor. Let’s talk about…

Roads and paths

Another way to understand this is that our box is the road that is paved, as opposed to the path we need to forge ourselves.

And, because it is a paved road, it was created for a general public.

It can look like what Morgan Linton describes : “go to a good school, check , […]. Intern at a good company, check , […]. Graduate, check , I was wearing a cap and gown and managed to finish with both University and College honors so was adorned with a tassel and a medal.”

And, there is nothing wrong with paved roads. In some ways, you could say that our civilizations are built on them. Paved roads help us built skills, gain insights, and become productive members of society.

The only challenge with them is this: The paved road takes you to the destination our culture assumes all of us want to get to.

(I mean, really, how can you not want a 4-bedroom house with a white picket fence or whatever your culture’s definition of “the destination” is? *irony off* Not that there is anything wrong with all that if it’s what you actually desire. In that case, go for it!)

Your path

Whereas your path, well, it might lead through the wilderness but it takes you exactly where you want to go. (Just remember to bring bug spray.)

And, because I don’t want to fall into the either-or-thinking Robyn Jane accurately called out, keep in mind that part of your path may actually already be paved.

What you have done in the past probably got you much closer to where you actually want to go.

At the same time, your path is most likely less frequented than the standard route your culture proposes. This brings to mind Robert Frost’s words: “Two roads diverged in a wood and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Jonathan Parker describes “the road less traveled” this way:

“It is the road of determination, not talent…
It is the road of perseverance, not aptitude…
It is the road of delayed gratification, not instant…
It is the road of grit, endurance, courage, and bravery.”

In the midst of all these challenges, your path will still bring you some form of joy and the feeling that you’re on the right track.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down 5 things you routinely do
For instance: “I take a shower while listening to the radio, have a black coffee and then brush my teeth in the morning. I drive to work. At around 12:30, I grab a sandwich from the place next door.”
Brainstorm at least 10 ideas for changing your routine ��
For instance: “While showering, I could listen to classical music or jazz — I’ve never done that before. Instead of drinking black coffee, I could try a tea. Or, I could wait to drink my coffee at work. It sounds kinda gross but I could also put coconut oil in my coffee. I could brush my teeth with my left hand. Instead of driving to work, I could try public transit or maybe even taking the bike. I could have lunch earlier or later. I could also bring lunch from home….”
For the next 5 days, plan to change 1 thing in your routine each day
For instance: “So, I’ll start small and brush my teeth with my left hand tomorrow. The day after, I’ll bring lunch from home. The day after that, I’ll try public transit to get to work. For the two remaining days, I’m off work and I think I’ll experiment with putting coconut oil in my coffee and listening to different music under the shower.”
Go ahead and follow through on your plan

The idea ��

If you want to live your passion and purpose, remember that you’ll generally need to forge your own path — because your passion is rarely in the box. So go get out of the box.

Experiment with things that take you out of your comfort zone, your habitual thinking, your conditioning, and your routines. This can be as simple as switching up your daily habits by, for instance, using your non-dominant hand to brush your teeth or taking a different route to work.

How to Deal with Criticism When You Share Your Work Publicly

Thu, 18 Oct 2018 00:15:36 GMT

Today, I'd like to explore how to deal with criticism when you become more visible .

Here's a question I often hear from clients when they first start, say, blogging about their passion: “I feel really excited about this. But, what if I’m getting criticized by someone? I’m afraid of that happening.”

When they bring up that concern, I like to point out…

Two things

1. What to keep in mind about criticism

Let's say you first start out as a writer. Unless you write about super-controversial topics, you likely won’t receive a lot of criticism of your writing — or any type of feedback, really. That is because at first, not a lot of people see your work. �� In that sense, getting criticized can actually be a sign that you’re starting to reach more people.

Getting criticized can also mean that you have found your voice and that you have stopped playing it overly safe. This is a viewpoint shared by many, many authors!

For instance, Cole Schafer puts it this way: “Many of us live in hopes to create art that receives 100% approval, and what we create isn’t art, but instead something very empty.”

A.J. Juliani points out that “when you take risks, criticism will follow. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that if no one is criticizing your work, then it might not be worth it.”

And, according to Anthony Moore, a lack of critics can be a sign of the following: “ Your message probably isn’t focused enough. You’re probably still operating out of fear, not confidence.”

So, as long as you also have people who love what you’re creating, criticism can actually be a good thing.

The last thing to keep in mind about criticism is that it’s just part of the game. As Mayo Oshin points out : “Till date, no human being or great piece of work has escaped criticism and hateful comments. For example, one of the most popular self-improvement books of all time, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, has accumulated close to 425 negative reviews and comments on Amazon alone (that’s 10% of it’s total reviews!).”

2. What to keep in mind about the critic

I also like to share with them Brené Brown ’s quote about critics: “If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

(By the way, I never thought about it before, but maybe that would be a great copy-and-paste reply to insulting comments? If you ever try this out, please comment below and tell me how it went. I’d love to know.)

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Pick one thing you’d like to get feedback on
Ideally, pick something that you’re at least a bit afraid to share with others. For instance: “I’d like to get feedback on the short video I recorded before sharing it publicly. And, because it’s my first video, I’m kinda scared.”
Brainstorm 5 people you could ask for feedback
For instance: “So, I actually know a lot of people who have experience with video. Paula is super-professional with it. Dirk, Nadine, and Craig are also pretty good with it. And, I can always ask my business coach Estelle. There, I already have my list!”
Pick 2 (or more) people to reach out to
Take a look at your list and decide whom to ask for feedback. Put an asterisk (*) behind their names. For instance: “Dirk is typically rather blunt with his feedback so I don’t want to start by asking him. And, Paula would be great but I know she has way too much to do right now. So, that leaves Nadine, Craig, and my business coach Estelle. I think I can write to all of them.”
Decide if you want to ask for gentle or blunt feedback
For instance: “Since this is my first video, I’m not ready for blunt feedback yet. I think that might discourage me at this point. So, I’ll tell them that I’m just getting started so I’d love it if they could give me gentle feedback and also tell me what they like about the video.”
Decide if you want general feedback or specific feedback
If you want general feedback, you could ask: “What are your improvement suggestions?” If you want specific feedback, it could look like that: “Do you have any suggestions for connecting more strongly to the audience?”
Take action and follow through on your plan by reaching out to the people you picked

The idea��

If you are sharing your passion and purpose publicly, consider your relationship to criticism and explore how to deal with criticism in a way that works for you.

Allow yourself to receive constructive feedback from others that can help you become better while disregarding those who only want to discourage you without also putting in the work.

In closing, I’d like to share what Stephen Brewster wrote about getting criticized as an artist. His insights also apply to any other pieces of work: “ YOU ARE NOT YOUR ART! You are an artist but your identity is not found in what you make but in who you are becoming.”

The Joy of What We Really Want to Do (and Be)

Wed, 17 Oct 2018 00:17:12 GMT

If you are aware enough

of your own Self (and if you weren’t, what on Earth would have brought you to my writing?), you might have realized that there are

things you want to do, and
things you Really.Want.To.Do (RWTD)❕❕❕

For instance, when I first wrote this many years ago, I wanted to watch the next “Sherlock” episode. ��

But what I Really.Wanted.To.Do back then (and what I still RWTD) is to serve in a way that feels good for me, to help others, to write, and to develop my teachings.

And guess which one has brought up more inner resistance and fear?

Until we have cleared our resistance to expressing what really brings us alive, what genuinely lights up our souls can also be what we most shy away from.

What we are afraid off.

And why?

Because they actually matter to the deepest, truest dimension of ourselves.

Of course, not everything we are afraid is an expression of our deepest essence — but if in the midst of it there is a very, very, very quiet voice that also happens to be deeply connected to your heart, you might be on to something.

Listening to this voice might bring up a deep feeling of vulnerability.

And, unless you have had the luck �� of having been born karma-free and into a society that deeply values the unique contributions you bring into the world (in which case I would ask you to leave a comment with the name of that place so I can relocate…) , how could it not?

There is nothing wrong with you if you question yourself and hesitate.

There is nothing wrong with you if you are sitting on the edge of the cliff, staring into the clear blue water of your own essence, not yet daring to take the jump. ��

The key word in the last sentence is yet.

There is a beauty in those moments of trepidation.

And, you already climbed up the entire cliff. ��

Call to Action

No, I’m not going to suggest that you’re taking the metaphorical cliff-jump. (I personally think jumping off cliffs, even metaphorical ones, is pretty reckless.)

Instead, and only if you feel called, I invite you to check out my 1-on-1 coaching services.

I can help you the cliff-jump into a leap of faith your reason approves of.

Yes, that’s a tall order. But, isn’t it worth a try?

None of this is for the faint of heart. It isn’t for the ones who easily get discouraged (unless they just as easily regain their courage).

This is for the ones who are ready.

If this is you, check it out here .

Be Seen for What You Bring to the World

Tue, 16 Oct 2018 00:10:31 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to be seen in the expression of your passion and purpose . Depending on your personality, that might be something you typically shy away from.

So, let's look at...

Why visibility is important

First, allow me to define what I mean by visibility in the context of this post. So often, both the online and offline space can take on the energy of a popularity contest that emotionally takes us back to high school.

Ugh!

Does “being visible” mean that one has to become a social media #influencer or a mini-celebrity? ��Or is there perhaps another, more meaningful way to define this?

I very much like the way Beth Buelow , PCC understands visibility:

“I don’t mean paparazzi outside your door or people tracking you down for an autograph. And I don’t even mean being recognized by strangers when you walk down the street. It’s about being visible — seen, heard, known — in service to your message and purpose.”

To me, that’s it!

Being visible is all about having your message be seen and heard, even if it’s just a few people, to begin with.

What it’s really about

Winnie Lim wrote a really thought-inspiring article about visibility which mentions the book Invisibles: The Power of Anonymous Work in an Age of Relentless Self-Promotion by David Zweig.

This book highlights people who deliberately do not want to be in the spotlight, including the lead structural engineer for the tallest skyscraper in China, Radiohead’s chief guitar technician and a UN interpreter.

As Winnie explains:

“Being invisible wasn’t just about running away from the spotlight, but it was a crucial aspect to the success of their work, their cherished identities, their devotion to the work and people they support.”

What I love about this is that for these people, invisibility is actually a crucial component of being of service . With a structural engineer, a guitar technician or an interpreter, invisibility is actually a sign that they’re doing a great job.

And yet, despite their personal invisibility, their message still gets seen and heard — in skyscrapers, songs, and closed-door UN meetings.

In other words, visibility doesn’t have to be about you. It can be about whatever you’re in service to.

In other words, while you should let people see and hear what you bring to the world, being personally visible can be optional or contraindicated. Depending on your passion and purpose, personal visibility may be helpful or detrimental.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Brainstorm 3 things you could do to be seen more fully ��
For instance: “I could share my latest blog post on Social Media. I could start a Podcast. I could give a talk and invite people I know and share the event on Eventbrite.”
Decide on 1 thing that you will get started on in the next week
For instance: “Well, the easiest would be to just share my latest Blog Post on Social Media. This is also something I can do right now so I'll choose that.”
If necessary, make a plan for how you will get your chosen task done
For instance: “I have 3 Social Media profiles where I can share my blog post. Sharing on Twitter and Facebook is easy, I'll just share the link as it is and write an intro. For Instagram, I'll find a nice picture today and put the link to my article in the bio.”
Go ahead and follow through on your plan

The idea��

If you have found something that you love to do, find a way to let that be seen and heard.

In addition to letting your work be seen and heard, you might also have to become more personally visible to be of service to others. This may require you to work through whichever emotions come up for you around being visible so you can be confident and shine without shame. ��

Below, you'll find a conversation I hosted about that topic. While the conversation itself revolved around women's self esteem and confidence, I believe the lesson in this video apply to everyone, regardless of gender.

Helping Others Is the Secret to Work That Matters

Thu, 11 Oct 2018 14:25:38 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to focus on helping others.

Related to my last prompt about using the triple bottom line , explore how your passion and purpose can benefit others.

Why is this important?

There are many benefits associated with helping others. For instance, the study I mentioned in yesterday’s article

“suggest that compassionate goals contribute to decreased distress because they provide meaning and increase support given to others.”

Medium writer Kelsey Luke has gathered an impressive list of the health benefits associated with volunteering, including the following:

“A study of Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) found that people who provided service to others had a lower mortality rate than those who did not. Long-term volunteers tend to live longer lives than those who do not volunteer regularly.”

Now,…

Is there a way to be of service (❤️) while getting paid (��)?

While volunteering can be an extremely valuable activity, it isn’t the only way to be of service and to help others. In an ideal scenario, a large fraction of everyone’s work time would be spent with activities that are of benefit to others.

As I wrote in a previous article about my favorite inspirational work quotes ,

I believe that work and love are, or should be, interrelated.

(Side note: I think in this context, the words “service” and “love” pretty much mean the same thing.)

This sentiment has been beautifully expressed in one of Khalil Gibran ’s poems:

“Work is love made visible.”

Through bringing work and love together, we as a culture can move out of what I call...

The money-or-meaning dilemma

Here’s how this dilemma might express itself in your own life:

When you are stuck in this dilemma, it feels like you need to choose between safe, but unfulfilling work or doing what you love, but being financially precarious.

The money-or-meaning dilemma is a deeply seated belief — but that doesn’t make it true.

For instance, it is heartening to see that more and more companies are finding a way to both make money and make a difference. For instance, B Lab certifies companies that use business to solve social and environmental problems as B Corporations .

Something similar is possible on the individual level. And, the first step is to…

Start to serve — no matter what you do

TL;DR : We often derive our deepest satisfaction and fulfillment from what we can contribute to others. And ultimately, a passion that is not serving others in some way is meaningless.

As Martin Luther King Jr. put it: “Everybody can be great because anyone can serve.”

With all that being said, let’s move on to ...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Make a list of 3 people you could help
For instance: “I could help Anna feel less stressed about her current work situation. I could offer Mark help with clarifying his services and his pricing. I could help Frieda get her blog started.
Decide which person to reach out to
For instance: “I think I will reach out to Mark. He could really use some help with this and I feel most comfortable reaching out to him."
Decide how you'll reach out to that person and offer your help
For instance: “I'll see him at our course meeting next week so I can talk to him then."
Take action

The idea��

If you have found something that you love to do, find a way to do that while helping others.

For instance, if you love to make music, you might decide that you would like to inspire your audience through your songs.

Or, if you are a grammar nerd, you can use your editing skills to help others shine in their writing (such as my friend Pavita from pav EDIT a — whom I didn’t ask to proofread this particular article so all grammar mistakes are mine).

How to Charge up Your Passion with the Triple Bottom Line

Tue, 09 Oct 2018 22:51:56 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to apply the tripe bottom line to your passion. This will help you create better goals and might even make you happier! Woohoo!

But first,…

What the heck is the triple bottom line?

In this post, the “triple bottom line” relates to a concept that I first heard from author and speaker Dawn Clark .

To me, it seems like a super-simplified, individualized version of the accounting framework with the same name. The phrase “triple bottom line” was coined in 1994 by business writer John Elkington who recently proposed to fine-tune it. (You can read more about this in this article .)

A Medium writer describes the “triple bottom line” as

“a framework for looking at a business’ output (for example, their net profit) with three lenses: social, environmental and financial. To put it in a more catchy way, to evaluate a business’ success by 3 bottom lines: ‘profit, people, and planet.’”

Now, you might find yourself wondering…

What the triple bottom line has to do with your personal life

In your personal life, the “triple bottom line” test reminds you to look at three different levels to create balanced life goals. This helps you exercise your passion in the most beneficial way.

Simply put, whatever you want to do, ask yourself if it’s

- good for you,

- good for others, and

- good for the world. ��

By keeping both your interests and the whole in mind, you can ensure that you do not choose to exercise your passion in a way that is good for those around you but not good for you .

(For example, if you love helping others with their finances, you might continue to do that without ever asking for any compensation. Depending on the situation, this might be good for others but not good for yourself.)

You also make sure that you do not pursue your passion for primarily egotistical reasons.

Why is this important?

While using our limited life time in this way is important for many reasons, it even makes sense from a purely egotistical perspective. According to a study , compassionate goals, unlike self-centered goals, predict reduced distress in individuals and create a virtuous cycle of support.

With all that being said, let's move on to...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Pick one of your goals
For instance: “My goal is to have 500 followers on Medium."
Answer this question: "How is reaching this goal good for me?"
For instance: “I would feel better about my own success as a writer. I would earn more from Medium's Partnership program. More people would find out about the work I do."
Answer this question: "How is reaching this goal good for those around me?"
For instance: “My partner would be proud of me and happy for me. I could better help my friends to also be successful on Medium."
Answer this question: "How is reaching this goal good for the world?"
For instance: “More people would see my articles which might inspire them to create positive change in their lives."

The idea��

If you have found something that lights you up , ask yourself if (and how) you can exercise it in a way that is good for you, good for others and good for the world.

Note Making: What's the Best Method for You?

Mon, 08 Oct 2018 22:28:16 GMT

Note making is important in life , not just in school. After encouraging you to notice what lights you up in my last post, today I'd like to encourage you to keep a record of what comes up for you.

This is important because...

Keeping notes helps you remember your insights

Have you ever woken up from a dream that seemed very vivid?��And the next day, you remember precisely nothing about it anymore?

Insights can be similar to dreams in that regard. They tend to disappear quickly if you don’t record them as they come up.

The solution to that is simple: keep track of your insights through note taking and note making . So, how should you do it?

Well, you can…

Go traditional with pen and paper

Advantages of this method:

doesn’t depend on having electricity or a charged device,
is more “hands-on” than other forms of note-taking,
is simpler than digital note-taking (no learning curve with a new app or software),
you don’t need to worry about future technical progress making it impossible to access old digital notes you took a decade ago,
might be quicker than digital note-taking (you don’t need to open a program or power up an electronic device),
probably better in terms of privacy (as long as you don’t live with someone who snoops through your stuff),
might be superior in terms of retention of new information,
works better during digital breaks than digital note-taking,
unlike digital note-taking, the "pen and paper method" has a long, successful track record.

Personally, I prefer this method. Pen and paper is my favorite "productivity app."

I agree with Andrew Merle who states in his article about note-taking habits: “I find that this method helps me focus and absorb the most important information, even if I sacrifice some speed and efficiency along the way.”

→ As a side note: depending on your goals with note-taking, you might want to get unlined paper. According to a friend of mine, Michelle James of the Center for Creative Emergence , unlined paper helps foster creativity.

Go digital

Advantages of going digital:

depending on the chosen method, it is often easier to record long passages digitally than to write them out by hand,
if your hand-writing is really bad, it is easier to read typed passages (*coughs* chicken scratch *coughs*),
if you type your insights, you can easily search your digital records for a specific keyword,
for some things (such as keeping track of song ideas) voice recording is more appropriate than pen and paper, ��
some people find it easier or more fun to record their voice (rather than writing),
if you use an electronic device you already have, digital note-taking is probably more environmentally friendly than using paper (although the situation is not quite as simple as it may look),
you can easily backup your notes so that they are safe even if you lose your device and you can also print them out if you want a physical copy,
if you record on a device you typically carry around with you anyway (such as a phone), you don’t need to worry about bringing additional items with you.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Take a moment to reflect on your experience with note-taking and what has worked for you in the past
For instance: “Hmm. So, I’ve tried both forms of taking notes. I tend to be more consistent when I’m using pen and paper. I think my only challenge with that is when I don’t write in one notebook and instead have a bunch of different papers flying around. Then it gets chaotic.”
Decide how you’re going to take notes going forward
You might want to only use digital note-taking, or only pen and paper, or a combination of both depending on the subject area. You can change this later if you like. That said, it would be good to give yourself some time (at least a month) to explore the system you have decided on.

For instance: “For information that I find online that I want to retain, I will save it all in one Word document. That way, I can simply copy and paste it. I will write down everything else (for instance, my insights or thoughts about something) in my journal.”
Decide if there’s something you need to do before getting started
In order to get started, you might have to buy a journal or download an app.

For instance: “I already have a journal so I don’t need to buy anything else. But, I can create the Word document now just so I have it for when I find something I want to keep.”

The idea ��

If you find it hard to connect to your passion and purpose , begin to record your insights about what lights you up. This will help you gather more information on what you feel passionate about.

Depending on what you write down, you can also reap other benefits. For instance, I absolutely love what Jane Harkness wrote here : “Reading your old journals will allow you to see the world through the eyes of your former self again, to understand exactly who you were and what you were feeling during those days.”

For your note-taking, you can either use a digital device such as your cell phone, or a notebook and pen.

How to Set Boundaries with This Magic Word

Mon, 08 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

If you want to set boundaries, you need to know how the whole miraculous process works.

Now, I don’t believe in magic pills, hype-y solutions or cookie-cutter formulas.

But I think I recently managed to identify the closest thing to a magic pill (hooray!)

It’s the solution to a lot of challenges I see clients struggle with (stress, lack of focus, overwhelm…).

Not only that, it may well be the first step to most things you want in life.

And while it’s not exactly easy, it’s so simple that even a two-year-old can do it.

Especially a two-year-old!

Ready?

It's actually a magic word.

No, it’s not Abracadabra.

It’s much easier to pronounce.

The magic word that helps you set boundaries is:

no!

(Or “non,” “nein” or whatever the equivalent is in the language you most often use.)

That’s right.

“No” is the closest thing to a magic pill I’m aware of.

Do you want to be super-productive at work?
Begin by saying “no” to the things that are wasting your time. (Of course, avoiding all of them is often not possible but even a little can go a long way.)

Do you want to start a new business?
Begin by saying “no” to the things that take up your time and distract you from focusing on it. (This could include Social Media etc.)

Do you want to find the right person to be with?
Begin by saying “no” to the wrong people. (This may first require figuring out how to tell what category someone falls into.)

You might wonder what makes the word “no” so powerful.

I think it is because it’s connected to priorities. By consciously saying “yes” and “no,” you can build a life based on your priorities.

Maybe you'd like to hear a bit more about why priorities are so crucial.

Well, today, many people have more freedom than at any other time in history—both in their personal and professional life. However, if you have an overwhelming number of options and no idea which one to choose, freedom of choice turns into a prison. True freedom comes from being clear on your priorities in life.

That's why priorities are one of the three key principles behind my work.

The bottom line?

Your “no” protects your “yes.” By saying no to what matters less, you make space for what matters most.

For more of my thoughts on this topic and practical advice for getting better at saying no, watch this video.

(There's also a Podcast version of "Saying No: Why It's Hard & How to Get Better" if you'd prefer to listen to this while exercising or commuting.)

Why Should You Pay Attention to What Excites You?

Fri, 05 Oct 2018 22:03:45 GMT

Do you know for sure what excites you? Today, I’d like to encourage you to take note of everything that lights you up.

So, let’s look at…

What this feeling has to do with finding your passion

In addition to feeling like play , your passion also tends to light you up. While “follow your passion” can seem like elusive advice, many people find it easier to answer related questions, such as:

What excites you?
What makes you feel alive?
What energizes you?

Maiko Sakai mentioned another great question to me that we can add to the mix: "What makes you forget time?"

Different ways of phrasing what is essentially the same thing work for different people. That's why it makes sense to see which questions you can answer more easily than the dreaded: "So, what's your passion?"

For instance, as Tobias van Schneider explains : “Today I ask myself a new question: What excites me? What excites you? Personally, I find this question way easier to answer than trying to nail down my one and only passion.”

Maybe the reason someone is having a hard time finding their passion is that for them, “What is my passion?” is just not the best question to ask?

So, maybe we should all take a page out of The Door’s book and focus on what lights us on fire?��

Apart from self-exploration,…

This question can also be useful in other contexts

Neither we nor our passion and purpose exists in a vacuum. So, it can also be interesting to ask other people variations of this question (“What excites you?/What lights you up?/What energizes you?” or "What do you care about?/What’s important to you?”).

Here are just some of the times when you can experiment with this:

When you first meet someone
As many people have pointed out, there are better questions we can ask someone we have just met than the typical “What do you do?” So, why not instead inquire: “What excites you?”
When you start collaborating with someone
I just did this today in a discussion with two people I might collaborate with. Asking this question helped us get clearer on what was important to each of us in the joint project we were considering.
When you want to understand someone you know better
The two people I just mentioned are actually friends of mine so I already know them fairly well. And yet, the simple question I asked (and, more importantly, their answer) still allowed me to understand them more deeply.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down 1-3 activities that excite you
Ask yourself “What excites me?/What lights me up?/What energizes me?” and write down your answers.
For instance: “I feel a lot of energy when I’m helping someone solve a problem. I also feel excited when I get to write.”
Write down 1–3 things that you care about
Ask yourself “What do I care about?” or “What is important to me?” and write down your answers.
For instance: “I really care about environmental sustainability. I also care about justice and fairness. And, I really care about animal rights.”
Reflect on your answers to these 2 questions
The first question is more connected to your passion, whereas the second question points you towards your purpose (there's a difference between passion and purpose ). Was it easier to answer one of these questions?

For instance: “Hmm, I notice that my answers to the first question are more related to something I do, whereas my answers to the second one are related to topics I care about. That’s interesting to notice. I also think it was easier for me to answer the second question.”
Bonus: Ask at least one person a variation of this question (“What excites you ?/What lights you up?/What energizes you?”) or “What do you care about? What’s important to you?”)

The idea ��

If you find it hard to connect to your passion and purpose, begin to take note of everything that lights you up. This will help you gather more information on what you feel passionate about.

Playing for Adults: Why It's so Important for a Good Life

Thu, 04 Oct 2018 23:13:58 GMT

Let's talk about what playing for adults is. Basically, it's that fun thing we all did as kids and then forgot to do!

Today, I'd like to encourage you to start playing again. By that I mean the Oxford Dictionaries definition of play as engaging

“in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.”

If we define play as something that isn’t done for a practical purpose, this brings up the question:

Why is play important?

As Floris Koot explains in his article about the importance of play , humans (like other mammals) learn through playing: “When children play tag, the simplest game ever, they learn so much at the same time: hunting and being hunted, (dealing with) winning and losing, motoric skills, fairness within the group, collaboration, how to improve the game when it gets boring, social patterns, leading and following, creativity, presence of mind, being present in the body and probably more.”

Given all this, we can assume that play is important for children’s wellbeing. Medium's largest publication (The Mission) has, through of an article by Peter Gray, drawn attention to the decline of play and rise in children’s mental disorders .

At the same time, play is not just for children but also benefit adults.

For instance, the data in a paper out of Michigan State University suggests that there is a “very significant relationship between success as a scientist and evidence of adult arts and crafts avocations.”

According to the data presented in this paper, Nobel Prize winners are almost three times as likely to have these avocations as the US general public.

Given this correlation and the importance of play when it comes to learning, could play also be important in other endeavors?

Let’s explore…

The connection between your passion and play

Your passion will generally feel to you like something you enjoy doing and that you would do even if you weren’t getting paid for it. Sounds suspiciously like how children feel about play, doesn’t it?

Here’s the thing: your passion will feel like play to you. Like something you do just for the sake of doing it.

How then, could you find your passion if you don’t give yourself time to play?

You can’t. So, give yourself time to play (= to do something for the enjoyment of it).

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

To put this into practice, go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Get your calendar
It doesn’t matter if your calendar is in a digital or in a physical format. (Seriously, just do it. If you have the time to read this article, you have the time to get your calendar.)
Schedule one hour of uninterrupted “play time" in your calendar
Once you find an open one-hour slot at a convenient time, block it off.
Observe the following “rules” for the “play time” slot in your calendar
- Set a timer for 55 minutes.
- For your “play time,” do something you like to do without paying attention to the outcome. For instance, if you decide to paint, don’t worry about how the painting looks like. Simply enjoy the process.
- Stay away from digital devices. Reading something on the internet or watching something on Netflix doesn’t count as play time
- If you don’t know what you’d like to do, simply observe your thoughts and feelings until you come up with an idea of what you’d like to do.
- Once the timer goes off, you can either choose to continue (if you have the time) or stop.
To complete your “play time,” take a moment to reflect on how the process was for you
For instance, was it enjoyable? Weird? Did you have a hard time finding something to do? Do you feel more relaxed than before?
Decide if you’d like to do this again
If so, schedule another “play time” appointment with yourself.
Congratulate yourself on a job well done! ��

The idea ��

It's hard to underestimate the importance of playing for adults. Just like kids, grown-ups benefit from this fun activity, too.

If you find it hard to connect to your passion and purpose , set aside some time each week to play. Simply do something that you love doing without expecting any results from it.

Look for What You Love More Than You Fear Failure

Wed, 03 Oct 2018 23:31:08 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to connect with your passion and purpose by exploring what you love more than you fear failure.

This advice is based on…

The TED talk “Success, failure and the drive to keep creating”

In this talk, bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert talks about finding the motivation to write another book after her über-successful work Eat, Pray, Love.

As she explains, the book’s incredible success came with its own set of challenges.

Elizabeth Gilbert mentions that she knew prior to getting started that her new work would disappoint fans of Eat, Pray, Love and that she basically had no way to win.

Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to replicate the novel’s success meant that she either had to stop doing what she loved so much (writing) or find a way to continue creating despite “the inevitable negative outcome” she was expecting.

It is a tough choice.

So how did Elizabeth Gilbert find a way to move forward? In her talk, she reveals…

The secret to continuing to create, no matter what

As Elizabeth Gilbert explains, great success and great failure come with similar challenges. She points out that while success and failure are seen differently in our culture (as good and as bad, respectively), “your subconscious is completely incapable of discerning the difference between bad and good.”

She also states that “there’s a real equal danger in both cases of getting lost out there in the hinterlands of the psyche.”

Elizabeth Gilbert proceeds to explain that the challenges of great success and great failure both require the same remedy, which is to get back to what you love more than you hate failing… and to just keep at it.

So, she got through the challenges of success the same way that she got through the ones created by failure — by continuing to write.

It is a beautiful talk and I would encourage you to watch it. However, a brief word of caution: this talk makes it seem as if everyone has one main passion. However, as Elizabeth Gilbert herself explained with her distinction between jackhammers and hummingbirds (it makes sense in context...), this is not the case.

Since you may have more than one passion, let me put the question this way: “What is something that you care about so much that you would be willing to fail at it?”

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down 3 things you’ve failed at
We don’t talk enough about failure, even though it’s close to impossible to experience success without also enduring failure. Start normalizing failure by brainstorming at least 3 things you’ve failed at.

For instance: “When I ran for class speaker in first or second grade, I failed at that. I also failed when I had band practice with these people I found through an ad. I was so nervous that I did a really bad job. Also, when I made the short film that was shown on a big screen I feel like I failed because it was much worse than the other films and because the audio was completely off.”
Write down how you felt about these failures
For instance: “Not being elected as the class speaker was a really painful experience. With regard to the band practice, I’m still cringing when I think about that. Yuck! And I felt really bad when I only noticed the film’s audio problems when it was shown in front of an audience and then, after all that, I had to come up on stage with all the other people who had directed a movie and had done a much better job than me. I just wanted to disappear.”
Write down how these failures influenced how you view yourself or your behavior
For instance: “After not being elected as the class speaker as a child, I don’t think I tried to run again for something like this. So that really had an impact on me. The band practice was really bad but I tried again and actually found a great person to create music with. And, it was so much fun and I liked what we created. So, it was actually great that I kept going despite the discouragement. In terms of the film, I felt like I wasn’t talented as a director and I think I stopped making films after that.”
Write down how it feels to reflect on these failures
For instance: “Hmm, I think writing this down gives me more distance. I don’t feel like these failures have as much power over me anymore. It feels like I’m taking my power back by writing about them. I also feel like I drew some wrong conclusions from some of these things. Today, if I still wanted to do these things, I’d just continue going despite these failures. I think there’s something I can learn from this about my present failures, too. Such as to simply keep going despite failures.”
Bonus: Share your failures with at least one person and have fun with a “bragging competition” about your failures ��
For instance: “I failed so much better than you! When I ran for class speaker, literally the only person who voted for me was my boyfriend. Try and beat that! And, really, can you compete with the embarrassment of having to watch a trainwreck of a film you’re responsible for in front of an audience and people who actually know how to make a good film? I didn’t think so! Clearly, I have failed more and harder than you.”

The idea ��

If you find it hard to connect to your passion and purpose , look for something in your life that is so important to you that you are willing to fail at it — because the alternative (not doing it at all) would be too painful. What do you love more than you fear failure?

Also, get more comfortable with failure. As Michael Jordan put it: “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.”

You Don't Need to Be Feeling Ready

Tue, 02 Oct 2018 18:57:39 GMT

I’d like to encourage you to let go of the idea that feeling ready is important.

Yes, there may be an amount of necessary preparation. At the same time, it’s helpful to realize that you don’t need to be fearless and “ready" to find your passion — or to do anything else, for that matter.

For instance, here’s just a short list of a few of the things I didn't feel ready for:

I was not ready to study law at a Spanish university without really speaking the language at first. I was not ready to get married in another country with less than 48 hours advance notice. I was not ready to defend my doctoral thesis with a crimson-red face and while in pain thanks to my first-ever allergic reaction to a face cream I had tried.

Spoiler alert: I did them and survived. �� In this short video, I share a piece of advice that has really helped me to do things outside of my comfort zone:

Why do we still insist on needing to feel ready for something?

I believe we strive to feel ready for something because we don’t like the vulnerability that comes with the unknown. With being outside our comfort zone and outside of our area of expertise.

And yet, vulnerability is amazing.

As Charlie Scaturro points out : “If we consider the most powerful and beautiful moments of our lives, they were probably rooted in vulnerability.”

Tony Fahkry calls vulnerability “an act of courage” and writes: “It is within the unknown where your greatest potential lies.”

While vulnerability takes many forms (such as practicing emotional openness in relationships), one way of cultivating it is through…

Daring to suck (in creative endeavors)

In an article, writer Matthew Trinetti talks about the myth “of the fearless entrepreneur or corporate escapee having it ‘all figured out’ before they started.”

He concludes: “Here’s a secret: they didn’t. Here’s another: they still don’t.”

(Side note: I love this! ��)

He also mentions a talk that Reddit.com co-founder Alexis Ohanian concluded with: “Sucking is the first step to being sorta good at something.”

This reminds me of an experience I had where I did something I was absolutely terrified to do (impromptu singing in front of professional musicians who’ve opened for Pink). ��

After being encouraged to dare to suck, here’s what happened: I actually did better when I “dared to suck” than when I tried to do a good job.

Basically, daring to suck = daring to do something despite not feeling ready to do so.

So, let’s talk about...

The power of starting before you feel ready

Writer Benjamin P. Hardy tells the story of a musician called John Burke who wrote an extremely fast song called Earth Breaker: “He wrote a song he could not play. After enough practice, he was able to master the sequence of notes at increasing speeds.”

I think this story is amazing and an example of the magic that can happen if you stretch and dare to suck by doing something you’re not ready for.

It also makes me wonder what each of us would be capable of if we consistently applied this approach?

So, instead of being ready, let’s…

Instead of trying to feel ready, work on being prepared

As I wrote previously, there’s a subtle difference between being ready and being prepared .

Being prepared: this refers to taking all the preparatory actions (often physical or mental) to put you in the best possible situation before taking a big step. ✅
Being ready: this describes a sense of emotional preparedness, which is something more complex and less under one’s control than mere logistical steps. ❌

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to answer the following questions.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are 3 things in your life that you don’t feel ready for?
Examples might include everything from steps outside your comfort zone (such as giving a talk or asking for a salary raise) to big, life-changing events (such as becoming a parent or losing someone you love).
Pick one of these things to proceed.
It doesn’t matter which one. Simply choose the one you most want to work on right now.
Keeping in mind the difference between being ready and being prepared, what is one action you can take to prepare yourself for this?
For instance, if you have to give a talk, perhaps you can prepare yourself by practicing in front of a friend. If you’re not ready for a big, life-changing event, you might decide that you want to talk to someone who’s been through the same thing and get their advice.
Take the first step toward getting prepared.
For instance, if you have decided to practice your talk in front of a friend, send them an email to schedule a time.

The idea��

If you find it hard to connect to your passion and purpose, dare to not be ready to do so.

The truth is that feeling ready is overrated. If something brings you joy, allow yourself to do it and to “dare to suck” at it.

3 Steps to Begin Resolving Your Big Life Problems Today

Mon, 01 Oct 2018 21:10:36 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to start resolving big life problems that are draining your energy. But first, let's consider what we're even talking about.

What are big life problems?

Basically, they are the sore spots of life, the “itches” one keeps on scratching and that somehow never get better. If you imagine yourself 2 years into the future, these problems will likely still be around, unless something huge changes.

Examples of these issues include:

Being in an unhealthy relationship with someone that you somehow can’t let go off, no matter how hard you try..
Bearing a grudge against someone for something that happened decades ago. (Here's a process that can help resolve that.)
Knowing that there is something one really should be doing differently in one’s life — and continuing with the same behavior.

There’s no ultimate test to tell you if something is a big issue in your life and no outside authority who can determine this for you.

But, thankfully, that’s not necessary.

You are the expert in your life.

If there are currently big unresolved issues in your life, chances are that you already know what those are. Perhaps you can even tell that you're dealing with a negative pattern that keeps on repeating itself in your life .

And, if you have ever experienced what it's like to deal with them, you probably also know about…

The impact of big life problems

Long story short, unresolved issues are distracting. They take up your time and energy. They redirect focus and attention away from your goals.

Often, having a major problem for a long time can also negatively impact one's self-esteem.

And they will continue to do all these things until they are resolved. By resolving big issues in your life, you free the energy that was previously trapped by them.

That creative energy is then available to you once again, ready to be applied elsewhere.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are 3 ongoing, unresolved issues in your life?
These might include clutter in your house that annoys you every time you walk past it, a self-centered “friend” who drains your energy every time you meet them, guilt you feel over something that happened years ago etc.
Pick one issue that you would like to work on.
For instance, perhaps you feel sad because you haven’t been in touch with a specific family member as much as you like. So, that might be the issue you want to focus on.
Pick one small action you can take to begin improving that issue.
The trick here is to pick a small step. If something has been an ongoing issue in your life for a long time, chances are that you won’t be able to resolve it in a day. And, that’s really okay! Your job is not to be perfect, your job is to make a sincere effort. For instance, if you want to improve your relationship with a family member, a first step may be to give them a short phone call.

The idea��

If you find it hard to connect to your passion or feel a sense of peace in your life, resolve big life problem that are draining your energy.

Spending time on dealing with those things may seem like a detour to you, but it will make it that much easier to build what you want to build when you’re ready.

5 Beautiful Quotes About Work & Love

Wed, 26 Sep 2018 19:07:53 GMT

Why share quotes about work and love?

Well, I believe that work and love are, or should be, interrelated. It’s the reason why I chose the name "Work You Love Coach" for what I do.

So, I thought today I would publish a compilation of quotes that speak to the connection between work and love .

My all-time favorite quote about the connection between work and love comes from the Lebanese-American poet and writer, Khalil Gibran:

“Work is love made visible.”

Here’s a beautiful quote by the American Baptist Minister Martin Luther King Jr., reminding us to strive for excellence in work that uplifts humanity:

“No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”

This quote by the Persian poet and Sufi mystic Rumi speaks to the connection between loving and doing:

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”

Here is a more contemporary quote (it is actually the tagline of the company Heart of Business ). What I love about this one is that it reminds us that business and love don’t have to be an incompatible:

“Every act of business can be an act of love.”

Lastly, here is a beautiful quote about work by Steve Pavlina that I discovered thanks to Shane Snow’s article here :

“Hard work is painful when life is devoid of purpose. But when you live for something greater than yourself and the gratification of your own ego, then hard work becomes a labor of love.”

How to Verify Your Reasons to Become an Entrepreneur

Wed, 26 Sep 2018 14:50:03 GMT

When people feel frustrated in their job, they often find many reasons to become an entrepreneur.

For instance, my client David (not his real name) had a good, stable job but kept wondering if it was really what he wanted. As we kept on exploring his life goals, he eventually revealed that he would love to become a self-employed consultant.

Of course, he had a lot of questions about how he could make that transition to self-employment. As we talked about the steps he would have to take, I felt the need to slow David down.

David’s situation brought up an experience I had:

“Are you interested in adopting a bearded dragon?”

“Am I what? Why?” My friend’s question came out of the left field. Of, course my curiosity was sparked as I hadn’t heard about this mysterious creature before. “What’s a bearded dragon, anyway?”

My friend proceeded to explain that his sister needed to find a new caretaker for her bearded dragon and showed me a picture.

And my heart… well, it melted.

Not only was this animal a bit dragon-like indeed, but Mr. Dragon (I believe it was a male) also looked incredibly cute. ��

That is when I knew we were meant to be. Within a few minutes, I started thinking about our future together (me and the bearded dragon, that is, not me and my friend).

How wonderful would it be to get to hang out with a… mini-dragon? My inner child was jubilant.

After a few minutes, my brain came back online and I found myself sheepishly asking my friend: “Erm, so how exactly do you care for them?”

My friend rattled off some pointers that he remembered. Warmth. Lots and lots of warmth (which requires special lamps and a lot of electricity.) Also, I would have to feed him live insects.

My face dropped as I realized this would be a lot more complicated than I had anticipated. And, as I researched further, people who had a lot of experience with taking care of bearded dragons confirmed that.

What to consider before making decisions:

Here is something that is true, regardless of whether you are considering a career change or adopting a mini-dragon:

Expectations are not the same as reality.

That is why decisions based on unchecked expectations can be really, really bad and disappointing. And, a lot of people have expectations about what being an entrepreneur would be like for them that don’t necessarily align with reality.

Entrepreneurship is a bit like taking care of bearded dragons — it is a great fit for some and a bad one for others.

Some people love having a business (or a mini-dragon), and others find themselves struggling a lot with the challenges that come with it.

And, you need to know where you fall on the spectrum, ideally before making any definitive life changes.

Sometime later, when my friend asked me to let him know if I wanted to adopt Mr. Dragon, I flicked back and forth between the cute picture of the mini-dragon and the extensive list of instructions for his care.

Eventually, with a heavy heart, I decided that it wouldn’t be fair to adopt Mr. Dragon — neither for him nor for me. And, I found myself hoping that he would find a new home with someone who could do a great job with a cute, high-maintenance mini-dragon. ��

Discovering if entrepreneurship is right for you:

In my client’s case, I wanted to help him find out whether entrepreneurship might be a good fit for him or not — before he made any irrevocable life changes such as quitting his job. This included scrutinizing his reasons to become an entrepreneur.

While it's true that a business can be a great way to get paid doing what you love , that doesn't necessarily mean that it's the best path for you.

Here is a short process that can help you get clear if entrepreneurship is right for you.

STEP 1

Make a list of 3 people you know (friends, family or close acquaintances) who have their own business.

Example:

“Hmm, okay. So, of course, there’s uncle Tony. He’s always been an entrepreneur so he’s going on the list. Then, my friend Lisa, I believe she’s been self-employed for a year now. And, oh right, I just remembered that Mel from undergrad also started her own business a few years ago. So my list is Tony, Lisa, and Mel.”

STEP 2

Pick one person from the list to contact.

Example:

“I’ll start with Lisa as she’s the closest to my situation. If she doesn’t have time, I can always reach out to uncle Tony instead. I haven’t spoken with Mel in a long time, so I’d prefer to reach out to someone else.”

STEP 3

Send an email to the person, asking if they could be available for a 15-minute call to ask them some questions about entrepreneurship.

Example:

“Okay, let’s write this. How about: ‘Hi Lisa, How are you? I was wondering if you’d have time for a short call this week? I’d love to ask you a few questions about what it’s like for you to be an entrepreneur. Thanks!”

STEP 4

Jot down the top 3 questions that come to your mind and that you want to ask your contact person about the reality of entrepreneurship.

Example:

“Hmm, what do I want to know? There are so many questions, I’m not sure I can narrow them down to just 3. But that’s fine, I can always have a longer list of questions. So, maybe I’ll ask her what she likes most about being an entrepreneur. And what she finds the most challenging about having her own business. And I also want to ask her if she has any advice for me as I’m considering whether I want to start a business.”

The idea

Before deciding to become an entrepreneur (or the caretaker of a mini-dragon), you need to make sure that your expectations are based on reality.

Just because something looks good from the outside doesn’t mean it is necessarily the best choice for you. After all, there are likely some challenges connected with creating a business (or tending to a bearded dragon) that you might not be fully aware of right now.

That is why it is so important to do proper research before making definitive life choices.

One easy way to find out more about the reality of entrepreneurship is by asking people who have their own business about their experiences — the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Are You Multi-Passionate & Why Does It Matter?

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 20:40:30 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to continue exploring if you're a multi-passionate person.

Related to my last article on whether you need to choose between your different passions is a distinction advanced by bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert .

According to the author of Eat, Pray, Love, the world is divided into two people…

Jackhammers and hummingbirds

Jackhammers (or, as Britt Bravo calls them, woodpeckers) are specialists. They pursue their one passion with a single-minded focus. Gilbert is a self-described jackhammer.

Hummingbirds, on the other hand, try different things and end up cross-pollinating the world. Evernote brilliantly describes what their path in life (and their role during dinner parties) looks like:

“Hummingbirds are the kind of people who spend a few years working on Wall Street then leave to write a book only to decide they want to compete in triathlons before ultimately opening up their own hot chocolate shop at the base of a ski resort (side note: hummingbirds make excellent dinner party guests).”

Sounds like someone you know? Maybe… like the person you see in the morning when you look in the mirror?

If so, then let’s move to…

Why this distinction matters

Self-knowledge is power and learning about this distinction can help you understand yourself and your own path better. For instance, MedaCodes writes :

“It wasn’t until I heard Gilbert’s talk (below) that I experienced a shift in mindset, and realized that every single step that I took towards getting to where I am today, was necessary.”

If you happen to be a hummingbird, chasing your passion is the worst advice you could get. Instead, follow your curiosity or, as Gilbert puts it:

“humbly and faithfully continue to follow the trail of the hummingbird path.”

According to Gilbert,

“if you can let go of ‘passion’ and follow your curiosity, your curiosity just might lead you to your passion.”

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are some things that you feel curious about?
This might be a somewhat eclectic list. For instance: "I feel curious about integral theory. I feel curious about Podcasting. I feel curious about Hebrew. I feel curious about facilitation."
Pick one thing from your list that you'd like to explore this week
For instance: "Hebrew! I've explored that for a bit but I would love to learn a bit more."
How can you explore this?
Make sure that this is something easy and simple. For instance: "I can watch a few videos on YouTube."
Decide when you will do this and schedule some time in your calendar
For instance: "I can do this tonight."
Write down any insights you get from this
For instance: "Hmm, I had a lot of fun doing this and it somehow helped me come up with new ideas for my current writing project. I'd like to do this again."

The idea��

If you are a hummingbird (a.k.a. a multi-passionate person), let go of the need to find your passion. Instead, pay attention to what excites you . Trust your own path, ask yourself what you feel drawn to and follow your curiosity.

Do You Need to Choose Between Your Different Passions?

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 20:39:32 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to entertain the possibility that you may have different passions.

Often, people get caught up in the idea of finding The One. The One Perfect Passion.

But, the truth is that your relationship with your passion and purpose doesn’t have to be a monogamous affair. ❤️ You absolutely can "cheat" on your passion!

Just because you love writing (passion #1) and care about saving the environment (purpose #1) doesn’t mean that you can’t also love to play chess (passion #2) and world peace (purpose #2). It all comes down to…

The typology of passion

Some people are specialists who have a sort of tunnel vision when it comes to their passion. Actor Johnny Galecki’s quote accurately describes how this group experiences passion:

“It’s that one thing that you’re passionate about, that you end up developing tunnel vision for and everything else tends to fall by the wayside. Passion is appealing and universal.”

And, let’s just say not everyone experiences tunnel vision. Some people are more prone to… roving eye syndrome when it comes to their passion and purpose. For them, the idea of focusing on one thing, and one thing only, sounds like hell (or at least, purgatory). ��

Broadly speaking, we can differentiate between…

Two groups of people

I first learned about this distinction from author Barbara Sher who uses the terms Divers (specialists) and Scanners (generalists) to describe these groups of people.

Divers are passionate about one thing and can get totally absorbed in it, whereas Scanners have multiple passions.

While different authors use different terms to describe Scanners (for instance, multi-passionate people, polymaths, or Renaissance people), what matters is to identify which type you are.

For Scanners, discovering one’s personality type is typically a great relief.

For instance, in his article about being a scanner , Sebastian Martin writes about how helpful it was for him to discover this concept: “Ultimately, I’m now much more at ease with my ideas.”

While both Divers and Scanners can have a fulfilling, successful life and career, getting to this place can be more challenging if you fall into the second category. Because our culture tends to value specialists, it’s important for generalists to learn to accept and embrace who they are.

To this end, it can be helpful to read about multi-passionate role models, such as Leonardo Da Vinci .

With all that being said, let's move on to...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

What are some things that you feel passionate about/that you love to do?
This might be a somewhat eclectic list. For instance: "I love writing fiction. I love teaching people. I love martial arts. I love doing music. I love learning new things. I love creating something new. I feel passionate about everything related to leadership and to self-growth."
Is it possible to combine some of these passions?
For instance: "Definitely. S ome of these already overlap. For example, when I go to martial arts classes, I learn a lot of new things. W hen I teach people something, I typically learn something new and I'm also creating something new. I could even decide to make my teachings about leadership and/or self-growth and it immediately combines a number of different things I care about."
For the next month, pick one passion or combination of passions that will be your main focus
For instance: "Since this combines so many of my passions, I think I'll focus on teaching people about leadership."
Decide what you will do with your other passions during the next month
You could decide to not pursue them at all, to pursue them casually, or anything else that does not interfere with the main focus you picked. For instance: " Well, I'll continue going to martial arts classes since it's my hobby anyway. And I'll write some fiction in my free time when I feel like it, perhaps instead of watching Netflix. In terms of music, I don't feel like practicing right now so I think I'll just listen to music whenever I feel like it."
Schedule time in your calendar for your main focus
Look at the month ahead and decide when you'll pursue your main focus. For instance: "I think I can set aside 2 hours each weekend to create a course where I'd teach people about leadership."

The idea ��

If you notice yourself getting stuck in the search for your one true calling, give yourself some breathing space by entertaining the possibility that you might have different passions — and that that’s okay!

You might also be interested in my article about how to choose a career when you have many passions .

Should You Stop Idealizing the Things You Want?

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 20:30:08 GMT

People often find themselves idealizing what they most want, whether it's their soulmate, finding their passion, or a spiritual awakening. By that I mean that they attribute overly positive qualities to something.

Today, I’d like to encourage you to stop turning what you want into a mythical thing.

Let's assuming you're looking to live your passion. Do you think all would be well, better than well, just amazing, if you just accomplished that?

Well, that would be understandable. When we want something we don’t (yet) have, it’s easy to fall into…

The trap of idealization

Often, people get so caught up in their search for their “passion,” or “purpose” (check out my article for the difference between passion and purpose ) that they put it on a pedestal.

The search for one’s passion then becomes as emotionally charged as a desperate romance involving The One.

And we all know how well that works… ��

I’m looking at you, Romeo and Juliet!

So, stop idealizing passion!

Passion is not a unicorn. (No offense to unicorns intended.)

It’s not a real-life fairy tale.

And it’s not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. ��

So, stop idealizing passion. Actually, stop idealizing everything if you can.

While your life will likely be a lot more fulfilled if you live your passion, or if you are with your soulmate, you will still be you (which is a good thing!).

Also, you won’t magically find yourself in a land of milk and honey (or almond milk and agave syrup, for my fellow vegans).

Once you stop over-idealizing your passion (or your soulmate), you have a much better chance of getting what you want.

One reason we idealize anything is because of the…

Fear of averageness

In many Western countries these days, we’re afraid of being average, of being ordinary, of being normal.

But, our normal is actually pretty darn mindblowing.

For instance, take the planet you’re on right now (assuming you’re on ��). It’s currently racing around the sun at an average of 110,000 kilometers (or 67,000 miles)… per hour. ��

Or, take yourself.

As Bill Bryson put it in his book A Short History of Nearly Everything:

“Consider the fact that for 3.8 billion years, a period of time older than the Earth’s mountains and rivers and oceans, every one of your forebears on both sides has been attractive enough to find a mate, healthy enough to reproduce, and sufficiently blessed by fate and circumstance to live long enough to do so.”

Umm, maybe “average” is so special that it doesn’t make any sense to put anything on a pedestal?

After all, what could be more miraculous that we’re �� (here) and �� (now)?

Making Passion Average Again

So, maybe it’s time to take passion off the pedestal. Maybe it’s time to make it average again.

As Dan Bailey Photo so pointedly put it when talking about creativity:

“Don’t put creativity on a pedestal , take it down and stick it in your pocket and don’t be afraid to wrinkle it up and get it dirty. Creativity is not something to be worshiped and revered and handled with clean, white gloves, it’s something to use with your bare, calloused hands.”

I think the same applies to passion. What good is passion on a pedestal, rather than in real life?

So, how do we take passion of the pedestal?

Well, as Nick Maccarone so accurately diagnosed : “We’re led to believe passion must precede the pursuit.” But, as he remarks, passion is “simply a byproduct of first putting in the work.”

This is similar to the advice Max Nussenbaum gives : “the only way to figure out what you’re passionate about is to try something and see what happens. In most industries, passion is an acquired taste.”

In my German culture, we have a common saying that relates to something similar: “ appetite comes with eating . ”

It basically means that your desire to do something increases as the activity proceeds. For instance, you might not have a desire to write when you first sit down, but feel motivated to continue once you really get into it.

So, maybe it’s time to start to eat, metaphorically speaking?

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

To put this into practice, go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down at least 3 things you love to do
These should be active things (so, for instance, writing instead of reading, making music instead of listening to music). For instance: "I love to write fiction. I love to make soups. I love to play the guitar (or at least I used to so I assume I still would if I started again).
Get your calendar
It doesn't matter if your calendar is in a digital or a physical format.
Schedule 30 minutes of uninterrupted time in your calendar
Once you find an open 30-minute slot at a convenient time, block it off.
Pick the thing from your list above that you're worst at
For instance: "Out of that list, I'm probably worst at playing the guitar since I haven't done it in forever."
Spend your time doing this thing
While you're engaged with the passion that you're worst at, aim to be okay with mediocrity or even with sucking at it. Simply have fun doing what you love to do, regardless of your level of skill.

The idea��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, stop idealizing it.

Make it ordinary.

And just do the work.

As the Zen quote reminds us,

“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

Or, as we could put it:

“Before finding your purpose, do the work and help others. After finding your purpose, do the work and help others.”

Yes, it sounds less catchy but it’s just as true.

Why You Need to Find Your Authentic Voice

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:40:42 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to find your authentic voice.

For something to be your passion, it has to be related to your own energy.

And yet, it’s so easy to get distracted by the ideas or desires of others. This can take many different forms:

Maybe you’re not pursuing your dreams because your significant other doesn’t approve of it.
Or perhaps you continue doing what you’ve been doing (instead of exploring what excites you) because you don’t want to disappoint your parents.
You also might have people around you who constantly asking you for help, leaving you with little time to work on your passion projects.

All of these are…

Boundary problems impacting your passion & voice

How can you express yourself authentically and passionately, when you have a hard time differentiating between yourself and others ❔

The truth is that you can’t.

We need boundaries .

Without knowing where you end and someone else begins, you might find yourself living someone else’s dream, expressing someone else’s thoughts or doing someone else’s work — which typically feels unsatisfactory. ��

It also deprives the world of your uniqueness.

All of this is why it’s important to…

Learn to set boundaries

We typically don’t get taught how to set emotional boundaries. And, that’s a problem because as Kris Gage points out , “pretty much the only people with healthy emotional boundaries are the ones who have conscientiously and deliberately put in the emotion work to build them.”

If you have difficulties distinguishing yourself and your own voice from those around you, do what you need to do to become clearer on what belongs to you, and what belongs to others.

When it comes to your relationship with others, it’s helpful to start saying no .

Finding your authentic voice is not just about saying no to unreasonable demands that other people place on you, it’s also about saying yes to yourself.

And, we need to say yes to all of who we are. As Camille DePutter put it , “there is not one ‘authentic’ you. Not one authentic voice. Not one authentic story. We don’t just have one true story of our lives, we have many. We don’t just have one truth, we have many contradictory truths, lies, and somewhere-in-betweens that make us who we are.”

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down 3 things you sometimes do that you don’t really want to do
For instance: “I often continue talking with my chatty colleagues when I really want to get back to work on my projects. Also, I actually don’t enjoy my volunteer work anymore. I don’t get enough appreciation for all the work I put in. I also check my emails way to often and respond to most emails right away, regardless of how important and urgent they are. That really makes me less productive and breaks up my workflow.” ��
Pick one of these things
For instance: “Let’s begin with my chatty colleagues.”
Brainstorm options ��
Brainstorm what actions you could take to get yourself out of that situation. For instance: “If I really need to focus, I could close my door to make it less likely that one of them will come into my room. I can also simply say that I’m busy and that I want to get back to work. That feels a bit uncomfortable but I think it would be good for me.”
Pick one of these options and start taking action
For instance: “So, the next time I will find myself in a drawn-out conversation with them, I will just tell them that I want to get back to work.”

The idea ��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, find your authentic voice (or voices).

While this can be a lifelong journey, the better you get at discerning the boundaries between yourself and others, the easier it will be for you to connect with your own passion and voice.

To begin, schedule some alone time and explore who you are.

Also, start by saying “no” more often to requests that don’t feel good to you. This will help you clarify which actions don’t feel congruent for you which conversely can allow you to identify the ones that do.

And, it also allows you to practice expressing yourself in the world.

How to Stop Playing Small in 5 Simple Steps

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:16:18 GMT

Are you ready to stop playing small?

If you’ve been with me from the beginning of the Work You Love 101 series, you’ve read my prompt about stepping into your unique leadership and getting out of your own way .

Related to both of these ideas is today’s prompt about breaking the…

Spell of Smallness (hitherto “SOS”/pun intended)

But first, what the heck is the spell of smallness?

A quick google search reveals that “spell of smallness” is not a commonly used phrase. I myself first heard it from Dr. Brian Whetten, an executive coach, and liked the poignancy of the term.

Being under a spell implies not being fully aware of what’s going on. It also brings up feelings of helpless- and powerlessness which is exactly how the SOS can feel like.

The SOS is related to the fear of being seen and being successful. It’s us keeping ourselves in a box. It’s the opposite of daring greatly.

Bestselling spiritual author Marianne Williamson succinctly described it in the following words:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Reasons for letting go of the SOS

As Zdravko Cvijetic put it in his viral Medium article , playing small is one of the things you need to give up to be successful:

“If you never try and take great opportunities, or allow your dreams to become realities, you will never unleash your true potential.”

You shouldn’t only give up on playing small for yourself but also for those who could really benefit from what you have to share.

As Marianne Williamson pointed out:

“ Your playing small does not serve the world.”

When you stop playing small, you can become a role model for others. In his article How To Conquer Your Fears And Reclaim Your True Power, Tony Fahkry put it this way:

“As you claim and step into your glory, you allow others to see the possibility of attaining the same freedom… There is an underdog within us all waiting to appear.”

Why the SOS exists

To quote, erm… myself:

In other words, the SOS exists to protect us. If we never try, we can’t fail, right?

Except if we don’t try, we’ve already failed. Or, as ice hockey legend Wayne Gretzky put it:

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Of course, fear doesn’t simply disappear because we want it to. That’s not how it works. When we try to fight our fear, it often gets stronger. Of course, giving in to our fear also isn’t a solution.

What to do?

Well, instead of treating our fear like an enemy and going into fight/flight mode, how about befriending it? Check out my article for the best way to reduce fear by changing your attitude towards it.

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

1. Imagine what it would feel like to break out of the spell of smallness
Be specific about what that would mean for you. Different people have different interpretations of that.
For instance: “In two months, I’m giving a paid workshop about how to be more creative to 20 people.” ��

2. Rank your fear
On a scale of 1 (no fear at all) to 10 (panic attack), how much fear does this bring up for you?

3. Explore your worst-case scenario
What is the worst-case scenario your fear wants to warn you about? Even if it sounds catastrophic to you, please write it down.

For instance: “Nobody shows up to my workshop at all. Or worse, 2 people show up so I also get to feel super-embarrassed in front of them. I feel so bad about all this that I give up on pursuing my dreams forever and have huge regrets later in life.” ��

4. Brainstorm options ��
Brainstorm what actions you could take to make that outcome less likely.

For instance: “Since this would be my first workshop, maybe I could set my expectations a bit lower. If only 8 people attend, that would still be a success. I should start promoting this right away so that I have more time to fill it. And, I could get advice from people who have been through this before.”

5. Pick one of these options and start taking action
For instance: “I will contact with friend Danny and ask him for advice. He’s been doing workshops for years and years, so I’m sure he has some great advice.”

The idea ��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, stop playing small. You don’t need to puff yourself up or pretend you’re more than you actually are. While that may appear to be different than playing small, it’s still based on feelings of insignificance.

Instead of either posturing (pretending to be bigger than you are) or collapsing (pretending to be smaller that you are), simply take up the space you naturally take up.

If you have a skill or a talent, own that. If someone gives you a nice compliment or positive feedback, receive it.

For so many people, it's important to learn how to shine without shame. Below, you'll find a conversation I hosted about that topic. While the conversation itself revolved around women's self esteem and confidence, I believe the lesson in this video apply to everyone, regardless of gender.

How to Get out of Your Own Way

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 18:53:45 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to get out of your own way.

What does that mean?

Well, the first step would be to…

Ditch perfectionism! ⚠

So often people can be their own worst enemies. We can be overly critical, perfectionistic and hold ourselves to impossible standards.

Then, as a result of this attitude, we don’t take action.

I love how self-help guru Tony Robbins puts it:

“People always try to be perfect. That’s why they don’t start anything. Perfection is the lowest standard in the world. Because if you’re trying to be perfect, you know you can’t be. So what you really have is a standard you can never achieve. You want to be outstanding, not perfect.”

Author and research professor Brené Brown also isn’t a fan of perfectionism:

“Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”

Even when we take action, a perfectionist mindset still impairs us.

Amy McTear described it this way in her aptly titled article Perfectionism ≠ Self-Improvement :

“Perfectionism leads to withholding, disappearing and not daring too greatly… Genius cannot flourish under such conditions. Genius is born of risk. It happens when we are unedited in our engaging.”

So, what’s the alternative to perfectionism ❔

Glad you asked. How about…

Daring to suck!

That’s right. Daring to suck is the antithesis of perfectionism.

I first learned about the concept of daring to suck in a private concert by the Brothers Koren, two Aussie musicians who’ve opened for Pink, Coldplay, Bon Jovi, and Rod Stewart.

The concert also included the band inviting us, the audience, to co-create a song with them. ��

Yes, that really happened and yes, it’s a long story… which you can read in my article about how to conquer your perfectionistic tendencies by daring to suck .

Try it out and give yourself permission to suck in a situation where your failure wouldn’t hurt yourself or anyone else.

As Todd Brison accurately diagnosed in his article How to Stay a Creative Genius :

“I think somewhere along the way, we just forget how to suck.”

Daring to suck can free you from the shackles of perfectionism and it can allow you to…

Become a channel for what wants to come through you!

This is where genius can happen. ��

For instance, I’ve written about how the “I have a dream” speech became so special the moment Martin Luther King Jr. let go of his script and allowed himself to

“become a mouthpiece, a channel for the united vision of the hundreds of thousands of people who had gathered for the social change that was happening, and for the highest aspirations of this country.”

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down three things you love to do
These should be an active thing (writing instead of reading, creating music instead of listening to music). For instance: "I love to write, speak in front of others and bake."
Schedule at least 20 minutes of uninterrupted time
For instance: "Okay, tomorrow evening I have enough time."
Pick one of the activities from your list to practice daring to suck
Make sure that there won't be any overly negative consequences if you end up sucking at this activity. For instance: "I'll choose writing. If my writing is really bad, I don't have to share it with anyone so I have nothing to fear."
Do the activity and DARE TO SUCK
Allow yourself to create something truly terrible. For instance: "Okay, so I'm completely at peace with potentially creating the world's worst draft."
Observe what happens

The idea ��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, get out of your own way. Once you set aside your fears , worries etc. and cooperate with what wants to come through you, you will often find yourself in a state of flow.

It is thus no surprise that writer Aldous Huxley stated that

“our whole effort must be to get out of our own light.”

It’s Time to Embrace Your Unique Leadership

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 16:53:15 GMT

Today, I’d like to encourage you to step more into your unique leadership potential.

Growing up, you probably learned that leadership is about titles, positions, or formal authority. While this is true in a number of contexts, it’s also an incomplete understanding of leadership.

If you operate from the assumption that leadership is about external things (such as titles or positions), you might hold yourself back.

Leadership can be different ��

Alternative ways of conceiving of leadership include the idea of servant-leadership or authentic leadership .

For instance, according to Robert Greenleaf who launched the modern servant-leadership movement,

“The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first . Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions.”

In his article What is Servant Leadership, Joshua 스크람 Partogi put it this way:

“You are not the center of the attention, the people whom you are serving should be the center of the attention.”

Leadership as an expression of your uniqueness ✨

Entertain the possibility that to become a leader, you need to step into your own unique leadership in service of others.

Consider these words by legendary choreographer Martha Graham to her protégé, dancer Agnes de Mille:

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.”

The same is true for yourself.

You have skills, talents and life experiences that are unique in their combination.

These can create exceptional value for others. They can also help you connect with your passion and purpose .

With all that being said, let’s move on to…

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

(If you want to get the most out of this or if you're afraid of getting stuck, get the "Taking Action Worksheets" and begin by filling those out.)

Write down 3 areas in your life where you could be more in your leadership
For instance: “I often hold myself back in my writing and don't really express my opinions. I could change that. I also could take a more active role in the movement I'm involved in. I could also be more active when it comes to structuring this project I'm doing with my friends, and make more direct suggestions."
Pick one of these
For instance: “Let’s begin with my writing."
What would it look like to be more in your leadership in this area?
Be as concrete as possible. Vague descriptions are not going to be that helpful. For instance: “I have already written a few articles where I'm more opinionated. I could publish those on Medium. In the future, when I write, I can aim to be 10% more direct than in my old articles."
Commit to one doable task, schedule it into your calendar and DO IT
For instance: “So, I wrote a justice-related article. I could publish that on Medium by the end of the week. That's what I'll commit to."

The idea ��

To connect more deeply with your passion and purpose, dare to step into your own unique leadership. Embrace what makes you unique and find a way to express it in a way that helps others .

How to Deal with Negative Writing Feedback

Wed, 01 Aug 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The fear of getting negative writing feedback can stop us from moving forward.

Case in point: if you’re like myself and many other writers, there are times when you ask yourself if you should hit the “submit” or “publish” button.

What if people don’t like it? What if we get criticized when we share our work publicly?

In his semi-autobiographical novel Black Swan Green, award-winning author David Mitchell describes the whole process with the following words:

“If you show someone something you’ve written, you give them a sharpened stake, lie down in your coffin, and say, ‘When you’re ready’.”

Ouch.

Of course, most of us get nowhere near the public exposure for our writing as David Mitchell (who, as a side note, wrote the book Cloud Atlas which was turned into my favorite movie of all times).

And still, his description might ring true for all of us, no matter if 5 people read our writing, or 5 million.

So is there perhaps a way to soften the blow when we — inevitably — get criticized for what we write?

Here are 3 suggestions:

1) Frame how you’d like to receive criticism

Is there a way you can frame how you would like to receive writing feedback ?

For instance, I have participated in events where the organizer asked people for feedback in terms of pluses and deltas, where delta means “what could be even better” or “what could be improved” etc.

This strategy works particularly well if you share your work with a closed group of people (such as a writing support group).

But, you can also include a brief note in a publicly accessible blog post about the type of feedback you’re looking for (for instance, concrete feedback on what could be improved) and anything that helps readers put your writing into context.

For instance, some people who don’t write in their first language put up a note to let their readers know that they are not native speakers. This typically has readers be more forgiving when it comes to small grammar mistakes.

2) Think of feedback as a gift (that you can either keep or discard)

If it is not possible to invite others to offer feedback in less harsh ways, you might like to think of any type of feedback (including criticism) as something you get for free. Because it’s free, you can simply acknowledge it with the words “thank you” at first (without yet deciding whether you agree with it or not).

Then, when you have time to consider the content of the feedback itself, you can systematically comb through it and see if there are things you agree with and you’d like to keep, and if there are things you’d like to discard.

In that sense, feedback is like a wildcard birthday gift. It may be super-amazing and helpful, or maybe it’s more like the gifted pair of socks that you really don’t want to keep in your house (��).

3) Find supportive others

It can also be helpful to find a group of supportive people who can relate to what it’s like to receive criticism. They can both support you emotionally and practically.

For instance, when I was an Elephant Journal apprentice, one of the writers in our cohort received very negative and offensive feedback for an article she had written. (The headline was provocative and a lot of people didn’t bother to read the thoughtful article before commenting.)

Because she had a group of others, we were able to support her emotionally. We also were able to support her in practical ways, by responding to some of the negative comments and told them that they obviously hadn’t read the article.

With all that being said, let's move on to...

Taking action

Grab a pen and paper. ��Then, take a moment to go through the following process.

Pick one piece of writing where you are afraid of criticism
It doesn’t have to be something you have already written. It could also be something you’ve been thinking about but that you’re afraid to write. For instance: “There’s this article I wrote but I’m afraid that I come across as a bit conceited (which is not my intention at all). I’m not sure if that’s just my fear or if there’s something to it.”
Pick one of these three approaches to try out
Simply choose one, or pick a combination of them. For example: “I think I could really benefit from having more support from other writers in my life. So, I think I will see if any of my writing friends are willing to give me feedback and help me figure out if I should change something about the article or just publish it as it is. I guess that’s a combination of the first and third approach?”
Brainstorm ideas for applying this approach to your writing
For instance: “Well, I think I already started to answer that. I can certainly reactivate the writing support group I was in. I think I will tell them about the concern I have about appearing conceited and ask them if there are specific sentences I could change. If I want more support, I could also ask for feedback in Writing Cooperative’s Slack Channel or in the Facebook business group I’m a member of.”
Pick one of these ideas and do it
For instance: “I will reach out to my writing friends and ask them to give me feedback on my article, specifically on my concern of appearing conceited.”

The idea ��

In some ways, criticism is just part of the game .

At the same time, there are some things we can do to either make it slightly less likely that we’ll be criticized, or to feel better about criticism.

The four-step process above is a great way to get started on that.

Family or Career? How to Make the Best Decision.

Tue, 03 Jul 2018 01:03:59 GMT

A lot of people feel like they need to choose between family or career. For instance, a while ago I talked to a client, let’s call her Mindy, who was very clear that she wanted to start a family. However, Mindy had just started taking the first steps towards her own business .

And, at her day job, she had recently received a promotion. Mindy feared that her career and her plans for her own business would suffer if she chose to have a child.

Mindy didn’t really know whether to pick family or career.

How do you choose if you want two things — and both seem irreconcilable?

My relative’s dilemma

Well, let me tell you about a situation one of my relatives found herself in: together with a handful of other students, she faced the most important test of her life.

This wasn’t just a test, it was a grueling, multiple-hour long oral examination in front of an evaluation panel. By that, I mean that it was a bit less nerve-racking than having to participate in gladiator games in Ancient Rome.

As the best student in the group, my relative was well-respected by the examiners.

That is until one of the examiners picked on one of the weaker students during the exam.

Now, the thing to know about my relative is that she can’t stand people abusing power. In this situation, she felt a lot of compassion for this other student who was clearly affected by the examiner’s mean comment.

However, standing up for her fellow student during such an important exam was risky, to say the least.

In this dilemma, my relative decided to stand up to the examiner. Before I tell you what happened next, let’s explore what went into her decision.

How to make choices in tough situations

Both my relative and my client found themselves in a dilemma where they wanted two seemingly irreconcilable things.

My relative wanted to protect her fellow student, and to also stay on good terms with the examiner. My client wanted to have a child while also progressing in her career and business endeavors.

In both cases, a simple principle applies:

Awareness of the hierarchy of one’s personal life goals or values makes decision-making easier. — Click to Tweet

Or, to put it in plain English:

If you know what’s more important to you, it’s easier to decide. (Hmm, this sounds slightly circular, doesn’t it?)

In my relative’s case, she knew that dignity/fairness was more important to her than achievement/safety, so she was willing to risk the latter for the former.

Similarly, if you want seemingly opposing things, you need to be willing to risk your less important goal for your more important one.

The aftermath of my relative’s choice

So, here’s what happened after my relative stood up to the examiner: while he stopped picking on the other student, he now proceeded to turn on my relative instead.

He started asking her one highly specialized questions after the other that, as a student, she simply couldn’t know the answer to.

While all this was happening, members of the audience thought that my relative had blown her exam. ��

Now, here’s the thing:

The reason you should risk your less important goal for your more important one is because you don’t want to gamble with what matters most to you. — Click to Tweet

It can be really hard to not meet the less important goal but, in seemingly irreconcilable situation, it still beats the alternative of losing out on what you care more about.

That said, there’s still more to the story.

My relative’s identity and her final outcome

It turns out that my relative hadn’t blow her exam.

The examiner was part of a panel and thus couldn’t decide on my relative’s final grade by himself. And the other members of the panel helped her when it came to the grading process. ��

My relative walked out with her head held high and with the high grade she deserved. (Hooray!)

But even if my relative had only gotten an average grade because of her courage, she still would be a great role model for me.

Because what I haven’t mentioned so far is that I’m talking about my mother. And having her stand up to someone in such a tough situation makes me incredibly proud of her!

Mindy’s decision

And my client Mindy? She decided that she wanted to start a family at this point. While nobody knows what the future brings, she now feels confident that having a child won’t forever preclude her from building her business.

Also, since she became pregnant, Mindy actually enjoys her day job more than before.

If you want to seemingly irreconcilable things, you may still get both of them, just like my mother did and Mindy might.

However, I believe the first step is to get clear on your priorities.

So, you might wonder how you can get clear on what’s most important to you.

To do that you must answer a hard question.

It’s like the iconic scene in the science-fiction movie “The Matrix,” where the rebel leader Morpheus offers the protagonist Neo the choice between taking the blue pill (continuing in the comfortable, simulated reality he lives in) and the red pill (facing the harsh truth of reality).

So, let me play Morpheus for a second and show you a quick exercise that can help you gain some clarity about the hierarchy of your goals.

Imagine there are 2 doors in front of you.

Here are the rules:

If you choose to walk through the first door, you will have the family you want but you’ll never become successful in your career.
In contrast, if you decide to take the second door, you will have an amazing career with incredible contributions, but you’ll never have a family.
If you refuse to choose, you will stay where you’re at and meet neither of your goals.

Now, let’s begin.

Step 1:
Imagine walking through the first door. How does it make you feel to have the family you wan,t but know you’ll never become successful in your career.

Example: “Hmm, I feel really sad even considering that I might not make the contribution I want to make in my work. I care so much about my business idea. I like having a family but I’m not sure if it makes up for all that I’m losing out on.”

Step 2:
Now imagine walking through the second door. How does it make you feel to have an amazing career with incredible contributions, but know you’ll never have a family?

Example: “Phew. Ouch. I really, really don’t like this. My work is great and yet, I really feel something is missing in my life.”

Step 3:
If you absolutely had to choose, which door would you pick right now? Remember, if you don’t pick a door, you’ll miss out on both goals.

Example: “I guess if I really had to choose right now, I’d pick the first door. I think I want a family but I’m not ready to put my work second at this point. Maybe I should do this exercise again in a year, see if having a family feels more important to me then?

Are you willing to embrace that that’s your more important goal in this situation?

The takeaway

Whether you find yourself participating in the modern-day equivalent of gladiator games, or need to make a choice between family and career, life priorities are your trustworthy friend.

When you’re in a dilemma where you want seemingly irreconcilable things, you need to get clear on which one matters most to you. You also need to be willing to risk you more important goal for the less important one.

Once you have chosen a door to walk through, you might find that your goals are not as irreconcilable as they seemed from the other side. (You also might find that other people are very proud of you for making a tough choice.)

And, if your goals are actually irreconcilable, you can rest calmly in the knowledge that you went for what mattered most to you.

How to Find True Love When You Care about Your Purpose

Thu, 28 Jun 2018 23:08:35 GMT

Many people who want to make a difference wonder how to find true love. They often really want to share their lives with an amazing partner if they don't already have one.

For instance, a while ago, I was talking to a client* who is very passionate about what he does for a living.

He also felt that, after having been single for a while, it was time for him to start dating again. After signing up for a dating platform, he was wondering how on earth to find the right person.

My client’s question reminded me of two unlikely friendships in BBC shows I had watched—“Sherlock” and “Merlin.”

The first one shows the journey of the fictional private detective Sherlock Holmes and his friend, Dr. John Watson, while the second one focuses on the legendary wizard Merlin and King Arthur.

If you watched these shows, you might agree that Sherlock lacks basic social skills and that Arthur comes across as arrogant and spoiled.

Yet somehow, John still becomes Sherlock’s biggest supporter. The same is true for Merlin and Arthur.

All this even though being friends with either Sherlock or Arthur regularly includes dealing with life-threatening situations.

What these shows can teach us about how to find true love (the purpose-driven way)

At this point, you might rightly wonder why Merlin and John would risk their lives for someone who seems to be a jerk.

Now, many viewers have noted that there is sexual tension in both of these friendships, and the shows have been cited as examples of queerbaiting (where a show hints at but doesn't actually depict same-sex romance).

While I think this is likely true and worthy of further exploration, in this article I would like to highlight another aspect that rarely gets discussed: the role of purpose in creating and maintaining relationships.

The deepest bonds in both shows are arguably between the two main male characters—even though Sherlock lacks basic social skills, and Arthur comes across as arrogant and spoiled. Undeterred, John becomes Sherlock’s biggest supporter (which just so happens to include putting up with life-threatening situations). The same is true for Merlin and Arthur.

Is a romantic attraction by itself really enough to make you want to risk your life for someone who often acts like a ______ (insert expletive of your choice)?

Personally, I don’t think so.

And while Sherlock has many redeeming qualities, I wonder if John only sticks around long enough to discover them because he loves solving cases together with the detective.

The same might be true for Merlin. Despite being really annoyed about Arthur, he fully devotes himself to protecting the future king of Camelot— after finding out about their foretold destiny from a dragon ( hey, it’s a show after all... ). ��

I think it’s entirely possible that in both these cases, a joint purpose served as the “glue” that created a deep bond between two people.

Who would make a great partner for you?

Heads-up: you will find an additional, free resource (the FREE Soulmate Meditation) at the end of this article that can help you in creating a connection with that person. So when you get to the end of this article, watch out for that.

Alright, how can you tell if someone makes a great relationship partner for you ? Well, to some extent that depends on what you care the most about.

Is it

purpose and making a difference, ��
success and accomplishment, ��
belief and adherence to traditional roles, ⛪️ or
power and personal loyalty? ��

It's worth noting that your answer to that question might change over time. For instance, these days I most care about living my purpose and making a difference but in the past, I might have cared more about success and accomplishment.

Your answer to that question matters because it can tell you something about your value system. And, if you’re looking for a deeply fulfilling relationship with a soulmate , it might be best to look for someone with similar values.

How an aligned purpose can help you find true love:

Depending on your values, an aligned purpose can be super-magnetic.

Now, here's the secret about purpose: it not only has an impact on what you feel called to do but also on who you want to be with while you give your gifts to the world.

This doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same purpose with your partner. For instance, if you deeply care about human rights while your partner is most concerned about environmental issues, you could well be a good match.

What matters is that you both value making a contribution.

If you’re purpose-driven, you’ll be attracted to different people than someone who is primarily motivated by other things, such as achievement, tradition, or power.

How to use this insight to find the right person for you:

If you’re single and would like to find a partner, I suggest beginning with the following steps (if you want to find new friends, you can adapt this process and/or follow the steps I describe in this article ):

STEP 1:
Take a moment to ask yourself if you care about living your purpose (hint: if you’ve read so far, you probably are). If the answer to that question is yes, proceed to the next step.

Example: “Hmm, so I do care about success and achievement. But I think I care even more about making a difference. And, I’m not really that interested in tradition or having power over someone. So, I guess that means I'm purpose-driven.”

STEP 2:
Grab a piece of paper and write down 3 places (virtual or in real life) where you might meet people with similar values who are looking for a partner.

Example: “If I remember correctly, there’s this dating platform that my friend Jimmy found. I’ll ask him for that name. I also remember this monthly meetup group where I met some fun people. And, there’s this interesting bookstore/coffee shop with live performances.”

STEP 3:
Grab your calendar and schedule a time to explore one of these places.

Example: “So, I have one virtual and two live options. Which would I like to explore first? Well, I’m a bit busy at the moment so maybe I’ll begin with the virtual one. Then, when I have more time I can attend a performance in the bookstore. I’ll text Jimmy and ask about the name of the dating platform right away. Then I can get set up there tomorrow evening.”

The takeaway: here's what it takes to find true love

If you're wondering about how to find true love, remember that your values matter. That's why it's so important to get clear about them.

In the absence of a destiny-revealing dragon, you’ll have to find your purpose and that special person yourself (while I'm not a prophetic dragon myself, I'm happy to help ). To do so, start exploring environments where you might meet like-minded people who are single.

Just like the BBC’s version of John Watson or Merlin, you might find yourself gravitating towards someone who cares as much about their purpose as you do.

For additional help with finding true love, check out these free resources:

* While the essence of my client's experience is true, some of the details have been altered to protect client confidentiality.

A version of this article was first published on elephant journal here .

Work-Related Stress: How to Handle It Like a Champion

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 18:03:29 GMT

Many of my clients are dealing with intense work-related stress. For instance, a while ago, a woman asked me how to avoid burnout. She was in a leadership position in her company and feeling overwhelmed with work.

Her question reminded me of the friend of someone I know---a musician who has performed on stage with big, famous bands.

Over the years, this person has played in front of millions of people. If you’ve never been a performer, you might don’t know that it’s an intense experience to be the focus for so many people.

This also means that energetically, a super-large crowd is so much more taxing than a small one.

Intense Pressure

It’s hard for me to imagine what it must feel like to have that much pressure on your shoulders—and there’s not a lot that can prepare someone for this level of success.

That’s the challenge my friend’s friend was facing at some point in his career. Many people in his situation turn to drugs to modulate their energy and handle the stress of being so publicly visible. While this coping mechanism might help them to continue performing, it unfortunately often also ends up destroying them.

Given all this, what did this musician choose? Did he pick the path of drugs and potential self-destruction? Or did he decide to walk away from immense success to preserve his health and well-being?

Before telling you about his fate, I want to point out that self-care is essential to any type of work. Without self-care, productivity eventually suffers.

For instance, the careers of many incredibly talented musicians have been cut short by their premature deaths.

Even though the situation is less dire for someone like my client, many people in her shoes are also at risk of burnout. And, of course, this could seriously impair their health, relationships, and career.

Decision time

So, what did the musician decide to do?

The musician realized that if he wanted to continue to perform in front of large crowds, he needed to find a way to handle the challenges that came with it. His choice basically came down to

attempting to deal with the intensity of the situation through drugs, or
consciously learning how to manage intense energy and pressure.

Thankfully, he chose the second option and decided to do Yoga instead of drugs.

Thanks to a dedicated yoga practice, the musician could continue to play big shows, without destroying himself in the process. Because he chose to focus on self-care, he’ll likely be around for a long time.

Making space for self-care

Related video:

Now, the first thing I recommended to my client who was struggling with work-related stress was to spend some time with self-care. While this is an ongoing process, here are a few, simple steps you can use if you’d like to do the same:

STEP ONE: Pull out your calendar.

It doesn't matter if your calendar is in a digital or in a physical format.

STEP TWO: Decide what you’d like to do for self-care within the next week.

Would you like to get a massage? Take a walk in the woods? Meditate? Take a nice bath?

Example: “Hmm, I’m noticing how tense my shoulders are because I’ve been sitting at my desk so much. I’d really like a massage. That should help me feel better.”

STEP THREE: Estimate how long this act of self-care will take you and schedule it into your calendar.

If you notice that you don’t have the time for what you’d like to do, find a scaled-down version instead and schedule that into your calendar.

Example: “So, I’d really like to get a 90-minute massage. But with my in-laws visiting and with all the demands at work, there’s no way I could get that done next week.

So, what could I do instead? Oh, I just remembered that the massage place near my work offers 15-minute shoulder massages. I could do that during my lunch break tomorrow. That would work.”

STEP FOUR: Follow through on your self-care appointment.

If something comes up that prevents you from doing it, reschedule to the next possible time.

Example: “Oh, I just realized that I don’t have time for the shoulder massage during my lunch break tomorrow. I promised Nadine I’d help her with her presentation. Let’s see, I could do Friday at noon instead. I’ll call the massage place and ask to reschedule.”

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a rock star, a young professional, or a middle-aged entrepreneur, without taking care of yourself your personal and professional life will eventually suffer.

By investing in your own well-being, you make it much more likely that you’ll have a happy, long and productive career. You can start today, by scheduling your first self-care appointment.

How to Work on Important Things When You’re So Busy Putting out Fires at Work

Thu, 31 May 2018 18:19:26 GMT

"I am so busy. I've just been putting out fires at work."

My client*, a young man with self-described “workaholic” tendencies, was feeling overwhelmed and overstressed. He wondered how he could continue to work on what was really important in the midst of all this pressure at work .

He confided that, once again, he had spent his workday putting our fires. �� (And no, he wasn’t working as a firefighter.)

While he didn’t share his full to-do list with me, I assume that its length was beginning to rival Leo Tolstoy’s novel “War and Peace.” (Without the peace.)

And, he probably lost himself as often in his overcrowded email inbox as in the wife’s eyes.

In short, my client was pretty darn overwhelmed, and with good reason.

His experience is fairly typical for people living in the hectic 21st century.

Perhaps you can relate to the sense of being so busy and constantly putting out fires at work.

Each day, you might confront your “to-dos” with the sort of bravery a knight needs while descending into the dragon’s den. ��

Yet despite your best efforts, maybe you often find that you can’t get through the mountain of “things to do” into the realm of the important. After dealing with all the different action items vying for your attention, you might not have the energy to focus on your real priorities.

What's really going on?

In this situation, we can find the “swamp” principle at play.

According to this principle (that I just discovered), in the absence of conscious prioritization, the urgent will always swamp the important. In other words, as long as urgent tasks exist, the important will inevitably come up short.

Just like, as long as gravity exists, the apple will always fall to the ground. ��

However, unlike Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation, the “swamp” principle can be circumvented.

If you look back to my definition of the "swamp" principle, you will see the innocuous phrase “in the absence of conscious prioritization.” I included this in the definition for a reason:

while the "swamp" principle is strong, conscious prioritization is stronger. ⚠️

It’s similar to having an organized desk. If you just go about life without interfering, an empty desk will become more and more cluttered over time (another version of the "swamp" principle). However, if you take deliberate and regular action to make sure your desk stays neat, you can push back the forces of chaos.

So, what you need to do to make progress on the important is to take deliberate and regular action (aka conscious prioritization) to push back the forces of the urgent to-dos.

But how on earth can you begin taming the to-do dragon?

Glad you asked. Below are a few simple steps to get you started.

Please note that I said these steps are simple, not easy. While the steps themselves are not difficult to understand, applying them to your life is a whole other animal and I would expect some challenges to come up. So, please be kind to yourself in the midst of doing this.

With that being said, here are five steps to begin using the force of conscious prioritization:

1) Discover your swamp-less destination by getting clear on what you want to accomplish long-term. Where do you want to be in your career and in your life? ��

2) Each day (or as many days as possible) take steps towards this destination. Begin by asking yourself before you start your workday: “What is the most important thing I can work on to get closer to where I want to go?” ��

3) Then, before you start your workday, decide how much time you will spend on this important thing. For the first two weeks or so, I would recommend choosing something very manageable, such as 10 minutes per day. ��

4) Whatever else is going on in your work day, spend these 10 minutes each day working on the important, and ignore the swamp of the urgent (it’ll still be there when you’re done). If at all possible, focus on your important work before doing anything else. ��

5) Rinse, lather, and repeat. Over time, you’ll want to increase the time you dedicate to the important. ♻️

That’s it! Take these five steps and you’ll start to take your power back from the swamp.

And, if you think you could use support with this, I'd be happy to help.

You can read more about my services here .

*While the essence of my client's experience is true, some of the details have been altered to protect client confidentiality.

Can You Really Make a Difference in the World?

Tue, 15 May 2018 19:52:32 GMT

Do you sometimes, secretly wish to make a difference but find yourself wondering if that's even possible?

After all, the world is as huge as its problems.

Maybe you sometimes find yourself despairing at the scope of challenges we face.

The dismal conditions many people live in. The suffering that should be avoidable. And the injustices that still happen in the 21st century all over the world.

If you're like many people I know, you really want to change something about this and be of service .

And yet, you might find yourself wondering if your actions really matter. After all, there are over 7.6 billion people in the world. ��

Given this, you might find yourself wondering if anything you do can actually make a difference. And sometimes, you might think that it's perhaps easier to give up than step into your full leadership.

If that is you, take heart. Keep calm and keep reading as we explore why your actions in the world are important.

The powerful movies that shows you can make a difference in the world:

I'd like to share with you a powerful scene from a movie that shows why your actions in the world matter.

The scene I’m referring to is from the movie Cloud Atlas, an epic work by The Wachowskis (who also created the Matrix trilogy) and German director Tom Tykwer.

Before I talk more about the scene, I want to share a few things about the movie itself. (If this is not of interest to you, feel free to skip to the next heading.)

I think the following shows just how many problems its makers faced both before and after production. Keep in mind that this is only an incomplete list:

The movie is based on the novel “Cloud Atlas” by David Mitchell. Mitchell himself considered his book to be “unfilmable.” I guess some people really like a challenge...

"Cloud Atlas" tells a number of different plotlines across six different eras. It's basically six movies for the price of one. And here I was thinking that my Ph.D. topic was overly complex...

Speaking of price, The Wachowskis had a really hard time finding financial support for the movie. Despite their commercial success with their previous works (*coughs* "The Matrix" *coughs*), the press-shy siblings reportedly basically had to beg Warner Bros. for financing. The project was almost abandoned a number of times.

The team's persistence paid off and they eventually secured a $128 million dollar budget for the movie. This was provided by a ragtag crew of independent sources---including Warner Bros., the German government, Asian investors and The Wachowskis themselves (talk about commitment to your art!). It is one of the most expensive independently financed films of all times.

It’s a 3-hour movie that received a mixed reception — some people absolutely loved it (��), others completely disliked it (��). Seriously, if you check the Internet Movie Database (IMDb), you’ll find a lot of 10/10 reviews for this movie— and a many 1/10 ratings. True to form, "Cloud Atlas" is also included on various Best Film and Worst Film lists.

In the spirit of fall disclosure, I absolutely loved the movie.*

Here's the scene that shows why our actions matter, regardless of the circumstances

It’s set in the 19th century in San Francisco.

Adam Ewing and his wife Tilda have just declared that they will travel to the eastern United States to join the Abolitionist movement. After owing his life to a stowaway Moriori slave, Adam wants to join the fight against slavery.

Adam's father-in-law Haskell Moore tries to talk (or rather, threaten) him out of it. He states that there’s a “natural order to things,” that the abolitionists will never succeed and that joining them would be dangerous.

Moore concludes with a line that truly stings and that you might have heard before:

“No matter what you do it will never amount to anything more than a single drop in a limitless ocean.”

Ouch.

But Adam's response is beyond perfect:

“What is an ocean but a multitude of drops?”

And that’s why your actions matter.

Your actions matter because you are a beautiful “drop” in the ocean, an ocean that wouldn't be the same without you in it. Or, how the Persian poet and mystic Rumi put it:

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”

Your actions matter because you matter. You can make a difference. You already are making one.

You're making a difference, it's just impossible to tell how

A lot of the time, you don't know how something you do might affect someone else.

As a whole, "Cloud Atlas" shows how actions can have ripple effects that we might never know about. One sentence in a diary can impact a reader’s life a century later, which in turn might make a difference for yet another person in the future.

This is not a theory.

For instance, do you think Anne Frank knew her diary would be published and that it would have the impact it had? Someone I know benefited immensely from reading this book in its English translation while going through a really hard and traumatic time---and that's something that German-born Anne Frank couldn't have foreseen when she started writing down her thoughts in her native language.

Or do you think Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius would have expected people in the 21st century to benefit from reading the private notes he had written to himself about how to become a better person? Do you think he knew that Latin would become a dead language but that translations of his personal writings would be openly accessible worldwide, for instance, here?

Of course, these are extreme examples because of the historic significance of Anne Frank as a victim of the Holocaust and of Marcus Aurelius as, well, arguably the world's most powerful man at the time.

But the same is true in many other situations, too.

A lot of the things we know about past times come from people who lived a rather normal life. They might have created pots, minted coins or made tombstones---all things which archaeologists now pore over and which tell our generation a lot about what was going on back then.

(Isn't it strange to think that future archaeologists might obsess about your kitchen utensils? Maybe it's time to invest in super-sturdy and everlasting ones... all in the name of science and impressing future generations, obviously.)

Or take the example of cave paintings.

I doubt its creators had any idea what type of impact their actions would have over the millennia. That in the future, a famous artist going by the name of Pablo Picasso would visit the cave of Altamira and reportedly say: "after Altamira, everything is decadence."

I don't think Neanderthal cave painters knew that they would become extinct but that their art would endure. That their work would become the world's oldest cave art and that in 2018, a publication called the New York Times would run an article called "Neanderthals, the World’s First Misunderstood Artists."

Life is mysterious and so are the ways in which you impact people and make a difference in their lives

You have likely touched the lives of people in ways you might never (or only by chance) hear about.

For instance, I once facilitated a course for free. At the time, felt like it had been a failure and a waste of my time. I didn’t think the participants really got a lot out of it or were too happy about how I had facilitated the course. ��

Months later I was at a meeting. A number of the former course participants were also present. Without any prompt, they described how the course had impacted them in extremely positive ways. One person even mentioned how something I had taught in passing had impacted their dealings with a foreign government (!!!). ��

Needless to say, I was beyond surprised and stunned. (And extremely grateful.)

A throwaway comment during something that I thought was a waste of my time had international ripple effects that I would have never known about had I not gone to that meeting. Talk about a learning experience.

And even though I got the praise from this participant, I wasn’t actually the one who came up with all of it. In my throwaway comment, I had referred to something someone had taught me, who in turn had learned it from someone else… ripple effect upon ripple effect upon ripple effect.

This has me wonder what amazing ripples in the ocean you have already set in place, maybe without even intending to.

With heartfelt appreciation,

A fellow drop in the ocean

P.S.: Are there specific ways in which you want to make a difference/impact?

If you want to explore receiving support with that, I invite you to check out my coaching offer here.

* I think the movie received such a mixed reception because it was so avant-garde, blurring the boundaries that movie-goers are used to. It took me an hour warming up to the movie and I was close to stop watching it at some point, but I’m so glad I stuck with it.

I think this movie is a revelation. A celebration of the interconnectedness of things. A harbinger of a new level of development. In other words, I’m not surprised “Cloud Atlas” reportedly received a ten-minute standing ovation at the Toronto Film Festival. ��

How to Improve Your Professional Relationships

Wed, 18 Apr 2018 22:33:22 GMT

Why is it so important to nurture our professional relationships?

Well, would it be okay if I told you something vulnerable?
Yes?
Okay, here we go: it’s a bit weird to say that but my work kind of relies on you.
Yes, you! Even if we have never met or spoken.
How’s that even possible?

You see, right now I’m writing an article. And any self-respecting article wants…readers. Or at least one reader (preferably someone who’s not related to the author).

So, while you are reading this my article is doing a happy dance right now.

Where am I going with all this talk about, erm, dancing articles? (And, more importantly, how do I get the pictures out of my head?)

My point is that most work is dependent on relationships.

Let’s use my own life as an example.

My connection to my coaching clients ? It’s a relationship.
My connection to the lawyers I work with to do something crazy (create a pan-European party from scratch)? A relationship.
My connection to the people who regularly read my articles ? A relationship.

Of course, these are different types of relationships. They have different levels of intimacy and involvement. But at the end of the day, they all involve giving and receiving, offering and taking. Right now, you’re giving my article your time and my article receives your attention. I’m offering advice, which you might decide to take or not.

Now, could my work exist without these relationships? Hmm, let’s see. I obviously couldn’t work as a coach without a client, just as I couldn’t lead a legal team without people who are members of that team. And being a writer without at least one person reading it seems pretty pointless to me. So, it’s safe to say that I couldn’t work without relationships.

How might this apply to your own work life?

Your current work situation might be very different than mine. And yet, chances are that your work is also, at least to an extent, based on interpersonal relationships. (Please tell me if I’m off as I could be completely wrong.)

For instance, does your work depend on connections with customers, employees, supervisors, co-workers, business partners or something of a similar nature?

If so, you might find that some of these are highly rewarding. Perhaps others are so full of tension that you don’t even want to think about them. Either way, they are relationships.

Why is it worth paying attention to the relational aspect of work?

The quality of your professional relationships impacts your happiness at work. After all, people join organizations but leave because of their manager.

This means that a single , important relationship that’s not going well is enough to make people leave their jobs. The bottom line is that it might be worth it to give some care to your professional relationships.

What are practical ways to nurture or improve professional relationships?

STEP 1: Allow yourself to fully get how important personal connections are to your work
The first step is to simply notice that relationships can make your work something you love, or a living hell. (Of course, there’s more to loving your work than just that, but let’s focus on one topic for now).

If most of your professional relationships are good, how would you feel if all the nice people you get along with were suddenly replaced by unfriendly and disagreeable ones? Or, if there’s somebody you have a really hard time with, how much easier would your work life be if your relationship to that person suddenly improved dramatically?

STEP 2: Map your professional relationships that warrant the most attention
We can divide your most important work connections into two categories: the ones that have the highest potential to influence your success, and the ones that have the biggest impact on your happiness.

Which 3 professional relationships are most likely to make or break your success?
For instance, if you’re an employee, your connection to your boss might be one of them. As a business owner, an important client, an employee who’s become your right hand, or a business partner might make that list.

Which 3 professional relationships have the biggest impact on your work happiness?
These might be the same as above, or they could be different ones. For instance, maybe your secretary is so friendly that she simply makes your day? Or your colleague is so ill-mannered that you can’t stand to be around him? Whether the relationships make you a lot happier or cause you a lot of annoyance, list the top ones that impact your emotional state here.

Once you’re done with this, rate each relationship on a scale of 1 (very bad) to 10 (exceptionally well).

STEP 3: Pick one professional connection in each category to focus on for the next month
Choose one relationship from each of these lists that you want to nurture, improve or change within the upcoming month. If you find it hard to decide, simply pick the first one in each category. You can always refocus your energy later.

STEP 4: Decide on the first step you can take to work on your chosen professional relationships

What is a simple step you could take during the next week to nurture, improve or change each relationship that you decided to work on? This could be something really simple, like striking up a conversation with them and really paying attention to what they are saying.

If it’s somebody you don’t see all the time, for instance, an important client, you might decide to pick up the phone or send them a greeting card. Whatever you come up with, make sure that it’s something that feels easy enough for you to do.

If the relationship you’re working on is really toxic and you’ve already tried improving it many different times to no avail, is there a step you could take to reduce the interactions you have with that particular person? Sometimes improving your experience of a the relationship can mean creating more distance in it.

STEP 5: Prepare yourself for review

Schedule a time in your calendar a month from now where you review your professional relationships. At that point, once again rank them on a scale from 1 (very bad) to 10 (exceptionally well). Have there been any changes in the last month, particularly with the relationship you focused on?

This Is How to Be Productive: The Lost Secret

Wed, 11 Apr 2018 16:22:26 GMT

Is there a secret for how to be productive? Let's follow the heroine of our story and see what she discovers!

It was a Saturday, and she had just gotten up. The sun was shining through the windows. She lifted a hand to shield her eyes from the brightness.

She was feeling overwhelmed. This was the last thing she wanted to do. But she had to. She could not fail.

With a sigh, she dragged herself to the kitchen. Postponing the inevitable a bit longer, she prepared herself a coffee.

The clock in the kitchen mercilessly ticked away the seconds she had left. She took a deep breath. It was time. She grabbed the coffee and steered towards the kitchen table.

With a grimace she opened her laptop. Her whole being screamed at her to not do it. But she had a plan, and a mission. She could not fail.

She located the document and clicked open.

A few hours later, she closed the document, feeling defeated.

Pushing through was useless. She had spent the better part of Saturday achieving—nothing.

She had stared at the document, then typed a few sentences only to delete them. She looked up information that she afterwards realized she did not need, and then repeated the whole cycle. And all the work she had intended to do was still undone.

She groaned and buried her head in her hands. How could she get the work done she needed to do?

**1800 YEARS EARLIER*: Apocalypse Then?**

The man kneeled, his head almost touching the ground. “Emperor.” He held up a scroll of parchment with his right hand. “I have come back, bearing the secret you requested.”

“Rise.” The dark voice commanded authority. As did the armed guards.

The man rose up. His clothes were torn and so dirty that you could not tell their original color. Still, his posture made him look as regal as the equestrian lawyer-turned-Emperor who now ordered him around. (Not that the man himself had any prejudices against rulers from lower classes.)

“Give me the scroll.” The Emperor made an impatient gesture.

With a bow, the man handed him the scroll. The Emperor tore of the scroll’s string and unrolled the parchment. He paused for a moment as he examined the parchment. “That’s it?” His voice sounded incredulous.

“Yes, indeed it is. The secret that will keep us flourishing and prospering. The secret that men have died protecting. The secret I recovered from the ancient sage residing in the far mountains. With his last breath, he had me pledge not to waste it.”

“Seize him.” The Emperor called to the guards.

“I don’t understand.” The man looked to the Emperor, while a guard forced his arms behind his back.

“You are ridiculing me. You have taken the secret for yourself. This…this is a joke!” The Emperor threw the parchment on the floor.

“No!” The man tried to lunge in the direction of the parchment but was restrained by the guard.

The parchment landed on the floor. There was only one word written on it: “REQUIES.”

That same day, the parchment was burnt and the man killed. The teaching was lost.

Shortly thereafter, the Emperor was overthrown and executed. After his death, he was declared an enemy of the state.

Eventually, Rome fell.** (see author's note)

PRESENT DAY: Productivity Now?

She woke up, the laptop still in front of her. That had been a very strange dream. She shook her body to diffuse the energy of the dream but it refused to leave.

“Requies. Requies. Requies.” She muttered to herself while placing her hands on the keyboard.

It took only a minute to find the information she needed. “It’s Latin. For rest. Hmm.” She stood up and paced the room. A few rounds later, an insight struck her. Suddenly she realized how to be productive.

“Oooh.” It reminded her of something she had discussed with her coach a while ago. Something about the importance of rest and recovery .

The Lost Secret on How to Be Astoundingly Productive

1. Recognize the importance of rest
Our culture has buried this secret but exertion and rest are two sides of the same coin (a coin called Productivity). You cannot be productive if you don't get sufficient rest. Because our culture is so activity-driven, you will likely forget this at times.

If this happens, ask yourself: how much do you truly get accomplished on days when you are drained and exhausted?

2. Decide to allow yourself rest time
You need to consciously decide to give yourself rest time. If not, you might end up with what I call 'unrestful rest' where you sit in front of a task but get nothing done. Since you think you should be working, you don't allow yourself to relax. But because you are too drained, you're not accomplishing anything either.

Would it not be better to rest instead, and return to the task refreshed?

3. Schedule time to rest into the calendar
The truth is, little happens unless you make time for it in the calendar. If your work deserves a place in your calendar, so does you rest. (Actually, your rest is part of your work because it helps you function at optimal capacity). Take a moment to decide on your rest times and schedule them in your calendar.

Will you take a day off? An hour?

“I’ll take that advice, thank you very much,” the woman thought to herself. There was no need to repeat the mistakes of Roman Emperors, even of the ones who were fellow lawyers.

With a smile, she closed the laptop.

P.S.: Did this intrigue you? I work with clients on how to be more productive and have better work/life-balance.

You can read more about this here.

Author's notes:

* In case it was not obvious, this article is fictional and not purporting to be historically accurate.

The timeline (1800 years ago) would have made Macrinus and his young son Diadumenianus the Emperors at that time. Due to his equestrian background, Macrinus was the first Emperor who was not from the senatorial class. And yes, he was indeed a lawyer.

Macrinus’ story is quite interesting: he was only Emperor for a little over a year (April 217 CE to 8 June 218 CE). Having being proclaimed Emperor while he was in the empire’s Eastern provinces, he spent his entire reign outside of Rome.

Macrinus was overthrown in the Battle of Antioch (8 June 218 CE) and later executed, a fate he shared with his son. After their deaths, the Senate declared them enemies of Rome (obviously not for the reasons conjured up in this article!) and had their names struck from the records.

** The last Western Roman Emperor, Romulus Augustulus, was deposed in 476 CE by the Germanic leader Odoacer, which is commonly seen as the end of the Western Roman Empire. In other words, no Empires were harmed in the creation of this article.

This Is How to Make the Right Decision

Wed, 21 Feb 2018 03:20:32 GMT

When you have different options, you might ask yourself how to make the right decision.

Unfortunately, the biggest decisions are often the hardest to make, as if your decision-making skill somehow magically decreases the higher the stakes are.

For instance, I talked to someone the other day who wanted to make a huge professional change but wasn't sure if it was the right time now or if it would be better to wait. It seemed like a big choice for that person which made the decision all the harder to make.

While I can't tell people what decision is the right one for them, I can guide them through a process that helps them discover and follow their own path.

But first things first.

How do people frequently go about making decisions in an unhelpful way?

Often, what we see in the world is either an overly rational or overly instinctual decision-making process.

People who follow the overly rational approach tend to create long lists of pros and cons and engage in head-based analysis. This often leads to getting stuck in a loop and replaying the “what ifs” about the different options repeatedly. While this approach doesn’t lead to rash, inconsiderate actions, the prolonged indecisiveness that often goes along with it can be painful.

People who follow the overly instinctual approach don’t really stop to think, but instead just move into action. While this approach leads to an outcome more quickly and doesn’t include a prolonged period of indecisiveness, the consequences of the chosen path of action are not thought out. This is perfectly appropriate for a small child (or feline), but not for an adult.

The main reason underneath these two unbalanced approaches is that most people have never learned how to consider different perspectives at the same time. As a result, people think that they either need to let their heads or their instincts make the decision.

What’s a better approach for coming to a decision?

The simplest and most powerful approach for making important personal decisions was developed by Dr. Brian Whetten, an Executive Coach with a Silicon Valley background. For reasons that will soon become clear, he called his framework “Yes Yes Hell No.”

Here's how to make the right decision with this approach:

1. Understand that you have distinct inner components

The first step to moving through any kind of inner impasse is to realize that all of us have distinct inner components.

Often, an inner conflict comes from two or more of these components being in conflict. For instance, a typical inner conflict is the one between someone’s “inner health nut” and “inner couch potato,” arguing about whether one should go for a run or eat a bag of chips instead.

When it comes to inner decision making, the main inner components you need to be aware of are your intuition, your reason, and your fear.

These components make themselves “heard” in different ways:

>> Your intuition can show up as a sense that you're on the right track or that something lights you up,
>> Your reason is typically balanced, calm, and nuanced,
>> Your fear often shows up in the form of anxiety or resistance.

2. Understand the different perspectives of your various aspects—and what comprises a great decision

Once you become more aware of your intuition, reason, and fear as separate aspects of yourself, the next step is to realize that they tend to have a distinct perspective on any decision you want to make.

In any decision you make, they may either tell you, “Yes, do it,” or, “No, don’t do it.”

Sometimes, these three components come to the same conclusions which makes decision making easy. To use an absurd example, my intuition, reason, and fear alike are clear that becoming a lion tamer would be a terrible lifestyle choice for me. In contrast, my intuition, reason, and fear agree that eating healthy food is a good lifestyle choice for me.

Decision making becomes tricky when there’s disagreement among your intuition, reason, and fear.

And that’s exactly where the “Yes Yes Hell No” concept comes in. According to this idea, a great decision often looks like the following: Your intuition is on board with it (first yes ) , your reason agrees that it makes logical sense (second yes ) —and your fear tells you to run the other way (hell no).

3. Understand that under certain circumstances, fear can be a sign that you are on the right track

To make great decisions, it’s crucial that you understand that fear is not always a sign that you shouldn’t do something.

In cases of actual danger (such as a fire or somebody attacking you with a knife), it’s obviously imperative to listen to you fear and get as far away from any threats as possible.

However, there are also situations which trigger people’s fears that don’t represent any real danger. For instance, a person who has had their heart broken many times may be terrified to hear the words, “I love you,” from somebody who cares about them and wants to be in relationship with them. Somebody who has been avoiding the limelight may be scared to receive an award, a promotion, or another form of success and recognition.

You become a great decision maker when you learn how to distinguish these two distinct types of fears and make your fear work for you .

As Amit Kalantri put it: “In the matters of your life, don’t take orders; take decisions.” By keeping in mind the above, you significantly increase your chances of making a decision that has a positive impact on your life.

A version of this article was first published on elephant journal here .

Is It Time for You to Love Your Work?

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 20:13:13 GMT

Do you love your work?

The relationship we have with our work is one of the most important relationships of our lives.

It’s a relationship that, on average, people might invest 80,000 hours of their lives into. And sadly, it appears to be one of the worst relationships people have.

For instance, according to the Gallup's State of the Global Workplace report, 85 percent of workers worldwide are not engaged or are actively disengaged at work.

If you are wondering what that means economically, the reported consequence of this is approximately $7 trillion in lost productivity. Even more importantly to me, this finding indicates that people spend the most valuable resource they have (a large portion of their lifetime) doing something they don’t love and would choose not to do if given the choice.

In other words, for most people, love and work are completely unrelated.

This is a problem on a massive scale and one that nobody can legitimately claim to resolve in a short article. When I work with people on bridging the gap between love and work, I expect this process to take months. In reality, bringing our love to our work is a lifelong journey so the most an article such as this one can do is provide a rough map for that quest.

That said, here are a few pointers for the journey of bringing love and work together:

1. Acknowledge the importance of work for its own sake

If the popularity of advice relating to passive income and early retirement is any indication, many people see work only as something that we do to pay the bills.

If you’re overworked and stuck in an unhappy career, it’s understandable that you might dream of retiring and spending the rest of your life lounging on an exotic beach. However, in my experience of working with individuals in that situation, there’s an innate drive in most humans to feel a sense of purpose and to make a contribution. Once overworked people feel restored after having enough downtime, the desire to meaningfully participate in society through work tends to emerge.

And this innate drive is simply not fulfilled by spending one’s entire life on a beach (unless one decides to become a lifeguard).

It is for this reason that it’s to our benefit to acknowledge the importance of work for its own sake.

Viktor Frankl ---psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, founder of logotherapy , and author of the best-selling book Man’s Search for Meaning ---also had a strong opinion on the subject: "[t]here is nothing in the world [...] that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life."

And one of the three ways he identifies as allowing one to discover this meaning in life is: work.

2. Realize that love and work can go together

After recognizing the importance of work for its own sake (and not only as a means to pay bills), the next step is to realize that love and work can actually go together.

While there are many ways to express the interconnection between love and work, I’ve never seen a more beautiful one than this short phrase by the poet and writer Khalil Gibran : "Work is love made visible."

In his poem On Work , Gibran also states that “all work is empty save when there is love” and describes working with love in the following way: “It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.”

Now---what would it be like to consider the possibility that work can be approached this way?

3. Recognize that love is good business

The next step in the journey is to recognize why it’s helpful to bring love to your work.

It might seem that the benefits of this are primarily internal---for instance, by making one’s professional life more fulfilled. Of course, that by itself might make it worth it to bring work and love together.

However, as leadership expert Steve Farber accurately points out, “Love is good business.”

In other words, there are tangible material and financial benefits that result from approaching work from a place of love. These can include higher productivity as well as better client satisfaction and retention. Approaching work from a place of love might even reduce certain risks, given that a weak relationship between patient and doctor reportedly puts a physician at a higher likelihood of being sued for medical malpractice.

To give a practical example of the immense impact that love can have on one’s work: when a business owner I coached focused on bringing love to work, it not only increased her own work happiness but led to higher employee productivity and increased revenue within two weeks.

4. Explore if and what professional changes might be required

While we can apply the previous steps in any work environment, it’s also true that external changes, such as looking for a new job or career, might be required to take the next step on the journey of bringing love and work together.

If you find that this is the case for you, it’s good to acknowledge this need for adjustment without unduly rushing the process. Making these external changes generally takes time---often more than we are comfortable with---and might also require getting help from others.

In addition to seeking whatever support you need, it is also helpful to give yourself sufficient time to discover what could allow you to more fully bring your love to your work.

P.S.: If you need help, I'm available for you .

How to Manifest What You Want When It's Important

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 21:51:49 GMT

There are many instructions on how to manifest the things you want. Thanks to the "The Secret," there are more resources on the law of attraction than one knows what to do with. And, quite frankly, many of them are ungrounded and unrealistic.

Is positive thinking and acting as if something is already true by itself really enough to draw that very thing into your life? To me, this sounds like the epitome of wishful thinking.

So how does manifestation look like in real life? Well, have you ever waited for something (for instance, meeting a new partner or finding a new job) for a long time? And has it ever happened to you that you finally got what you desperately wanted just after you gave up on it?

In these situations, one might think that the excess importance you gave to your wish repelled the very thing you wanted to receive. But how can that be remedied? After all, it's not exactly helpful to learn how to manifest if that only works for stuff that you don't really care about that much, is it?

For starters, it can be helpful to remember a quote which is ( somewhat inaccurately ) attributed to Oscar Wilde: “Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

The challenge with taking something overly serious is that it often creates a cycle of negative feedback. And negative feedback cycles are notoriously hard to break.

That said, here are 3 keys for moving beyond them so that you can get what you most want---even when it's important:

1. Strengthening your awareness muscle

The first step to changing anything is awareness.

If you don’t know that something is happening, how could you even dream of changing it? Let’s assume you were walking down a road, fell down a huge manhole and found yourself alive and well in a dark hole. Most likely, you would immediately start looking for a way out of the situation.

However, in real life, people sometimes find themselves in a metaphorical “dark hole” that is a lot sneakier. Because their descent into this place doesn’t involve obvious falls or accidents, it can be difficult for them to realize what is happening. This lack of realization then prolongs the time spent in an uncomfortable situation.

The key to moving beyond stuckness quickly is to become aware of when it is happening. In other words, one needs to strengthen one's “awareness muscle,” for instance through practicing mindfulness.

Because it’s always easier to see other people’s blind spots than our own, it can also be helpful to have someone that holds you accountable, such as a coach or a mastermind group.

2. Learn to manage the polarity between seriousness and playfulness

It's also helpful to learn the art of polarity management.

Polarities are mutually dependent and seem like exact opposites (for instance freedom and commitment, or ambition and relaxation).

With polarities, if we lean too far in one direction, we tend to run into challenges. For instance, taking something overly seriously can make us tense up, which can lead to more mistakes. On the other hand, being too playful and relaxed can also lead to errors because you might pay less attention to what you are doing.

The key is to find the right dosage at any given time.

When I once experienced a short bout of writer's block (because I pressured myself too much to be creative), the solution was found in becoming more relaxed and playful. This included remembering what I had learned about the creative process through the years. For instance, about the benefits of giving oneself permission to write a “sh* tty first draft” and to withhold one’s own criticism until the editing stage of said draft.

However, a playful approach is not always the solution. If you’ve been overdoing the relaxation in an area of your life, maybe the way forward lies in taking things more seriously.

3. Befriend your fear to find your courage

As Henri Matisse said, “Creativity takes courage.”

The same is true for many other things in our lives that we care about. Often, the more we care about something, the more courage we need to go for it. The problem is that you can’t will yourself to have courage through pressure.

You may have noticed that trying to suppress fear doesn’t work very well. In fact, attempting to squash fear often increases it. This increase can then cause one to try even harder to fight one’s fear, with dismal results. In short, an attempt to suppress fear can create a cycle of negativity.

The way out of that loop is to change your relationship to your fear . Our society typically sees fear as an enemy that needs to be fought (and, of course, fear fights back). The better choice is to see fear as an adviser and make an effort to befriend it.

Strengthening your awareness muscle, managing polarities, and befriending your fear all help you to avoid affording excess importance to something in life.

After all, as Elbert Hubbard so helpfully pointed out: “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

A version of this article was first published on elephant journal here .

How to Find the Best Goals in Life

Sat, 30 Dec 2017 11:12:22 GMT

What are your goals in life? Today is a great day to reflect on your goals and boldly decide who you would like to become going forward.

Melody Beattie put the magic of New Year's Eve this way: "The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.' Of course, this is true at any time of year! You can decide that right now is the beginning of a new chapter, of a new year for you.

But how can you decide which stories are worth telling in the year ahead? In other words, how do you decide which resolutions, intentions, or goals are worth pursuing?

These three tests can help you identify the best goals in life:

1. Does your goal pass the "Yes, Yes, Hell No"-test?

This framework was developed by Executive Coach Brian Whetten and it's not only great for goal-setting but also for decision-making (yay!) . It's based on the idea that there are three main perspectives that you need to consider:

your intuition,
your reason, and
your fear.

However, these three perspectives can be in conflict and they might want to take you into different directions!

For instance, let’s assume you wanted to take up ballroom dancing in the next year. While you might feel excited about this (indicating that your intuition is on board with this idea), your fear may lead you to come up with a number of reasons why pursuing this goal would be a truly terrible idea (What if I don’t find a dance partner? What if I injure myself ? What if I have too much work to do?).

That's your different perspectives arguing with each other!

So, how do you handle your internal civil war and decide on what to do? Well, you can trust that you're moving into the right direction if your goal receives a “Yes, Yes, Hell No” response:

Your intuition lights up around it (the first “yes”)
Your reason thinks that pursuing this goal makes logical sense, which may include checking that it fulfills the SMART criteria for goals (the second “yes”)
Your fear tells you to run the other way (the “hell no”)

“Yes, Yes, Hell No” goals in life are amazing because they are aligned with what you care most about. They also help you to grow by stretching you out of your comfort zone —all while making sense from a rational point of view.

2. Does your goal passes the "triple bottom line" test?

I first heard about the “triple bottom line” concept from author and speaker Dawn Clark. It states that you need to check three levels when you're evaluating whether or not a goal is auspicious—the impact of the goal on you, those around you, and the world at large.

An outstanding goal is:

Good for you (“I”),
Good for those around you (“Us”), and
Good for the world (“All of Us”).

Because this framework encourages you to look at all these levels, it can make your goals more balanced.

By keeping both interests of the individual and the (smaller and larger) whole in mind, you can ensure that you neither choose resolutions that are good for those around you but not good for you (I will always cook dinner for my partner, no matter how tired I feel) , nor pursue goals for merely egotistical reasons ( I will finally run a marathon just so that I can look down on everyone else who hasn’t ).

To be precise, the triple bottom line is often more about your motivation for something than it is about the goal itself.

To give you an example, let’s assume someone’s goal was to read three books per month. While at first glance this might seem like a commendable intention, whether or not this is a worthy resolution would actually depend entirely on this person’s motivation for doing so.

If they wanted to read them to broaden their horizon, share the information with interested people around them, and use it to inform their actions in the world, pursuing this goal would be good for the person, those around them, and the world.

In contrast, if they wanted to read more to consistently escape reality, show off one’s newly acquired knowledge in a condescending way, or learn how to get away with doing unethical things, it would be a bad goal.

3. Does your goal pass the "willing to make it happen"-test?

Once you’ve found a goal that is both a “Yes, Yes, Hell No” and a “triple bottom line” goal, the remaining question is this: are you willing to do what it takes to make it happen?

You can even rank your commitment to that goal on a scale of 1 (not interested in pursuing this) to 10 (whatever it takes to make this happen).

If you come up with a low number (under 7), I would recommend either scrapping the goal altogether or find a way to increase your level of commitment to it.

A goal without sufficient commitment on your part is but a wish—and I personally think your energy is better spent elsewhere than on personal goals you don’t care enough about to make happen.

Realizing that something is just not important enough for you to pursue wholeheartedly often brings a clarity that can feel incredibly freeing. Scrapping a goal that doesn’t excite you can give you the space to find one that truly does feel worth your investment.

Sometimes, you can be committed to a goal, but it can feel challenging to accomplish it by yourselves. If this happens to you, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your goals. To the contrary, it often happens when you choose goals that are really a stretch for you—which is common for “Yes, Yes, Hell No” goals. In that case, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to do it by yourself and that it’s totally understandable to seek external support.

And if you realize that you have found a goal that you’re fully committed to making it happen—congratulations on a worthy intention, and best of luck writing the upcoming chapter of your life!

A version of this article was first published in Elephant Journal here .

5 Quick Lessons About Betrayal of Trust

Tue, 14 Mar 2017 00:00:00 GMT

A betrayal of trust is typically an emotionally devastating experience.

When this happens to people, it can take them a long time before they open themselves up to others again.

Are there lessons to be learned from such a betrayal of trust? Who are the people we should rely on? And, is there perhaps a way to reduce the likelihood of being disappointed in relationships or having one’s trust broken?

Well, a few years ago, I had a chance to reflect on these questions.

At a friend’s recommendation, I was watching the British miniseries The Honourable Woman .

Its main character Nessa Stein (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal) is a successful and highly traumatized businesswoman.

In this spy thriller, everybody is betraying everybody else — including Nessa — all the time. (It’s a spy thriller, after all.)

Watching all the betrayals in the show created an eerie feeling in my stomach.

Life imitating art

Just as I had expressed to my husband that I did not enjoy the show (too gloomy…), the phone rang.

Via this phone call, I discovered that someone whose advice I trusted a lot had broken the trust of others in significant ways.

When I found out what X had allegedly done, my mind initially didn’t process the information. It just did not fit together. “What?” My tone was incredulous, upon hearing what seemed to have happened. “Why?”

I had relied on this person’s personal advice in a challenging situation. X had been really helpful and now I was asking myself to what an extent I could trust their guidance.

For a while, I felt sick to my stomach. I could not understand why someone so amazing could do something as hurtful to other people as it appeared to be.

And yet, the evidence suggested that this was what had happened.

In the midst of this internal process, I found myself relating more to Nessa’s difficult situation and her conclusion: it is a wonder we trust anyone at all.

Art imitating life

Thus, a few hours after expressing my discontent about The Honourable Woman to my husband, I found myself sitting eagerly in front of the screen with him, watching the intro to the last episode.

This time, I could not help but let the now familiar words of Nessa resonate through me, in a whole new way: “Who do you trust? How do you know?”

It was like taking a day trip to a place I used to live at but that I left a long time ago.

Here are five key insights that I gained from that experience:

1. Trust is a complex is a complex issue

Trust and whom to trust is a deeply personal question.

Do you trust your family?
Your partner?
Your friends?

Do you trust… yourself?

With the people who make your “trust list,” why do you feel you can trust them? Is it a shared history, or a gut feeling?

Often, the reasons why we trust someone are complex.

It can be hard to express them even to yourself.

2. It’s important to trust others

If you want to live a happy life, there is no real alternative to trusting others.

Without a basic sense of trust, we could not even leave our house or get behind the wheel of a car.

That’s why I don’t agree with Nessa’s conclusion that it’s a wonder we trust anyone at all.

3. It’s important to trust wisely

You want to trust others wisely, ot blindly .

Trust in others is as necessary as discernment.

Not everybody has your best interests in mind all the time. When people overlook alarm signals, they are betraying themselves.

4. It’s important to trust oneself

The importance of trust is even more pronounced in one’s relationship with oneself. Since you’re the person behind the steering wheel of your life, it’s crucial that you trust yourself and your own discernment.

5. It’s important to heal

This is the master lesson that unlocks all other ones.

People who have been hurt need to heal in order to be able to trust others, to trust their own discernment and to trust themselves. There is no magical epiphany that will resolve someone’s trust issues for good.

Trust does not respond well to a “fake it until you make it” approach.

Without appropriate healing work, someone who has been betrayed will probably once again find themselves in situations that break their trust.

Healing makes betrayal much less likely. It might well be impossible for someone to create a trustworthy environment if they haven't healed their underlying issues and negative repeating patterns .

I believe that patterns of betrayal don't play themselves out in my life anymore is that I have done so much healing work. While this hasn't always been easy, it's way better than the alternative.

Healing work might be more uncomfortable temporarily but it will improve one's life in the long run.

So, what happened?

I won’t spoil the show The Honorable Woman for you by giving away the ending.

In my own life, significantly less dramatic situation here’s what happened: ultimately, the whole thing didn’t have a huge impact on my life. (I was not personally hurt by what X had done — X had actually helped me a lot.)

It took a bit but the shock wore off, without a lasting impact. Once it did, I was back in my world, a world that is the exact opposite of Nessa’s.

In my world, my trust had been shaken up for a moment but not compromised long-term.

A few weeks later, it also turned out that there had been mitigating factors which to some extent explained — but not excused — the behavior of X.

Because some people stated that X had betrayed their trust, I decided to take time to re-evaluate my relationship to X.

At the end of this re-evaluation, I still trusted others and life. Not blindly, but wisely.

And even more importantly, I still trusted myself.

This article was first published on Elephant Journal here .

How to Increase Your Work and Life Fulfillment

Fri, 09 Sep 2016 20:32:08 GMT

Many people would like to have more work and life fulfillment.

For instance, I recently talked to a new client, let’s call her Elise (not her real name). She reached out to me because she was doubting her career path. While she made a good income, she also wanted to find her work meaningful.

My client’s dilemma is pretty common, and maybe you can relate to it, too.

Perhaps, instead of dreading the idea of staying in your current work for the indefinite future, you would love to feel excited about getting up Monday morning to work on something that you really care about.

However, if you’re like many people, this might sound like a dream — something that only happens to someone who gets really lucky.

What’s really going on ��

I’ve noticed that there’s a deeper reason why passionate and engaging people face challenges in being truly happy with their career path. Often, a particular pattern stops them from going for what they fin most fulfilling.

At its core, this pattern is based on the common cultural belief that people have to choose between outside success (money) and inside success (meaning) .

According to this belief, you can either have:

a) a financially rewarding, but emotionally unfulfilling, career ��(“good employee” archetype), or

b) live your passion, but be in a precarious financial situation ��(“starving artist” archetype).

For instance, those who choose the first option may feel like their path is slowly suffocating their soul. In this situation, they may either decide to stay on their current path for financial reasons or, alternatively, they may decide to “take the plunge” by following their heart.

Yet once they have chosen option b) instead, they often find themselves worrying about their ability to pay the bills.

Moving beyond this dilemma ��

Whenever you are stuck between two bad choices, you don’t really have a choice; you have a dilemma.

In the dilemma of money or meaning, that third choice consists of refusing to choose and going on the adventure of bringing outside success (money) and inside success (meaning) together.

Building a life on the basis of this third option does not happen overnight. It’s a process and — fair warning — you can expect challenges on the way.

I call the third option the path of true success and real life fulfillment — and it’s a path that is unique to you. ❄️

There is no simple cookie-cutter formula you can follow, as true success depends on your own definition and therefore can look vastly different from person to person.

For one person, it can mean living one’s passion on the side while getting their income from doing other work. Some people may simply wish to make certain changes in their current work to have it be more fulfilling, whereas others may want to create a whole new career.

Here is a short process to get you started on this path towards more happiness in work and life:

1. Identify where you are in the dilemma between money or meaning ��

If the pattern I described above resonated with you, the first step is to identify which side of the dilemma you currently find yourself on.

Chances are that you already know but if you don’t, these questions might help:

- Do you love what you are doing, but have less financial security than you would like?
- Do you feel okay with your finances but not passionate about what you do?
- Or do you feel you have neither money nor meaning in your life?

For instance, in the case of my new client, it was pretty obvious to her that she felt good about her finances but didn’t feel passionate about her work.

2. Identify what area to focus on ��

Once you have clearly identified the area that could be improved, the next step is to figure out what to change.

--> So, if you have money but little meaning in your life, the key is to focus on anything that brings you more purpose.

One simple first step to doing this is to engage in weekly artist dates — reserving two hours every week just to do something that feels like play.

This exercise by author Julia Cameron helps you to reconnect with your inner creativity.

--> In contrast, if you do work you love but are financially insecure, focus on ways to create more money.

This could mean exploring strategies to grow your business (if you are self-employed) or finding side hustles and different ways of generating income.

--> If you find yourself in a place where you have neither money nor meaning in your life, it can be difficult to work on both areas at the same time.

In this situation, it is generally easier to focus on creating more money first and bringing in meaning later, because financial security is a more basic human need than self-actualization.

It can also be hard to give yourself permission to really explore what lights you up if you are concerned about paying the bills. Focusing on bringing in money first gives you access to a range of resources you might otherwise not have, such as courses that allow you to explore your passion or other forms of support, such as coaching .

Have you decided which area to focus on? Good. Let’s move on.

For instance, in the case of my new client, she decided to focus on exploring what could bring more meaning into her life (which included starting to blog about a topic she felt really passionate about).

3. Decide on one baby step ��

Now that you have decided which area to focus on (either bringing more money or more meaning to your life), choose one baby step you can take into this direction.

A baby step is anything that takes less than 5 minutes to complete and doesn’t require extensive preparation.

Why do I insist on baby steps?

Well, the habit of thinking too big without taking action tends to paralyze people. Whenever you don’t know what you should do to move closer toward your goal, it’s likely that you’re thinking too big.

In this situation, the best thing you can do is to start taking baby steps. One small baby step that you take is better than a giant leap you never make.

As Paulo Coelho advises us, “When in doubt, just take the next small step.” That small step may be a phone call, an internet search, or an email.

So how do you find out what baby step you could take? The best thing to do is to simply ask yourself the question “What is one small step I can take now?”

And to then take that step. Today. If it’s too big to take it today, make it smaller.

For instance, in my client’s case, her baby step was to decide on a topic for her first blog post. It wasn’t to write the whole blog post, or publish it. All that she had to do to complete her baby step is to decide what she would write about.

When you get clear on where you are in the money-or-meaning dilemma, commit to moving beyond it and take consistent baby steps, you will soon find yourself creating your very own path of true success and fulfillment.

Should You Take the Plunge to Follow Your Big Dreams?

Fri, 09 Sep 2016 20:32:08 GMT

How far should you go for your big dreams?

Imagine you’re in the midst of a robbery. The masked villain is pointing a gun at you, saying a phrase you’ve heard a gazillion times in movies.

Except, you suddenly realize that the phrase is not quite the same. This particular gun-wielding baddie shouts:

“Your money or your life purpose!”

As a coach, I notice that that’s how many people feel when it comes to their work.

It feels like they have to make an impossible choice: having financial security or following their hearts .

For instance, a while ago I talked to a young accountant. She asked herself if she should take “the plunge” and leave her job.

Even though she had a successful career, her heart was not in her work and she wanted to start her own business instead.

And yet, it was hard for her to come to a decision. Should she really leave her successful career to try something completely different, with no guarantee that it would work out?

This is a common question that people in her situation have.

When you’re in that place, it is as if your “inner realist” and your “inner optimist” are fighting with each other about what to do.

“Don’t quit!” advises the inner realist. “Do it! Take the plunge!” shouts the inner optimist.

So which of these voices should you listen to? Let’s examine each of their arguments.

The inner realist’s perspective: “Don’t quit!”

The inner realist doesn’t want you to hand in your notice to follow your big dreams until you have a better alternative at hand.

This voice points out that financial security is ever-important: You have to prepare for retirement, pay for health insurance and meet your basic needs. If other people are dependent on you, you also need to be able to provide for them.

In short, you have to be realistic about what to do with your life because you have responsibilities.

To further complicate things, your current and future responsibilities exist alongside past decisions. Many times, the circumstances of your current reality have been set in place a long time ago and do not adequately reflect who you are today.

Given all this, your inner realist advises you that the best thing you might do for yourself and for the ones you love is to keep your current job. This can, according to the inner realist, lead to rewards further down the road.

The inner optimist’s perspective: “Take the plunge!”

Your inner optimist points out that if you listen to the realist’s perspective, you’ll likely put off your dreams indefinitely.

Just as the time is never right to have a child, your inner optimist explains, the time will never be right to make a drastic career change to follow your true passion.

Thus, your inner optimist advises you to make a radical change right away — to simply hand in your notice.

An adage the inner optimist strongly resonates with is: “Do what you love and the money will follow.” To back this up, your inner optimist has compiled an impressive list of people who successfully build their dream lives.

Unlike your inner realist, your inner optimist encourages you to follow your heart and pursue your dreams. But is there possibly a smarter, more effective way of doing it?

As is often the case in life, there is a middle way.

To learn more about it, let us turn our attention to the inner sage.

The inner sage’s recommendation: “Find the middle way by making room for rationality and mystery"

The inner sage advises you to be both prudent and daring.

The inner sage advises you to be both prudent and daring. Your inner sage asks you to follow your dreams without taking excessive risks. Take, for instance, a business consultant who completes a coach certification program in his free time and starts building his new business on the side.

While the inner sage cares about making rational choices, it also asks you to be aware of something that is rarely mentioned.

That missing aspect is the mystery-of-it-all.

Often, when people consider making any big change in their lives, they approach it with their rational minds only.

However, as your inner sage points out, things may be less in your control than you think they are.

The work that’s yours to do is sometimes referred to as your “calling.” Your inner sage likes this word because being “called” has a passive/receptive aspect to it. While parts of your journey require action taking, sometimes you need to get out of the driver’s seat.

The truth is that it is impossible to foresee what will happen once you start following your own path.

Your inner sage reminds you that before you make a big change, you can only assume how things will develop. When you actually start following your path, there is often noticeable support for you.

This is different from the inner optimist’s naïve assumption that success will surely come, an assumption that’s based on entitlement.

How then, do you live this in reality? For this, let’s turn to the inner pathfinder .

The inner pathfinder's recommendation: “Walk the path, one step at a time"

The inner pathfinder asks you to pay attention to the signs you’re receiving as they can help point you in the right direction.

These signs can come in the form of positive support (great feedback and encouragement from others) or negative support (your current situation becomes intolerable, forcing you to move out of it).

According to the inner pathfinder, there are no easy answers when someone asks: “Should I hand in my notice to follow my dreams?”

The inner pathfinder knows that this is not a question to be answered, but a path to be walked.

By acknowledging that this is a path and not a singular event, the inner pathfinder alerts you that “taking the plunge” is but one potential step on your way.

The important thing, in the eyes of the inner pathfinder, is to start walking that path. A path that will become clearer as you walk it.

Thus, your inner pathfinder proposes to change the question to: “What is one step you can do today to pursue your dreams?”

And to take that one step.

One day at a time.

This article was first published on elephant journal here .

How to Find Your Soulmate (It's Counterintuitive Advice)

Mon, 15 Aug 2016 00:00:00 GMT

When you're trying to find your soulmate, you might go through periods of despair.

Maybe you've been in bad relationships before or maybe you've never really let anyone close. It could be that all the potential partners you have met simply seemed incapable of truly understanding you in a deep way.

This might leave you with the choice of either resigning yourself to an unfulfilling relationship or just giving up on relationships altogether. Either way, you don't experience the special connection you truly want from a soulmate and maybe feel alone, regardless of how well things might be going for you in your life.

To help you understand why your search for your soulmate might not have been successful so far and what to do instead, let's first look at the things you might have already tried to find that special someone.

To deal with the challenge of finding love, you might have tried various things—online dating, friends playing the matchmaker, focusing on other areas of your life (such as your career or your friendships), lowering your expectations, reading books about relationships, or simply hoping that the issue would somehow resolve itself.

The reason why these approaches might not have given you the results you wanted is that you likely were focused on "finding" the right person to be with. But, as Vironika Tugaleva points out, "a soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized."

That's how it was for me. While I was searching for the right person, my soul mate was already in my life. I just didn't realize it. It took me years to recognize that one of my acquaintances - a friend of friends - was my ideal partner.

Perhaps that's not surprising, given the nonsense our culture teaches us about soulmates: they're a perfect person and our reason for existing, we will fall in love with them at first sight, and then live happily ever after. In real life, things look different. Let me share a more realistic way of thinking about soulmates.

What is a soulmate?

For the longest time, I didn’t quite get what it meant, despite being married to a soul mate (I believe people have more than just one soulmate who could be a potential partner for life).

Then I had an epiphany!

I realized that the second part of the term “soulmate” doesn’t matter. We could replace “mate” with something else, without changing the meaning of the term “soulmate.” For instance, the German language uses the term “soul relative” (Seelenverwandter) instead.

Clearly, it’s not about the “mate” element. No, the true significance of the term lies in the word “soul.”

If we tried to replace the word “soul,” we would change the term’s meaning. Thus, to understand what we’re getting ourselves into when we meet our soul mate, we need to slow down and focus on the soul aspect.

How do you recog nize and find your soulmate?

By definition, it's impossible to find someone who qualifies as a soulmate without getting more strongly in touch with our own soul in the process. If someone doesn't want to get into deeper contact with their own soul (as is the case for most protagonists in romantic movies and books), what they are really looking for is something that I call "egomate."

This may sound like a trivial insight. Needing to get more in contact with our soul may seem like a small price to pay for a beautiful relationship with our ideal partner.

But people often aren't even aware of the rift that exist between their soul and their ego, and getting in touch with one's soul may be uncomfortable and truly confronting to the ego's security and safety.

The clash between the desire of people's souls and their ego may show up in many areas of their lives. For instance, while a person's ego may want to have a fancy house and car, their soul's most important life goal may be to be of service in the world. Thus, the question of who gets to call the shots - soul or ego? - has practical consequences for your entire life.

Your soul and your ego exist in different realities. Unless these two aspects of yourself are in complete harmony, the distinction between an egomate and a soulmate has large ramifications for your life.

How to tell if someone is your egomate

To recognize your soulmate, you first need to be able to identify if someone is your "egomate."

While that term might sound harsh and judge-y, I intend it as a neutral description. Some forms of spirituality shame the ego or try to transcend it. However, our ego is not the enemy. It is part of what makes us who we are and helps us function in the world.

What I mean by egomate is simply someone whom your ego approves of and finds attractive. Realizing that someone is your egomate is not a judgment on them as a person. It only describes the role they fulfill in relation to you. Your egomate may be someone else's soulmate and vice versa.

An ego mate does not fundamentally threaten our current way of being in the world by getting us in touch with deeper aspects of ourselves. A relationship with an egomate is more superficial, which makes it easier for people to get involved with them.

When people are in a relationship with an egomate, they may find that they don't grow spiritually and emotionally. As a result of this, the relationship may become stale after the initial infatuation wears off.

That said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in an egomate relationship. Finding an egomate allows someone to enjoy the company of another person without going through an intense transformation that they might not want at this point.

How to tell if someone is your soulmate

A soulmate is someone who gets you more into contact with your soul.

Since almost everyone experiences at least some (conscious or unconscious) conflict between the desires of their soul and those of their ego, this is not as romantic as it sounds.

Unlike our ego, our soul can take intense growth and transformation. Being in a long-lasting relationship with a true soulmate tends to give us exactly that. While this is ultimately for our best, the transformation it unleashes can be terrifying.

Often, a romantic interest who gets someone in contact with their soul brings up more resistance than an egomate. This could be because people intuit the "danger" that a soulmate represents to their sense of identity and their established way of being.

This has certainly been my experience. While my previous relationships didn't turn me into a fundamentally different person, my marriage to my soulmate sure did.

Depending on where you are in your life and in your own journey, you may not wish to embark on that type of relationship right now. And that is perfectly okay. A soulmate might be the wrong person for you right now. If you realize that you're not ready for the transformation they would bring, that's a good thing! It shows that you are honest with yourself.

But what if you wish to get ready? Well, to find (or recognize) your soul mate, find your soul.

7 practices that can help you find your soulmate

If you wish to find your soulmate, you can prepare yourself by getting more in touch with your soul, for instance by

doing things that "light you up" and feel like play to you,
meditating or doing other things that get you in touch with your inner stillness ,
journaling about who you are,
striving to express your authentic self as much as possible,
having deep conversations with people who are open to that,
getting clear on what you most desire in life , and
disengaging from the ego, for instance by questioning your conditioning, trying something new, and embracing deep change.

All of these practices help you connect more with your soul. And that matters because, as Charles F. Glassman so accurately put it: "Before you find your soul mate, you must first discover your soul."

A version of this article was first published on elephant journal here.

If you want more help in living a soul-based life, join my email list below. :)

How to Get Through an Intense Life Change

Wed, 09 Mar 2016 00:00:00 GMT

A huge life change can be exciting: Daring to go beyond the borders of the familiar and explored to charter new territories is an adventure that is as nerve-wrecking as it is beautiful.

We are talking about a story as ancient as humanity itself.

Our DNA warns us of dangers if we stray from the beaten path.

At the same time, our soul pushes us to become the trailblazers and lighthouses we are all meant to be.

In this blog post (and in the video below) I talk about how to get through periods of intense change. Buckle up for the ride!

My own experience with going through life changes

Stepping into the unknown empty space my soul has been calling me into has been one of the most intense experiences of my life: The person I once was—and by “once” I mean even just a year ago—is almost a stranger to me.

Since 2009, change has been a constant in my life, its most visible expression being about a dozen moves which led me to live in three different continents.

The process carried me from the firm childhood decision to never tie the knot to being happily married. My professional and financial situation changed, and changed, and then changed again. My body, diet and mindset transformed through veganism and a rigorous fitness regime.

By far, 2015/2016 were the most intensely transformative time for me: I got married. I moved to another continent.

Somehow, I found the courage within me to hand in my notice at a prestigious corporate job, a step which, for a long time, brought up intense levels of fear. I got certified in two potentially life-changing healing modalities and put a Dr. in front of my name.

These are just some of the external changes this time brought for me, along with high levels of stress.

And yet, the most important shifts were hidden and interior. Many things which used to be difficult for me before, like expressing my feelings in front of trustworthy people, are not even an issue anymore. And others, such as being in an emotionally unsupportive friendship, do not work for me now.

At times, this drawn-out process has been incredibly intense, but riding the waves of transformation to my new life has been infinitely worth it.

It takes time to change direction completely. Because I persevered, I am now ever closer to a beautiful harvest.

Here are 5 things I have learned about how to deal with a huge life change:

1. Take heart: Whatever life change you are going through, you will almost certainly survive it

If you navigate this process consciously, you will likely even be better off as a result. It may seem as if your personality is changing beyond recognition which can feel threatening.

And yet what I learned in my own life is that after every transformation, I am different and still myself. In fact, I am myself to a larger extent than before because what one leaves behind in transformation is in many cases only one's more inauthentic self.

2. Grieve the loss: W hen you change, a part of you is dying

Grieving for the old is part of the process of going through a life change.

What I have always found helpful is finding a way to honor the transition that is happening. Before one of my smaller moves where I stayed within the same city, I sat down in a café in my old neighborhood and wrote down everything I cherished about my old place.

My last move to another continent required something bigger so my “goodbye ritual” consisted of me symbolically walking across a bridge. One side of the bridge represented the past I was leaving behind, the other side the future I was walking into.

The bridge was in the middle of a lonely nowhere, the night was pitch dark with hardly any moonshine and it was one of the coldest and windiest days of winter. It was a situation that—like the transformation I was going through—required some courage. Braving the elements made me feel proud of myself and more confident about my ability to handle the upcoming change.

3. Understand the role of fear and how to handle it

One of human's most primal needs is the need to feel secure, a need that is acutely threatened by all the changes.

However, being afraid does not mean that you're actually in danger.

It just means that you have a primal brain that is—thankfully—intent on ensuring your survival. Unless your physical survival is in acute danger, you should not let your primal brain run your life.

That is why I find it so important to change your relationship to fear . This includes reality checks, such as asking yourself how likely it is that something bad could happen to you as a result of the change you are going through. Another important question is what you would prefer to happen and how you can work toward making that happen.

4. Use routines to make life changes more comfortable

Since your need to feel secure is compromised by the changes you are undergoing, I think it is important to stick with some things that give you comfort and a sense of stability.

T hese can be different for everyone. For me, some of these things are drinking green tea in the morning or watching my favorite series. If you wanted to change your comfort-given habits, you would ideally wait until the waters of transformation had gotten sufficiently calm before doing so.

In big transformations, I think it is easier when you keep some things the same.

5. Choose the right people to talk to

The people who can likely understand you best are those who have been through this process before or are still in it.

At various times in my process, I have found it helpful to talk to others who are also on a path of transformation and could encourage me along the way.

The power and beauty of a huge life change

Witnessing this process in myself and in others, I am amazed at how much one can change and still experience the developmental pressure to change some more.

It is beautiful to see what becomes possible when people allow this impulse to guide them. Entirely new roads open up for them and they discover things they never knew about themselves.

When you give into the impulse of your intuition and do so wisely, y our act of daring can open you up to unprecedented levels of trust. Instead of free-falling, a parachute suddenly opens, seemingly out of nowhere.

Carried by the winds, you glide through open space where Earth treats us to a breath-taking display of her beauty.

You can trust your transformation.

As Hilde Domin put it: “I set my foot upon the air and it carried me.”

P.S.: Did this resonate?

Just so you know, I often help people who are going through big life changes. So, if you want support on your journey, please feel free to reach out. You can find our more about my coaching services here .

This article was first published in Elephant Journal here .

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